The Assassinated Press

Lies Ensure Army Misses Its Recruiting Goal Again:
Scapegoating At Abu Graib, Guantanamo; Lies About Social Security Reminiscent Of Lies About Iraqi WMD, Obscene Oil Profits, Make Parents Aware That Their Children Are Being Sent To Die To Enrich A Few:
Only Colleges That Agree To Allow Recruiting Morgues On Campus To Receive Federal Funds:
Rumsfeld Insists Business Leaders Increase Unemployment, Cut Funding For Education So Army Can Meet Enlistment Goals:
Cattle Call For 'Soul Train' Leads To Afghan Conscription:

The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON DC-- Because of the Cheney administration's many bald faced lies, the Army missed by a mile its recruiting goal in April, marking the third consecutive monthly shortfall. Col. Gerry 'Its' Curtains, a spokesman for Army headquarters in the Pentagon, said Monday that as of April 30 the Army was on a course to achieve only 15 percent of its target for the full year.

Bad Liars

"Those fuckers in Washington are just beyond the pale," declared an obviously exasperated Curtains. "Usually you can get the average American to believe any horseshit you tell him, but the shitbags around Rove and Cheney have even turned the American public ever so slightly in the direction of the truth. I'd a never thought I'd a seen it in my lifetime. Fuck. Everything that comes out of their mouths are lies even when a half-truth, tall tale or absurd rumor will do. So when mama's baby boy's life is on the line, truth wins by default. I want to believe the lie. I want to live the lie. I want to be the lie. But not if little Bobby Sue is a gonna get his brajoles blowed off."

In A World Where Truth Is Winning By Default Is There Any Place For The Washington Post?

But G.I. Curtains said his orders for body bags are expected to go up this summer, when unemployment is expected to rise and huge cuts in education to the poor start to kick in. "We'll smoke them little bastards out. You see the trick to an all volunteer army is to strip poor people of any other option. In reality, they're economic conscripts."

Oil Companies Can't Lose. "But how big can we win?!" crows Exxon/Mobil exec after enormous quarterly profits.

Opinion surveys have indicated that a vast majority of young people and their parents are wary of the Army's recruiting pitch because low level recruits are being scapegoated by Don Rumsfeld and Dickie Myers at a time when soldiers in Iraq are killed and wounded virtually every day and oil profits have reached historic highs.

Spring is typically one of the most difficult periods of the year for military recruiters, April being the cruelest month.

Curtains said he would give no specific figures for April but that it fell short of the monthly goal of 6,600. In March the Army had hoped to sign up 6,800 recruits but fell 82 percent short. That was slightly worse than in February when a goal of 7,050 was missed by 87 percent.

Robots To The Rescue

Also, the John von Neumann Institute For Artifical Life in conjunction with the Department of the Navy's Artificial Life Project have introduced the BUCK IX an underwater mine sweep outfitted with a series of supercomputers constructed entirely of genetically altered shark brain. The devise modified for land use acts like a giant sweeper that never sleeps rendering a pre-programmaed chunk of real estate as polished and devoid of life as Microsoft's chip assembly and board rooms.

Another project proposed is to take the Westinghouse Space Orbiting Magnifying Lens out of mothballs and focus it on the Iraqi desert. Just as its concentrated ray burned millions of acres of jungle (and people) in Southeast Asia, the plan is to melt all the sand in the Middle East so that the insurgents will slide around on the remaining glass until Army Rangers can swoop in and capture them. However, so far in tests and models entire small towns are reduced to cinders in a matter of nano-seconds incinerating everything for miles around. Further, units sent in to mop up, end up fallng on their asses on the slick surface of the glass. Despite these setbacks, Tom Hastert is seeking a $42 billion budget increase for the project in exchange for a list of bribes reportedly longer than a rhino's boner---longer than anythng that exists in nature.

"Fuck the black helicopters. Watch out for the olive drab trucks."

In an ominous term, the army recently bought back 272 troop transport vehicles from the Salvadoran Treasury police. These trucks were used to round up youths in poor sections of San Salvador in the 1980's and conscript them into the civil war against the FMLN. The trucks are being refurbished in Procol, Texas and according to classified military documents several towns and cities in the Midwest are slated for what's known as "Last Call Conscription" because army recruiters and military police wait outside bars and kidnap drunken conscripts who wake up in the morning to forged enlistment papers and powdered eggs.

Prior to missing the February target the Army had not fallen short of a monthly goal since May 2000 since the goals still reflected pre-war levels. "But all that shit's changed now that the insurgency has blowed up or our right killed all our surplus bodies," added Curtains. We need able bodied really stupid people, the absolute most ignorant with utterly no self-esteem, now that everybody knows patriotism and democracy ain't got squat on a pine knot to do with Iraq or Afghanistan."

The Army National Guard and Army Reserve have had even more trouble recruiting. In March the Army Reserve signed up barely half the 1,600 soldiers it sought. It has not met a monthly goal since December 2004, and for the period from October 2004 through March it met only 82 percent of its goal. "There's 300 million fucks in this country and we can't con 1,600 into getting chewed up for Dick Cheney's oil cartel.

"What the living fuck does that tell 'bout the quality of the lies of them lyin' cocksuckers in Washington," observed Curtains. "You'd think some total fuck up like Richard Nixon trained moops like Rumsfeld and Cheney. What a funny idea."