"I was a racketeer for Capitalism," said Major General Smedley Butler. "I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in [in 1913-14]."
The Assassinated Press
CIA Slipped Aristide The Cell Phone That Allowed Him To Reveal To The World His Kidnapping By U.S. Forces:
Combat Between U.S. Intelligence And The PNAC Controlled White House Further Escalates:
"Give Us Our Cut Or We'll Keep Fuckin' With You," Tenet Warns Cheney. "Over My Dead Body," Cheney Shoots Back:
Roger Noriega Crows "Get Ready For Bay Of Pigs II!"; Uses Bush Re-Election Money To Finance Invasion:
Aristide Lands On His Feet, Gets SPRINT Commercial Where He Reprises His Kidnapping; "If you hear a pin drop, DUCK, its from an American grenade."
Powell Claims Aristide Had WMD, Nuclear Program, Star Wars Research
By JEFFEY LUBE
The Assassinated Press
March, 2 2004
Washington DC---You think there's a war of attrition going on in Iraq? Do you think Afghanistan is a dangerous place? Do you think U.S. policy makers have once again brought mass slaughter to the streets of Port-au-Prince? Well, folks, that ain't nothing compared to the carnage taking place on the streets and in the suites of Washington DC.
In a bizarre yet utterly predictable twist, CIA Director George Tenet gave the order to smuggle a cell phone to kidnapped Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide. Access to the cell phone allowed Aristide to alert the world through several American lawmakers and a human rights activist that he and his entourage had been kidnapped at gunpoint by U.S. marines and a contingent from the U.S. Embassy including Ambassador James Creamhole Foley and flown against their will to the Central African Republic.
"We was set up," growled a livid Colin Powell at yesterday's press conference. "The spooks played along and then fucked us. I suspect they're doing this for their boy Kerry."
Tenet responded angrily to Powell's remarks. "Who fucked who here. First, we have to eat all this shit about failing to predict 9/11. Then the administration made more bowls of shit out of our intelligence and when they caught out in those lies they want the Agency to eat that. Then, after we produce a bumper crop of Afghani raw opium (We are professionals after all.), we're told we're gonna have to be happy with only those additional revenues, $4 billion dollars annually, because the cash coming in from Iraqi oil and natural gas is going to the people behind the PNAC and Cheney and his cronies. We get $4 billion a year in raw opium and those bastards get $72 trillion worth of sweet crude and natural gas still in the ground in Iraq. Fuck that."
"I've told those wackjobs at Langley that comparatively speaking there ain't no overhead in raw opium. Christ, we got expenses over here in Iraq," roared Paul Wolfowitz. "We gotta maintain 10 times as many combat units. That's one expense we'll have to bear for a long time and the margins ain't shit. Then there's all the rigs and Dick's got his hand in that pie so the fraud is monumental as you've already witnessed with just the first couple of contracts with Halliburton."
"This cell phone thing with Aristide doesn't amount to more than a foreign policy high school prank. So we kidnapped the guy and his American wife. Who's gonna prosecute us? You? We're not just above the law, we make the law," schooled Secretary of State Terror Don Rumsfeld while getting a full body massage on his desk from his secretary, Tanya. "And for the record. I didn't bitch slap Bush. Tenet did."
Tenet responded, "Yeah. A high school prank like Columbine. Leave it to that prick, Rumsfeld, to tell the press that the smell emanating from his pants is coming from the Rose Garden."
Things have been heated between the CIA and the PNAC controlled White House ever since they bogeyed 9/11. CIA Director of Operations for the Middle East, Mo Howard, attacked the ascerbic Mr. Rumsfeld at a July NSC meeting, cutting the Secretary in the groin with his shiv.
Recently, dead bodies in three piece suits have begun appearing in the maze of dark alleyways that surround the Executive Office Building. "Their faces are pulped. Their fingertips burned off and they've been shot up with some shit that 'melts' their DNA," said Capitol Police Lieutenant, Yancy Parker. One had his head cut off and stuck on the White House fence.
Both sides deny responsibility for the murders and for national security reasons the families of the victims cannot inquire when their loved one fails to come home to dinner, permanently, even if his wife has prepared his favorite meatloaf.
Gangs of marauding CIA and Executive branch lawyers have had several bloody confrontations on the mall, two in broad daylight with hundreds of tourists lookin' on. "I can't wait to get back to Parma and tell the neighbors how exciting our trip to Washington was. First, we saw Bush bump his head on the helicopter door, then we saw a somethin' like a scene out of the Iliad with all these snarling twits in three piece suits paper cutting each other to death. I never knew you could hack off someone's arm with a single page from a 2000 page brief, but I guess you can," blurted an excited Joe Fondale.
Putting each others personnel in harms way in foreign venues has become a common practice in this struggle over money. "That fucker Tenet's got his people giving us bad intelligence and getting my people killed," complained Dickie 'When I Retire My Ass Is For Hire' Myers.
Tenet shot back, "Fuck Dickie. Though I think he'd like that. He's thinks Richard Perle is going to make him rich like Tommy Franks. We ain't France, Germany or Russia here at the Agency. When we say we want our share we're gonna get our share. In this business its a fine line between getting rich and leaving your wife for some Young Republican bimbo and having your throat cut by some Mossad Agent while you're on tour given motivational lectures."
At Langley, Agency employees are furious. "I don't give a shit about Hastert ragging on our intelligence product. I'll be the first to admit I'm outa here at 2:00 on Fridays. But there's so much oil money to be made in Iraq, you'd think Cheney would share a little. What a greedy fuck."
To highlight the anger at the CIA, a rocket propelled grenade barely missed the Vice President's motorcade as it approached CIA headquarters on Feb. 12. The CIA claims that the lead driver did not appropriately notify guards at the main gate. Cheney claims that he personally called to let tenet know he was on his way over, but an extensive in house search of phone records turned up no such call. Tenet said that Cheney's claims are "Absurd" and "Absolutely baseless."
To counter, Tenet says that 3 of his Middle East Analysts were kidnapped at gunpoint by a gang of White House interns and forced to have sex with Anne Coulter. "My dick came out as cold as a popsicle and snapped off," sobbed on analyst still undergoing physical and emotional therapy at the Walter & Donna Reed Medical Center in Washington DC.
Meanwhile, Jean-Bertrand Aristide is finally appreciating the fruits of capitalism. The priest who once called capitalism a "mortal sin" has signed a six commercial deal with the cell phone service Sprint. Pilots show Aristide calling long distance to Randall Robinson and repeating "This was a coup. I was kidnapped" several times. The President of Haiti then turns to the camera and says, "If you hear a pin drop, its the pin from an American grenade" as two burly marines grab the diminutive Aristide by both arms and smash him to the floor.