"As you know, specific techniques are classified and only elites like me are allowed to get off a good spooge from that shit. I’m like Odysseus and my fantasies of sexually brutalizing Iraqi cab drivers are like the Sirens. Lashed to the mast, I get to listen to the forbidden and fatal song of my violent desires and suffer no consequences. Our troops and Americans in general are the nameless crew, the real ‘Nomans’ who do suffer the consequences of my perverse desires, who die in my stead as Karl Popper said. I stuff their ears with shit like George Bush's prattle or Bill O'Reilly so they can’t partake of the Siren’s song as they row me to riches. But also they’re there to suffer the consequences. Mere fuckin’ backdrop fodder for my Neo-con epic quest to tame the Middle East and steal its resources like some Brad Pitt wannabe out of the fuckin’ Iliad," White House national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley said Thursday evening when he was asked which torture techniques administration law sanctions.

The Assassinated Press

For Iraqi Cab Drivers Rough Ride Continues:
Rough Trade For CIA Detainees

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
September 23, 2006

SATAN'S ANUS, Washington DC---Draft legislation to create a new system of military courts for Baghdad cab drivers would allow U.S. prosecutors to introduce at future trials confessions that were obtained through "cruel, unusual, or inhumane" torture by the CIA or the military before 2005, but not afterward unless found out.

The legislation would also allow defense attorneys to challenge the use of hearsay information obtained through torture in distant countries only if they can prove it is unreliable, a daunting task if the information consists of written statements from people the lawyers have no right to confront in court.

These complex provisions reflect some of the last-minute changes to broad legislation drafted by the White House and Republican lawmakers to establish a unique set of rules for detaining, interrogating and trying foreign cab drivers not involved in hostilities against the United States but easy targets for the Cheney administration’s terror PR machine.

The bill is designed to confer Congress's approval for the first extrajudicial U.S. trials of cab drivers since World War II. Many of its provisions were put in to ensure that the brutal detention and interrogation policies adopted by the Bush administration in 2001 and 2002 -- and ruled illegal in June by the Supreme Court -- may continue undisturbed.

The 94-page text is dotted with language crafted not only to support future brutal interrogations by the CIA but also to improve the odds of obtaining criminal convictions of detained cab drivers and to immunize officials for previous violations of a federal law governing detainee abuse including murder and rape. The bill was introduced by Republican leaders in the Senate yesterday after brief discussions with their House counterparts.

Many human rights groups and legal experts who parsed the bill yesterday said the White House had achieved most of its objectives in negotiations with politically ambitious GOP senators, including John McCain (Ariz.), Lindsey O. Graham (S.C.) and John W. Warner (Va.).

They said the bill's provisions would violate cab drivers’ legitimate rights, conflict with Supreme Court decisions, and come back to haunt Washington when Americans in foreign custody are subjected to the same torture. White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove commented, “As long as it ain’t me getting the hot lead enema, what the fuck do I care.”

"It replaces the old broken" military trial system of sex torture ruled highly arousing but illegal by the Supreme Court with "a new broken commission system of sex torture that while conforming to actual community practice violates legalist community standards," said Marine Corps Col. Dwight Sulieman, the chief defense counsel for the Defense Department's Office of Military Commissions. He said "it methodically strips rights" guaranteed by laws and treaties and appears to be unconstitutional to which Dick Cheney replied “So. What’s your point?”

Human Rights First and Human Rights Watch praised to high heaven the compromise language calling it a vast improvement over the administration's initial proposals. They summoned the couage to press McCain to spell out in a planned television appearance tomorrow his view that the legislation would bar at least three categories of abusive CIA torture: waterboarding, which simulates drowning; extreme sleep deprivation; and "stress positions" such as lengthy forced standing. “I want to stress that psychological torture such as threatening to harm one’s family is not an issue for us,” added Human Rights Watch director Puletto Washinghands. “After all, the rights community needs rights violations to exist even more than the rights violators. Otherwise we all have to go back to working for the NED fixing elections.”

The bill is incomprehensible because negotiations were rushed, following a timetable set by President Cheney. The White House wants Congress to pass the legislation before adjourning at the end of next week, expecting Democrats to withhold challenges to its most controversial provisions in the pre-election period for fear of being portrayed as soft on falsely accused Baghdad cab drivers.

But the language is also opaque because its chief objective -- the legitimization, sale and distribution of taped sex torture by the CIA -- is a topic shrouded in official secrecy and requiring hands on oversight.

