"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying." Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, former Press Secretary to Saddam Hussein

The Assassinated Press

"Saeed Utterly Psychic On U.S. Claims About Iraqi WMD," Declares Rummy:
In Effort To Improve Administration Image , Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Former Iraqi Minister of Information, Hired As Cheney/Bush Point Man On WMD:
Iraqi Minister Predicted Moment Of Rapture:
"Mr. Saeed's Reputation For Truth And Accuracy Is In Keeping With The Standards Of This Administration," Said White House Chief Of Stink Karl Rove.":

The Assassinated Press
Feb. 9, 2004

Washington, DC---"Their failure in this regard [WMD] is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought - as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire." It's because of astonishly accurate, even prophetic, apocalyptic statements like this that President de Facto Dick Cheney has decided to put Saddam Hussein's former mouthpiece, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, in charge of the White House Public Relations corps.

"Compared to us, Baghdad Bob, as Saeed is known in public relations circles, is the quintessential straight shooter," said Cheney at a press conference announcing the appointment. "If there was one person we could count on to help us recover the trust of the American people and the world community, its Baghdad Bob" added the de facto President. "Next to us, he looks like Mary, the Mother of Christ."

"We were impressed by Mr. Saeed's analysis of U.S. intentions during our recent oil grab. For example, his knowledge of American commercial advertising as we have applied it to our foreign policy was particularly acute. Saeed said, 'The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies.' When repetition is exactly what we were after," said Cheney.

His comments on American claims of Iraqi WMD stockpiles are also enlightening. For example, he stated, "Bush 'knows that he is standing in quicksand when it comes to his baseless talk on Iraq.'" And now we have 530 American dead, an official inquiry and plummeting poll numbers.

Or more prescience on Iraq and American insistence on WMD: "I have detailed information about the situation . . . which completely proves that what they allege are illusions . . . They lie every day."

Even though Saeed had some harsh things to say about Secretary of State Terror Don Rumsfeld e.g., "That bastard the American Minister of Defense Rumsfeld, and I won't say shamelessly, because they don't know what shame means. These are criminals. The whole world can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the White House is a pathetic criminal and his Defense Minister deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a military site! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the American people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!" Rummy now says, "No hard feelings. If this guy can convey our agitprop about why we lied about WMD with the same character and conviction as he did when we snatched his oil, I say bring him aboard. He sure had us pegged during the invasion."

Mr. Saeed also prophesied the current situation in Iraq when he said,"They [the Americans] are achieving nothing; they are suffering from casualties. Those casualties are increasing, not decreasing." He also prophesied, "We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead."

"Mr. Saeed is our man. We consulted long and hard on this one," said White Chief of Staff Andrew Card. "He understands the kleptocratic mind and his reputation for truth and accuracy is, relatively speaking, far superior to this administrations. We need new blood that is less vulnerable to the fact thing."

Mr. Saeed will earn a reported $200,000 a year and will have a staff of eight. "The White House Public Relations Office will be under his complete and exclusive control," confirmed Mr. Card. "I'm just thrilled to be working for Mr. Saeed," said White House PR guy Scott McLellan. "He lies with the finess of an ejaculating camel. No, Steve Mcqueen poker face for him. He's like Rummy when he lies. All hands and bared teeth. A real wild man."

Mr. Saeed's first pronouncement in defense of the Cheney/Bush administration was swift in coming. Less than an hour after arriving at his White House office, Saeed told the White House Press corps,"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place."

"Fuck. It's like he can read our minds," chimed Card.

'Rumsfeld is a "crook" and "the most despicable creature."' This reporter added. "Did Saeed say that?" asked Card. "No," I answered. "Henry Kissinger did when telling Bush Sr. Rumsfeld would be the perfect guy to broker arms and WMD to Saddam Hussein."

George Bush is said to be thrilled by the appointment. Bush, an evangelical Christian, is particularly interested in Saeed's predictions about the rapture which Saeed has said is set to occur sometime between January 8, 2004 and March 13, 2086. Bush has cancelled all of his official duties in preparation. "Thank a Vengeful God, he didn't have any official duties," chuckled Karl Rove.