The Assassinated Press

Advanced Microsoft Program Shows That 'Democracy' Is the Most Abused Word In The U.S.'s Political Lexicon:
"'Democracy' is The Political Prisoner of Words," Declares World's Most Advanced Fifth Generation Computer:
Cheney Administration Tortures Other Key Terms Like 'Freedom' And 'Self-Determination' Cognitive Computer Claims.

The Assassinated Press

SILICON VALLEY, CA---In a warehouse where the temperature is maintained precisely at 62.13578 degrees Fahrenheit by John McCarthy atomic thermostats, a series of advanced algorithms are fed through a sea of parallel processing computers in the continuing search for a mathematically positivist substitute for the conceptually sloppy language we employ in everyday life and in specialized human activity like writing poetry and songs, constructing historical narratives, psychological and philosophical interpretation and, of course, economic prediction.

But the multi-billion dollar project, partially funded by the Department of Defense, has hit a major snag.

"Its not that we haven't had problems before. After all, Microsoft inherited this project from IBM who in turn took it over from the Eckert-Mauchly Computer Corporation," said Dr. Toner Byte. "Of course, before you had people like Alan Turing and John von Neumann you had the Logical Positivist School of philosophical thought which sought to sanitize language by purging it of all metaphysical content. I always thought there was something perverse, asexual in that. But never mind. Its as if we were just waiting for energy sources and such to catch up with the calculations of Leibniz, Peano and Babbage. Of course, the Logical positivists fell flat on their asses AND never got laid. But by then it was too late. The unimaginative and the crabbed had inherited the earth and the computer age was born. The huge potential revenues didn't hurt the travesty we now are stuck with from unfolding either."

"The problem now is that computers are confused about many of the conceptual assumptions that underlay current algorithms. To the computers they appear to be self-contradictory. In essence they appear to be untrue. Lies actually. Bald-faced lies emanating from the very strata of society that writes our paychecks."

My Computer Has Three Beliefs...

"Our biggest problem has been with concepts like 'democracy.' Given a relatively simple algorithmic recognition game, the computer will recognize the 'term' democracy as a valid concept if and only if we eliminate all contextual elements. That is remove all history. Remove time itself, actually. The problem with that is, it sets up a tautology. All the computer is doing is confirming the definition qua definition. In other words it is saying yes, somewhere inside the processing is a term 'democracy' described as such and such. So if we take some democracy speech by Don Rumsfeld and enhance the algorithm with a little Rumsfeld narrative, a little Rumsfeld history, we blow circuits. We fry hardware. It's the computer's way of saying get this lying motherfucker Rumsfeld out of my face. Kinda the way an Iraqi would."

"So if you plug in Tony Blair's speeches or Dick Cheney's you maintain the tautology, the non-feedback loop, indeed the computer confirms that they talk about democracy and did so x amount of times. It has no problems if the context. But if the algorithm wanders outside of the speech's own assumptions, say incorporating Cheney's relation to natural resources like oil or corporations that lust after oil like Halliburton/KBR, the program locks up. And the problem arises when you introduce any facts. Even a simple chronology, the "what-did-he-know-and-when-did-he-know-it" scenario can generate some very unacceptable results like Dick Cheney is a huge, fucking, homicidal liar who wouldn't know democracy if it chewed off his face."

"Naturally, this puts a huge portion of the 5th generation computer project in jeopardy. What kleptocracy is going to be willing to bankroll a project that points up that they are just a bunch of greedy, lying, duplicitous, murderous motherfuckers. They're not keep those checks coming. They're gonna say get your funding from Evo Morales, Hugo Chavez or Hamas."

Is Dishonest Cognition Programmable

"Our challenge is to simulate the criminal context of your average kleptocrat. Right now if we dissect algorithmically Karl Rove's use of the term democracy, the computer finds it indistinguishable from the terms 'Aryan nation', murder and slavery. However, mathematically supported and therefore true these conclusions might be, they are too broad to be of any use to the kleptocracy we serve.

Could the Answer Be Money?

"We have found that you can distinguish say the criminal behavior our programs associate with a modern U.S. elite and that of a Nazi German elite if references to money are contextualized. But the difference does not distinguish levels or the quality of greed or the attendant murder, but points up slight historical changes that have occurred over the last 60 or so years."

"The biggest variant between the current U.S. kleptocracy and its predecessor in Nazi Germany is in the arena of technology. Technology has been the kleptocrat's most reliable tool along with its legions of scientists and engineers who are only too eager to abet in the murder either by direct involvement or obliquely through the scientific method itself."

"Personally, as a scientist I'm not ready to give up on the Money angle. I think there's something there. The smoking vacuum tube. I can't put my finger on it, but whenever we feed data concerning the relative wealth of populations into the parallel processors, some of them start pacing the room in apparent frustration. One senses that if they had fists, they would pound them. But whatever there conclusion is we cannot interpret it from the data if it conflicts with our paychecks and that only seems to increase their frustration."