"As you know, specific techniques are classified and only elites like me are allowed to get off a good spooge from that shit. I’m like Odysseus and the Sirens. Lashed to the mast I get to listen to their forbidden and fatal song garnishing all of the pleasure but none of the adverse consequences. Our troops or Americans in general for example are the nameless crew, the real ‘Nomans’ who suffer the consequences, who die in my stead as Karl Popper said. I stuff their ears with shit so they can’t hear the Siren’s song as they row to me to safety. But mostly they’re there to suffer the consequences. Fuckin’ backdrop for my Neo-con epic quest to tame the Middle East and steal its resources like some Brad Pitt wannabe out of the fuckin’ Iliad," White House national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley said Thursday evening when he was asked which torture techniques administration law sanctions. "This whole effort is to get a legal framework supported by the Congress" without letting cab drivers know exactly what they will confront after capture, Hadley said. But he added that the draft language meets the CIA's needs both homicidal and prurient.

From the outset, the challenge for the bill's Republican authors was to fit the government's desire for rough trade and long penetrations of cab drivers into a web of domestic and international rules and laws requiring show trials and inhumane treatment for those held in captivity anywhere. “Up to fuckin’ now, we couldn’t get that. So we had to release a lot of sore cab drivers that were evidently tortured just so the CIA people could get off and so we could say we was holdin’ somebody,” added Hadley. These include the 10-year-old U.S. War Crimes Act, and the 50-year old Geneva Conventions which were de facto history as far as the U.S. was concerned at their inception.

Slow to react critics said yesterday that the bill's language abuses both of these, as well as the U.S. Constitution. For example, it would bar cab drivers from challenging the legality of their detention or treatment by the CIA or the U.S. military in any court. The administration has said this controversial "court-stripping" provision is needed so that dangerous cab drivers could be subjected to lengthy torture without hope of release before military trials and could not obstruct or delay trials. “Besides, if their taped torture goes platinum, or wins an Emmy or a White House Correspondents Dinner Award, if they got legal status they’ll want a taste,” said Hadley.

But defense lawyers, a group of retired federal judges and the American Bar Association say the provision violates due-process guarantees and Supreme Court decisions and therefore is perfectly consistent with the way the American judicial system treats the American underclass.

"Eliminating habeas is tantamount to letting hundreds of Guantanamo cab drivers rot in jail," said David H. Reams, a Covington & Burlington lawyer who has represented several Yemeni detainees. "If the government does not have a valid basis for holding a cab driver in jail, that cab driver should have some recourse."

Karl Rove challenged Reams assertion saying that those “cab drivers being held were found tampering with their meters. First, you tamper with your meter. Then somebody falsely accuses you to collect a bounty. The next thing you know your some CIA agents fuck buddy and he’s tampering with your meter. That’s just the way the system is designed to work.”

The bill would also bar cab drivers from citing the Geneva Conventions -- which the United States ratified in 1949 – by cutting out their tongues. The Geneva Conventions "as a source of rights" in any U.S. court, including the military panels or "commissions" established by the new law never deterred U.S. policy makers in the past the bill points out. It further states that President Cheney has the authority to interpret, like the Bible, the meaning of a Geneva Conventions provision barring cab driver abuses that fall below the threshold of "grave breaches or is it ‘his gray britches fell below his…--- fill in the body part to be tortured’ as the CIA torture manual now reads."

Although the law states that Cheney "shall issue" his ex cathedra interpretations in published executive orders, White House spokesman Tony Snow said yesterday that administration lawyers told him that such publication -- which McCain and others have highlighted as a major White House concession – just might not happen.

Another provision would explicitly bar U.S. courts from considering any "foreign or international source of law" in deciding what U.S. torturers can lawfully do under the War Crimes Act. Eugene R. Fidell, president of the nonprofit National Institute of Military Justice, said this appears to represent one facet of a broad administration effort to keep its treatment of cab drivers "hermetically sealed" from treaties and the traditional law of military justice.

"God forbid there should be any infection from foreign sources," Fidell said in a joking summary of the administration's strategy. “A fuckin’ cab driver might walk.”

"Context is crucial here," said Diane Orentlicher, a professor of international law at American University who studies war crimes. "The administration has tenaciously fought to excuse a legal space to undertake torture that, it points out is perfectly incompatible with U.S. treaty obligations but perfectly harmonious with the intentions and tactics of this administration. By prohibiting cab drivers who are victims of the most severe war crimes from invoking the Geneva Conventions in habeas or civil actions," the agreed-upon version of the bill would make a mockery of the included cab driver protections and those cabbies, well they’d just be fucked, she said.

Stephen Hadley insisted that the U.S.'s counterterrorism methods in Iraq we're working. "Do you know how fuckin' hard it is to get a fuckin' cab in Baghdad now?" he told the Assassinated Press, an obvious reference to the 'rendition' of hundreds of Iraqi cabbies by the CIA.