The Assassinated Press

Pardoned Gobbler Goes on Shooting Rampage.
Popcorn the Turkey Kills 16 at Poultry Processing Plant

By CHET OTTO LUK
The Assassinated Press
12.5.13

Popcorn, the turkey pardoned by Barack Obama in a ceremony outside the White House just last week, this morning went on a killing rampage at a Thurmont, MD poultry processing plant.

Armed with double bandoleros of bullets and two semi-automatic rifles, the Turkey crashed his Ram pick up through the front gates of the plant and opened fire killing 16 and wounding 41. It’s not known how many chickens, turkeys, capons and guinea fowl were among the dead.

“It was a bloodbath over at the bloodbath,” plant foreman Aurelio Punta said. “There were body parts everywhere. Wings, legs, thighs, arms.”

"Where's that lying shitbag and dear friend and moral fornicator Lee Atwater to exploit another catastrophe that can be faked and feared back to liberal prison policies which don't exist," said Michmellow Bachdoorwoman. "What's Karl Rove cornholing the memory of his father's suicide again gearing up for the next presidential election?"

The gunfowl moved quickly through the compound to the section housing the company offices. Safety helmeted supervisors ‘ducked’ for cover as Popcorn sprayed bullets into the trailers that housed them.

Storming one trailer Popcorn blew open the door with a charge of C-4 and after throwing in a stun grenade proceeded to make turkeyburger of the six employees inside.

A quick check of Popcorn’s background revealed that he was a former Navy Seal stationed at the US Embassy in Istanbul, Turkey where he was subject to hazing and pranks from his fellow Seals for his odd name as well as well as white feathers and bright red wattle.

“’Popcorn’ was bad enough. But his surname was Giblets. Popcorn B. Giblets. A name like that don’t ‘fly’ in this man’s army,” a close friend and fellow Seal, Avery Buttmunch, told the Assassinated Press.

The NRA immediately issued a statement reiterating its claim that “Guns do not kill people. Nor gun owners. We don’t know what the fuck kills people and frankly don’t give a shit.”

Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, told the gaggle of reporters that gathered outside the NRA’s secreted bunker on Capitol Hill, “We welcome anyone spoiling for a fight to come on down to our offices with their guns loaded and ready for action like the founding fathers intended. We’re all about guns. We want to see what you got.”

“Sure, just like our flightless man-boobed cousins we’re just a bunch of turkeys down here at the NRA. But how many of us are serial killers or go on a shooting rampage or kill our families? What? Maybe 30, 40 percent? Sure homicides go up exponentially in households that have guns but we insist that guns don’t kill people, the kind of assholes that are drawn to guns do. Logic has no coinage here. We believe what Karl Marx said about logic, ‘Logic is the money of the mind.’ So when it comes to thinking we’re flat broke.”

In related news, a 45 pound turkey which George Bush pardoned in 2008 was today convicted of mortgage fraud and insider trading.

Lloyd Pumpkin was convicted on 26,588 counts of securities fraud which should carry a sentence that would in a just world land the turkey on a plate smothered in gravy next to a heaping pile of stuffing containing bits of his own gizzard.

However, Obama immediately pardoned Lloyd Pumpkin saying an expensive trial, an unlikely conviction and pie-in-the-sky execution of the felonious fowl would not be in the public interest.

“We must look forward, not backward,” Obama said. “Besides we have cake.”


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