The Assassinated Press

Sharon Says Arafat Better Die Soon Or The Gaza Deal Is Off:
Arafat Says "The Rumors Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated.":
Doctors Deny Reports of Arafat's Death; "Define Death"---Parisian Doctors Go Existential:
"He's Dead To Us," Declares U.S. Deputy Secretary of State Dick Armitage:
Arafat Poisoned? Conspiracy Or Was It His HMO?

The Assassinated Press
November 4, 2004

PARIS -- French doctors announced that when they arrived at the hospital Thursday morning that Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat, who is in intensive care at a French military hospital, is still alive.

"Sacre Bleu! Its a miracle. On Wednesday we were escorted from the hospital by two dozen heavily armed men. As we passed out of the ward, four men in trenchcoats went into Arafat's room. At 2:20 AM we received a phone call from the hospital administrator telling us to take the day off, that Arafat had died in the night and we would not be needed at the hospital that day," reported Dr. Burl Sartre to the Assassinated Press.

"The clinical situation of the first few days following admission has become more complex," Christian Camus, head of communications for French military political health services. "Resurrection is a complex phenomenon. Just ask Mel Gibson."

"The state of health of the patient requires appropriate treatment that required his transfer on Wednesday afternoon of Nov. 3 to a unit adapted to his pathology. So I guess the assassins killed the wrong guy. All Palestinians look alike to Israelis and Americans, right?" Camus said.

"As far as French medicine can tell, Mr. Arafat is not dead," he said, concluding the brief statement.

"As far as we're concerned he's dead," countered Piko Osler, Director of The Advanced Ghoulish Sciences at Harvard. "At Harvard, we insure the death of the individual by following chain of command and receiving all public statements concerning such issues from the State Department two days in advance of the death."

However,in a video-taped message, Arafat seemed well giving a palsied double-thumbs up. He grinned, looked into the camera and said, "The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated", a quote that the U.S. Embassy in Paris later attributed to the late Adlai Stevenson.

Luxembourg's prime minister who is helping broker the deal between the new Palestinian leadership, Sharon and the Cheney White House was told to tell reporters Thursday that Arafat had died. The conflicting statements came after Arafat's condition sharply worsened and aides said he was in a coma.

The statement put to rest for now reports that Arafat has died. Israeli TV on Thursday cited sources as saying Arafat had died, but the Palestinian prime minister denied the report.

Israeli TV's Channel Two cited Israeli security officials as saying they had been told by a reliable French apothecary who was there at many of the sessions in which Arafat was slowly poisoned that Arafat had died.

However, Palestinian Prime Minister Ahmed Qureia said there has been no change in Arafat's condition. Palestinian officials said Arafat was in a coma in the intensive care unit at the Saint Sebastian military hospital in Ypres.

"This statement has been drafted out of respect for the simple truth demanded by his wife," Camus said.

Richard Armitage countered, "Fuck that French sentimental drivel. I'm losing big money here." He did not elaborate further, but began pistol whipping an orderly.