The Assassinated Press

Talking Presidential Requires a F**KED Tongue.
The Kennebunkport Wing of the Republican Party Calls Palin and her Family ‘Trailer Trash.’

The Assassinated Press

Two of the main problems that the major party public relations battalions have are teaching the candidates to walk the presidential walk and talk the presidential talk.

With George Bush they devised the ‘Ninnny’s Swagger’ which requires arched shoulders and a shit eating grin which says, “Wha’? Did I forget to tuck my Kennebunkport into my pants again?”

With Barack Obama it’s more an uppity amble that cries out Jim Crow and Brown vs. Board of Education to the white folk and ‘we have finally arrived’ to everyone else. The disappointment for the Obama camp doesn’t come until they win and discover the truth of the old axiom "be careful what you wish for."

John McCain’s walk befits a man of his advanced years. It bespeaks “I dropped a load in my Depends," a grin like an anxious cadaver with a thought bubble reading "I hope I can get through my speech.” That’s why his handlers always have him talking before a green screen instead of in front of supporters who might pick up a whiff of the last lobbyist’s lunch McCain swallowed whole.

But of the two essential qualities for being president it’s not the walk which is the more difficult to master. It’s the talk.

The talk itself benefits from a swagger but more importantly it involves knowing two languages and being able to jump from one to another at the flick of a microphone or the entrance of a girl scout. One language is the jargon of political hypocrisy. The other is the language of real politique.


A Lexus/Nexus of the most often used words and phrases by candidates in public speeches reveals ‘God’ as number one followed predictably by ‘country’, then freedom, liberty, hope, change, markets, family, free markets, troops, integrity, brave men and women, honesty, love of country, taxes, torture, donation, indictment etc.

But a similar Nexus/Lexus of transcripts of private off-the-record conversations of presidents with their aids and staffs and confidants from the Truman administration to the present Cheney/ Bush administration reveals an entirely different vocabulary for governing.

In private conversation the most often used word is ‘fuck’ followed by the more family oriented ‘motherfucker.’ Blasphemy also abounds with ‘God damn’, ‘God damn it’ ‘Jesus Christ!’, ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph!’ etc. Often in presidential speech profanity and blasphemy team up as in ‘Jesus Fucking Christ’ or ‘That God damn shit-eating cocksucker” and the currently popular, “that cockeating Judas motherfucker.”

A raw list of some of the most often used words in private presidential speech are: Fuck, motherfucker, cocksucker, (this top three appeared with more frequency than the indefinite article) shit, shithead, shitbag. shitface, shit eating, shit monger, cock eating, cock sucker, ass hole, ass munch, ass lick, dick, dick head, God damn motherfuckin’ cockin’ eating bastard, nut sack, pecker head, fuck face, ass wipe etc. Lyndon Johnson once referred to a society hostess's spiked egg nog as 'nipple Ripple.

During the Johnson and Nixon administrations racial and ethnic slurs were particularly popular. Leading the list of both presidents was the ubiquitous ‘nigger’ followed by ‘kike.’ Other very popular slurs among presidential entourages included guinea, dago, brillo head or brillo headed, gook, chink, wet back, beaner, Pollack, mick, spic, macaca, sand nigger, frog, greaseball, jigaboo, spear chucker, fag, fairy, trailer trash, (used by Nixon to describe his most reliable voting bloc) etc.

Occasionally, presidents and their staff confuse the two venues and their appropriate languages as when Bush used shit in an offhand remark to Tony Blair. In reality, Bush uses the word shit a fucking hellofalot than he uses the word freedom just as he’s certainly shat a lot more than he’s ever done anything to promote freedom.

It has been reported that in real life Dick Cheney says fuck about every other word as in his conversation with Patrick Leahy where he told the Senator to “Go fuck himself.” The full transcript reads “Go fuck yourself you cocksucking, motherfucking bastard.”

Goerge Allen of Virginia demonstrated that he too was presidential material when he called his opponents staffer a ‘macaca.’ Given the forum, a gathering of Mr. Allen’s supporters and certainly bigots all, its difficult to determine whether this was a error in judgment or a shrewd political move.

Well, there you have it. American hypocrisy and double standards at work. As Dick Cheney has told us ad nauseam, it’s a tough world out there and it going to take tough men, men who speak the language of real politique when necessary and certainly not candidates that take to heart any aspect of the flowery, American hypocrisy in their public pronouncements.