The Assassinated Press

Texas School Board Adds Bible Class:
Jesus Course To Replace Calf Ropin':
Spanish Dropped For Speakin' In Tongues:
Sex Ed Courses Will Remain Part of 4H:
Chewin' Tobacco Declared A Vegetable:

By Jeffey Lube
Assassinated Press
April 27, 2005

ODDESSA FILE, Texas -- The school board in this West Texas cow town voted unanimously to add a Bible class complete with graduation crucifixion of the student voted most likely to succeed to its high school curriculum.

Hundreds of people, all of them supporters of the proposal, packed the board meeting Tuesday night. More than 6,000 Odessa residents had signed a petition supporting the class which would eliminate calf ropin', truck rollin' and math. "What's it the fuck matter. We ain't learned shit out here anyway. And what happens in Odessa, stays in Odessa. Even the people. So nobody's gonna need ta try to reason with us or nothin'," declared Mayor E.B. Farnum in support of the Christer Class.

Some residents, however, said the school board acted too quickly. "The folks was like a cowpoke on a young heifer--- Slam Bam, Thank Ya Jesus," added the local preacher, Silas Wireless. Others said they hoped for a Waco type national constitutional fight and began circling their mobile homes and kidnapping children from divorced spouses..

Barring any hurdles, the class should be added to the curriculum in fall 2006 and taught as a history or literature course. Prospective titles are 'History of the Jews To The Year 1' taught in the fall. And History of Christianity's Attempts To Exterminate the Jews: Year 1 To the Present which would be taught in the spring. Others who think the Bible should be taught as literature have suggested William Burroughs and the Bible and The Bible in Manga Form. Others suggestions have included the Bible As Film and an economics course entitled Making A Million Off That Beggar Jesus: Preaching The Word In The Age Of The Electronic Barnum. The school board still must find somebody who can read so he or she can develop a curriculum, which board member Floy Hinson need not be open for public review "cause ain't none of us can read it no how.".

The board had heard a presentation in March from Mike Johnson, a representative of the Greensboro, N.C.-based National KKK on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools, who said that course work designed by that organization is "all proselytizing' and preachin'. Its firebrand, cross-burning, lynchin', holy rollin', snake handlin' Jesus thumpin, gummint hatin', shit! $399.95 puts you at the edge of the world and in the hands of Armegeddon! Its like havin' the Dark Ages right in your very own livin' room or schoolhouse compatible with every 20th century implement of destruction except nukes. Let us prepare your children to kill for Christ."

People for the American Way and the American Civil Liberties Union have criticized the council, saying its materials promote religion. "But you ain't gonna let those niggerlovin' New York Jews tell you what to," Johnson said leaning on his '36 Roadster a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hands to draw out the sentimentality of the poets.

Johnson said students in the class would learn such things as the geography of the Middle East for when they hump it over there to Iraq and the influence of the Bible on history and culture called 'The Bloodbaths Babble Made.'

"How can students understand the homosexuality in Leonardo da Vinci's 'Last Supper' or class warfare in Handel's 'Messiah' if they don't understand Jesus, the reference from which they came?" Johnson said. The group's Web site says its curriculum has received backing from the NRA, the Knights of Malta and the John Birch Society.

In Frankenstein, Mich., a similar proposal led to a yearlong controversy before the school board voted in January not to offer such a course because occasionally because of lack of local employment, one of its own ventured out into the real world..