The Assassinated Press

What's at Stake in Iraq's Elections:
Elections Should Bring Civil War Into Sharper Focus:
Patina Of Democracy Designed To Intensify Violence.
Oh What A Tangled Web: Elections Compound Lies About Reasons For Invading Iraq---Lube 18:35

The Assassinated Press
December 14, 2005

Baghdada---Iraq's first parliamentary election since the country's constitution was ratified in October will choose legislators to enhance their power base and crush their rivals for as long as it takes. During that time, the United States and its coalition partners are expected to intensify the violence by reducing their troop presence while using proxy forces and permanent U.S. bases along the Syrian border to control the country's vast oil and natural gas wealth and gurad pipelines under construction which will run through Jordan and Israel out to the Mediterranean.

"Problem Is Everyone In Iraq Knows The Americans Are Here For The Oil Not Democracy. That's Why I Made Myself Oil Minister Not Election Superviser."--Ahmed Chalabi

"It don't matter who the fuck wins to us," said Secretary for State Terror Don Rumsfeld. "As long as we get the oil and bases we can use to invade Iran and Syria. And right now that's why we gotta lick oil minister Chalabi's flanks. We are an adminstration and a people of champion flank lickers. And as long as this talk of switching from the dollar to the Euro finally dies, and I mean dies, down. Just when you think you rubbed out every Iraqi who looks cross-eyed at the Euro another 50 of the little buggers crop up. We can't kill 'em or buy 'em with a chair at an Ivy League school fast enough that's how fucked the dollar is, the way Cheney's people have been stealing the cash the U.S. taxpayers borrowed from China."

* Number of mortality based musical chairs in the legislature: 275.

* Voters and candidates: More than 15 million people required to register, including expatriates wanted for various crimes in 15 countries; more than 7,700 candidates, either running as independents or as members of political parties in 19 broad alliances of convenience. "Hey. The friend of my enemy's friend is my friend too," commented Faux President George Bush in a somewhat muddled version of the old saw 'The enemy of my enemy is my friend.'

* Prime Minister: The new parliament will choose the next prime minister, with a two-thirds majority vote. Since the prime minister will either be Kurd, Sunni or Shi'ite a round roblin of killings and reprisals will ensue within the new constitutional framework. The prime minister will then form a Cabinet that will begin its own round of lethal musical chairs aided by the interests of the U.S., European, Russian and Chinese kleptocracies.

"I gave my schlong a blackberry for Christmas."

* Women: At least 25 percent of seats must be filled by women which will energize the Shi'ites to violently alter the process with the help of Iran even as the U.S. expands the definition of hand held porn from the masturbatory act to the masturbatory technology replacing one oppresion of women with another.

* The insurgency: Supporters of three major Sunni Muslim parties are expected to cast ballots despite threats from the Sunni Arab-dominated insurgency, probably increasing violence against Sunnis by fellow Sunnis as well as the Kurds and Shi'ites. It is clear this will not blunt the insurgency and will lead to clashes between Sunnis supporting the electoral process and those backing the insurgency.

* Kurds: Like the Sunni Arabs, they make up 20 percent to 25 percent of Iraq's population of 27 million. But unlike the Sunnis, the Kurds grim reaped considerable gains from the January polls, winning the presidency, the Foreign Ministry and a significant say in shaping the constitution that gives them the autonomous state they have long sought to use as a staging area to attack their neighbors Iran, Syria and Turkey. Increased competition from Sunni Arabs in this election could increase violnce by reducing Kurds' seats at a time when they are trying to secure control over oil-rich Kirkuk with help of the American kleptocracy's all volunteer mercenary force.

* Role of Shi-ite Dice: The United Iraqi Alliance, a coalition of Shiite religious parties with strong Iranian ties that swept the January elections, has agreed to stay unified, which could ensure civil war and eventually an Islamic State. But a strengthening of the religious Shiite camp could further alienate more liberal Shiites causing them to piss and moan and deny they embezzled money from Iraq from their New York penthouses sipping tea with Hilary and Rudi and the rest of their kleptocratic fellow travelers.