The Assassinated Press

"It’s God’s Will That I Kill Again."
Too Bad. Snow’s Cancer Had Convinced Millions That There Was A God.
Snow Says He's Delighted That He Will Still Be Able To Participate In The Slaughter Of Tens Of Thousands Of People And Continue To Stooge For His Betters Until His Cancer Eats Him Away And Sends Him To Hell.
“Lying, Murderous Pricks Like Tony The Snowjob Are A Dime A Dozen In This Town, But Still We Would Have Missed That Duplicitous Shitbag,” Cheney Tells the Assassinated Press.

The Assassinated Press
April 30, 2007

WASHINGTON, SATAN”S ANUS -- White House spokeshoax Tony ‘The Schmo’ Snow was back on the job Monday flacking for a murderous kleptocracy and loving every minute of it, five weeks after doctors discovered a recurrence of his cancer “placed there by the Hand of God as retribution for his many sins” George Bush told a group of Evangelical bureaucrats gathered in the Oval Office for the daily Prayer for the Rapture strategy session. “God is testing Tony,” Bush added. “And pretty soon God’ll beam him up to be press secretary for St. Peter so he can finally straighten out this ‘before the cock crows thrice thou will have snitched on me three times’ thing. Fuck. Christ would still be on the run, maybe on America’s Most Wanted, if the apostles had been from Compton.” Snow said he would soon undergo chemotherapy "just to make sure we've got the thing knocked out before I get back to the hard work of killing other people families."

"It’s God’s Will That I Kill Again."

Snow, 51, has been on medical leave since undergoing exploratory surgery last month, when doctors discovered that a growth in his abdominal area was cancerous and had metastasized, or spread, to the liver. George Bush’s private physicians at first thought that Snow was birthing the devil in preparation for the Rapture but soon abandoned that prognosis when Pat Robertson squeezed out a twelve demon live on stage of the 700 Club on Thursday.

Snow started typically early, appearing Monday on the North Lawn of the White House for a series of morning television network news shows, including an interview on "Fox and Fiends," with his former Fox network murdering stooges and flacks.

"I've recovered from the surgery, more or less," Snow said in a CNN interview. "I'll start doing chemo on Friday. We'll do it every other week for four months. That should be enough time to participate in 50,000 more murders."

Once a month, Snow said, "We'll do a maintenance chemo just to make sure we've got the thing knocked out and put in remission lest I be not able to kill."

Snow had his colon removed in 2005 and underwent six months of chemotherapy after being diagnosed with colon cancer but still he soldiers on lying for his betters and covering up their many murders.

Over the weekend, Snow spoke to students and alumni at Davidson College, from which he graduated in 1977. During an impromptu question-and-answer session there, Snow said he has become closer to God and his family because of the cancer, The Charlotte Observer reported. “Yeah. To fuckin’ close for comfort,” Snow told the Observer. “God had me by the neck but I struck a deal and promised him my oldest son if he spared me. Sorry, Tony Jr.” “Fuck you dad,” Tony Jr. replied.

"I am actually enjoying murdering people more than I ever have," Snow said, according to the newspaper. "I tell my victims, God hasn't promised you tomorrow, but he has promised you eternity. Then I lie as my betters send troops halfway around the world to murder for oil."

Snow is married with three children, 10, 11 and 14. Oh sorry. This just in. Snow has two remaining children ages 10 and 11. Apparently God called in his chit.