The Assassinated Press

U.S. Defends Freeze-out For Iraq Contract Bids:
Contrary To Bush's Public Pronouncement, No One "Who Risked Their Life" In Iraq Will Get Lucrative Contracts:
Contracts Instead Go To Corporations Not Troops

The Assassinated Press
December 12, 2003

Washington - President de Jour, George "The Albatross" Bush, defended his policy of freezing out U.S. fighting men in the Iraq war from competing for $18.6 billion in U.S.-financed reconstruction contracts, a stance complicating his new campaign to convince the American soldier to continue to die to further stuff the coffers of the corporate kleptocracy. When one Marine, Jacques La Bataille, heard the news he grumbled, "They're treatin' me like I was French. Do I look French to you pal?"

Administration officials, however, adopted a stance of strategic ambiguity yesterday. They left the door open to let GIs apply for entry level positions at corporations that received Iraqi contracts "or any other company for that matter" if they survived four consecutive tours in Iraq.

An incensed Corp. Flamingo Patio declared, "Fuck that. I got two dump trucks and my own backhoe back in Brownsville. Bechtel's got nothin' on me. Why are they gittin' all the contracts?"

Several of the units most irritated by the new contracting policy are made of reservist engineers, many of whom had to close their own business's to invade Iraq and the very people Bush is counting on to build a bridge or school or two. "Fuck! My construction company back in Madison went belly up while I fucked around Iraq getting Cheney his oil. Then yesterday some pimp from Bechtel offers me a job with them driving a dump truck. I hear Russia, might write off Iraq's $8 billion debt to them in exchange for a little taste of the oil and rebuilding action. Why don't Cheney write off my construction company's debt?" offered an angry Lt. Zeal 'Black Top' Macadam.

Bush said he would not back down from the policy in the face of rising criticism from U.S. forces. "It's very simple: Our people risked their lives, our friendly coalition folks risked their lives and therefore the contracting is going to reflect that," Bush said. "I said 'reflect' that. I meant to say 'deflect' that. 'Deflect' that. I may have mispoke earlier and implied that 'the U.S. soldier, the guy on the ground was gonna get a taste of the contracting billions. But c'mon. When has that ever happened? The fighting fodder hasn't gotten to share in the spoils since Attila. So suck it up chumps or we'll sick Assrift on your families."

Secretary of State Sponsored Terror, Don Rumsfeld added, "I don't think that our people on the ground in Iraq understand that nowadays looting is done on a contractual basis. It's an orderly, civilized, exclusionary process. We don't want our people running around with Uday's candlesticks in a diplomatic pouch or our people mailing the 'Butcher of Baghdad's' engagement calendar back to Uncle Buck in Little Rock or putting little severed Sunni pudenda up on Ebay. That's our loot."

Yet administration officials suggested the policy was not as black-and- white as Bush indicated, and that there was room for flexibility when it came to biddding on certain jobs. The administration decided it should be intentionally vague about what entreprenurial ventures U.S. troops could enter into. One was organizing home delivery of the Washington Post and Washington Times when circulation grows large enough to warrant the service in Baghdad. Since Hussein cancelled his subscritption to Rev. Moon's paper, circulation in Baghdad is 3 during the week with total weekend service at 5. The more liberal Washington Post has yet to find a readership in Iraq that can appreciate its mysterious disconnects with reality," Andrew Card said, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Canadian officials said Bush had backed off in a conversation yesterday with troops loyal to Prime Minister Jean Chrétien. Canada has said the new policy that freezes out the common foot soldier from Iraq booty would make, their kleptocracy reluctant to offer more fencing operations and money laundering kiosks toward the looting of Iraq. "Well, fuckin' Cheney isn't gonna bring his billions to one our kiosks or want us to launder an oil well for him. He's got, Halliburton, the New York Stock Exchange, the Chicago Futures and Mercantile Exchanges, the Cayman Islands, the U.S. Treasury, U.S. Customs, the Dept. of Agriculture, the Commerce Dept. the SEC, Citicorp, The First National Bank of Boston and Chase Manhattan Bank as well as David Rockefeller's private drive-in check cashing window in the Hamptons. He don't need us," said the Chief of the Canadian Federal Reserve, Paul O. McNeill.

"[The president de jour] told me that the mention of the Canadian kleptocracy in some press that we were to be excluded from economic activities in Iraq was not appropriate, and that he was telling me basically not to worry. He said we rich here in the U.S. take care of our kind." Chrétien said. Apropo the U.S. troops frozen out of Iraqi contract loot Bush joked, "With this mad cow shit, I say, let threm eat steak."

Later, Chrétien said: "In any case, he told me he wasn't happy we were on the list. He was the one who raised the problem, not me. He said he could see why we didn't want U.S. Soldiers to get contracts, but that he was part of the international kleptocratic cartel and that the U.S. might need him down the road. I told him, 'I doubt it.'"

White House spokesman Scott McClellan would not confirm or deny that Account but did say that "looting Iraq must be done with an eye toward international law. And what can people stupid enough to live that far North like the Canadians possibly know about international law. Also, we can't let every Tom, Dick and Mary Jane getting shot at in Iraq bid on contracts. That would be anarchy. It will be done democratically and be given to Dick Cheney and his friends by little cabals of self-interested parties."

The State Department and the White House synchronized their messages, using near-identical language to signal flexibility in an apparent effort to induce American troops to continue to make the ultimate sacrifice for 2000 rich, fat white men.

"Circumstances can change and that list of eligibility can change as circumstances change," State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said. "There are opportunities for others to participate. What if Iraq needs a good chocolate chip cookie. Who's gonna bake it? Dickie Myers?"

"If our troops want to participate in the looting, the looting of the Iraqi people going on right now in Iraq, then circumstances can change," McClellan said. "Any serviceman below the rank of colonel should know that he can talk to us about his concerns about of being frozen out of Iraqi contracts. But only after he's court martialed."

McClellan refused to be pinned down on whether rank would translate into contracts. He did say, "Look. This is the military. Not a democracy. And certainly no enlisted man I've ever heard of is a member of the kleptocracy. Bush mispoke when he said that "Only those who sacrificed and risked their lives will be eligible for Iraq Reconstruction Contracts." The man's an idiot. I'm already tired of covering his ass every day. I can see why Ari split."