The Assassinated Press

Al-Qaeda Says It Will Cease Attacks If U.S. Turns Over 14 U.S. Officials For Public Execution And Withdraws Troops From Iraq And Afghanistan:
Referendums Begun In All 50 States and the District of Columbia Heavily Support Al-Qaeda Plan:
Americans Enthusiastic, Anxious To Turn Over Even More Of Their Traitorous Kleptocracy.:

The Assassinated Press
July 29, 2005

THE HAGUE----At a press conference yesterday Al-Qaeda announced that they would cease their terrorists attacks if America agreed to turn over 14 U.S. officials for public execution in retribution for the murder and rapine visited on the Muslim world by the U.S. military controlled by American based corporate interests.

The list of 14 reads like a who's who of those who sent troops to invade Iraq so that they could secure the oil and natural gas for wealthy individuals in the U.S. and elsewhere as well as enrich themselves through the rebuilding process after destroying the country using heavy weapons. The officials named to be turned over for execution are:

1)Secretary of State Terror Don Rumsfeld

2)Asst. Secretary of State Terror Paul Wolfowitz

3)President Dick Cheney

4)Asst. to the President I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby

5)Jeb Bush

6)Richard Perle

7)Deputy Assistant to the President and Deputy National Security Advisor for Global Democracy Strategy Elliott Abrams

8)National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley

9)Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice

10)Asst. Secretary of State Dick Armitage

11)George "Nukuler Power Pants" Bush

12)Karl Rove (as a world-wide humanitarian gesture)

13)Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Kalilzad

14)Under Secretary for State Terror Policy Doug Feith

All fifty States and the District of Columbia quickly took up the request in the form of statewide referendums. Early returns show that a vast majority of Americans would be willing to turn over the traitors on the al-Qaeda bill of indictment even if al-Qaeda does not cease their bombing campaign especially in Britain, the U.S.'s former brutal colonizer.

Many Americans expressed the idea that it was Britain, given its corrupt and brutal colonial past that goaded Washington into joining the invasion of Iraq in order to steal their oil and other natural resources. "It certainly would make a shitload of sense given the way that limey pissant, Tony Blair, continues to blow it out his nasally ass even when common folk get blown apart because of his initial set of lies," explained Doris Esterly of Freeport, Maine.

Several States said they would join the referendum drive if certain other traitors involved in the invasion of Iraq were also sent to the Middle East for immediate execution. Wyoming said it would start collecting signatures if it was decided that James Baker III, Henry Kissinger, Tom DeLay, Jesse Helms, Steve Forbes, Lloyd Bentsen, Bill Frist and Clark Clifford could be added to the list. "And Donald Trump just for sheer get the fuckin' prick oughta here while your at it," chimed in housing advocate, J. Michael James.

"We got us a passle of murderous, traitorous American kleptocrats," said Brett Allmay, the mayor of Outpost, Wyoming pop. 5334. "This is a great opportunity to clean house. As long as al-Qaeda promises to send us the videos of the executions."

"Those murderous fucks never did nothin' for me but get my kids killed," said Jessica Teale of Devil's Head, Ohio. "Its about time somebody with a little balls steps and fries some of these traitors and al-Zarqawi's just the guy to do it."

"How much you think Rumsfeld's head would bring on Ebay. Probably a damn site more than it would on his body," chuckled David Ray of Earp, Montana. "They fuckin' lied to us. They betrayed our trust. I say let's do it. Let's see some of these fuck ups heads roll. Me and al-Qaeda are definitely on the same page on this one."

Of course, Americans have followed closely the lies and criminal behavior of those on the list. "Yeah. The machinations of Douglas Feith are something the whole family discusses at dinner and we are outraged how he has been instrumental in sending American troops into harms way to kill innocent people so that the elite can steal Iraqi oil. No. We'd decided something must be done about septic scum like Douglas Feith long before al-Qaeda made its very generous offer. We were just waiting for the right opportunity to come around to off traitors like Feith."

Because Americans possess a deep understanding and knowledge of the fundamental corruption of their leaders, they are prepared in detail to back up why they feel they al-Qaeda's offer is a reasonable one. A lot of the punks on al-Qaeda's list to be executed are former or current members of the Project of the New American Century. "We been trackin' those pieces of shit for 15 years. Its about time somebody pops 'em before they pop us again."

"I'm tired of being the PNAC's private army," said Corp. Al Spangler. "That's all you hear when you're in the shit. How smart them dudes at the PNAC are. Well, I say turn 'em over to al-Qaeda and let's see how smart them motherfuckers are then."

Aubrey Marks of Fusion, Arizona did a little dance and said, "I'm thrilled. Its about time Americans stopped being tools and cleaned house."