The Assassinated Press

An AIDS Concert With A Twist:
Half The Receipts To Go To Hunt Down Scientists Who Created The AIDS Virus And The Intelligence Agencies And Governments Who Spread It:
U.S. Vehemently Opposed To The Plan

The Assassinated Press
November 30, 2003

Cape Town, South Africa---Bono, Beyonce, Bob Geldof, Toby Keith and other international stars answered Nelson Mandela's call to help fight the scourge of AIDS by putting on a musical extravaganza yesterday. The concert was the first of 82 concerts planned world wide though none are scheduled for the U.S.

Mandela, 85, joined 100,000 fans who packed into a stadium in South Africa's tourist mecca of Cape Town under a cloudless sky for the fund-raising concert, which was broadcast live over the internet.

The 82 combined concerts hope to raise $100 million half of which, some $50 million, is slated to go toward hiring an international investigative team made up of the world wide law enforcement and epidemiology communities to track down the scientists who engineered the AIDS virus as well as the government and/or corporate perpetrators that introduced the infection into select groups of the world's population. Help from U.S. law enforcement and bioweapons experts has already been ruled out by the Mandela initiative.

FBI Director Robert "The Mauler" Mueller, NSA Director Lt. Gen. Michael V. "Viper" Hayden, NRO Director Peter B. "Mr. Big" Teets, former head of bioweapons research at Fort Detrick, MD, William "The Bill Collector" Patrick and CIA Director George "Tough Nuts" Tenet denounced the series of concerts in an extraordinary press conference held in Washington DC.

"They don't want our help," thundered a furious Tenet, "Then fuck 'em. We know what they're up to. Bono stinks anyway. And that cracker, Toby Keith, bites camel prunes."

A spokesman for the concert series, Diogenes Sinope, responded, "I think I know why the Americans are angry that we do not want them to help with our investigation of the scientific, political and cultural origins of AIDS. We're hoping $50 million can buy some truth. But as we've discovered in the past and also from observing Congressional committees, once the Americans are involved, they burn through the cash but produce---what's their phrase?---"no conclusive evidence" which historically comes to mean that "we, the U.S. did it for our corporate masters, and we're trying to stall long enough for us to die of natural causes in our mansions."

Bioweapons designer, 'Bill' Patrick retaliated with, "What do they think they can do with us even if they catch us? I can put a pop star down just as easily as I can lab rat. Easier."

Spokesman for the Atlanta Center for Disease Control, Lila Devereaux said, "We are greatly disappointed that the Mandela initiative does not desire our assistance. I was hoping to get Bono's autograph. Further, we also feel that an investigation into the criminal nature of the AIDS epidemic is a great waste of financial resources. We hope Mr. Mandela and his staff will reassess their approach."

Sinope also said, "When you ask what is the cause of AIDS, you are asking two questions at once. First, what is the actual viral agent so that it can be analyzed and combated. The second question is who had the means both financially and technologically to engineer this virus. And further who would have the motive, racist, cultural and economic to introduce and help spread this virus. It is, also, our firm belief which is shared by some in the scientific and law enforcement community that the perpetrators of this multi-phased genocide also possess an antidote. And to answer my vociferous friend in the U.S., it has long been established that the U.S. was engaged in producing race specific viruses and botulisms at several private sector and government facilities including Mr. Patrick's Fort Detrick."

CIA Director George Tenet, whose agency produced lies about Iraq's WMD capabilities, grabbed the podium and screamed, "We'll get you Mandela. What moral authority do you have anyway compared to someone like me."

President of South Africa Thabo Mbeki weighed in from his office in Pretoria, "If you can't trust the doctor. You can't trust the cure."

The concert will be screened by MTV World AIDS Day, Dec. 1.