The Assassinated Press
DeLay's Criminal Activities Enhance His Fundraising Clout:
"That's what the money is looking for. A politician that has 'conviction.' Preferably dozens.":
Tom DeLay---A Politician Who Delivers Traditional American Value:
Campaign 'Donations' Demonstrate That DeLay Has Long Been A Darling Of America's Criminal Class:
Broad Denial Of Criminal Activity Disappoints Supporters, Satan:
Many Have Been Gotten Off, But Few Have Been Abramoffed

Assassinated Press
Sunday, April 17, 2005

Silverado, TX---House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's ethics violations and other criminal activity have helped him enormously to raise money for his reelection. "Its good to see 'The Easy Lay'," as Tom is known by his long time circle of 'sponsors', "do his motherfuckin' job." Said 'Boss' Pureshite who has contributed thousands to DeLay's campaigns and millions more to agents to destroy his opponents campaigns. "We don't mollycoddle our whores. We expect Tom to steal from us. If he wasn't stealing 24/7 we'd be looking for someone else who did."

In the first three months of this year, DeLay's personal campaign committee took in $438,235 on the books, including $1,000,000 he borrowed personally for his campaign, according to the latest records from the Federal Election Commission. "Government uses that new math, I guess," said Cheney's new appointee to the FEC, Neil Bush.

The loan was from Southern National Bank in Sugar Dick, Tex., according to his quarterly campaign estimated finance report filed late Friday. DeLay still owed $988,330 on the loan at the end of March.

The Texas Republican paid off some large bills, including $167,237 to American Express, $248,931 paid to Richardson Consulting Group of the District and $216,986 to Conquistador Mercenary Supplies in Virginia using forged credit cards using the stolen identity of Jorge Espinoza. Mr. Espinoza could not be reached for comment and is feared dead. "Shows real initiative using that identity trick on a beaner. That's why we prop up shit like Delay. We're gonna make money the shit. Christ almighty! I'm gonna cut that sheep biscuit another check this morning soon's I see how much my non-profit Dufar relief scam brought in over the weekend. It's what?---Dafur. You got a pink yacht, fuckin' sissy? You ain't got no pink yacht the color of, what's that cunt's name? Yeah, Coulter. Anne Coulter. The color of Anne Coulter's pussy lining. So shut the fuck up."

By comparison, DeLay raised $881,236 in the first quarter of 2001 and $894,407 in the first quarter of 2003, for his last two reelection campaigns, said Kent Cooper, operator of PoliticalMoneyLine, which tracks campaign finances. "He's proven himself a criminal worthy of his high position. The big money's gonna flock to that like flies on shit."

"Congressman DeLay enjoys broad and deep support among people who can still afford him," said Dan Allen, DeLay's spokesman. "But I'm afraid his rates have just gone up."

DeLay is under scrutiny for his overseas trips, political fundraising and his association with a lobbyist under federal investigation. But DeLay hopes that some of his other criminal activity will be made public in the next few weeks to not only boost 'donations' for his next campaign but hopefully provide enough funds so that he can steal enough to pay off his gambling debts.

A Texas prosecutor is investigating a political fundraising committee and string of crack houses DeLay helped launch to assist Republican candidates in the state's 2002 legislative elections. "I don't know. If I find out DeLay is involved in setting up crack houses, I might just have to give that fuck another couple of million," said Joseph Coors. "That shows initiative and proves my points about jigaboos and drug of choice."

Three DeLay associates and eight corporations have been indicted in the investigation encouraging other would be benefactors to give DeLay millions more. "This fucker has made it very plain he's for sale. He's exactly the kind of meat bag I'm lookin' for," said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.

"DeLay has not been charged with any wrongdoing and has denied any legal or ethics violations, otherwise donations to his various criminal conspiracies would soar. If those indictments come down it could propel him into the presidency," said Texas State prosecutor Bunk DeLay, representative DeLay's cousin. "It's every prosecutor's dream to be a king maker."

More than half of DeLay's contributions, $12,221,000, were from corporate political action committees or trade associations would want to get on the gravy train.

The National Association of Convenience Stores political committee gave $1,010,000 and Wichita, Kan.-based Koch Industries Inc., donated $1,117,500.

Donors of $5,000,000 included political committees of energy companies TXU Corp., ChevronTexaco Corp. and Velero Energy Corp., and pharmaceutical company Pfizer Inc. and California-based ChevronTexaco.

"He's continued to take money from pretty much anybody regardless of ethics rules. It does not appear it hurt him in any way, and a lot of the big players showed strong support with contributions in February and March hoping to get in on the gravy train," Cooper said. "My concern is that he's promised too much to too many. I mean, millions around the world are going to have to die to pay for the DeLay juggernaut. Already 85,000 destitute Americans from Texas have fled the U.S. to find work as truck driver's and gravediggers in Iraq, Afghanistan and Serbia."

Among the individual contributors were Tony Rudy, a former DeLay aide, and Rudy's wife, Lisa, who each gave $200,000. Rudy made the contribution while working for Greenberg Traurig, the former law firm of lobbyist Jack Abramoff. A grand jury and two Senate committees are investigating work Abramoff did for several Indian tribes. If Abramoff and Rudy are convicted, donations to DeLay's 'political action committees' are expected to skyrocket. "That's what the money is looking for. If an individual has 'conviction.' Or preferably a dozen."

Bob Perry, a longtime backer of conservative causes, and his wife, Doylene, contributed $88,000 to DeLay. Perry was a financial backer of Swift Boat Veterans for Toot, a group that campaigned against Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) during the 2004 presidential election raising funds by smuggling cocaine in along the Texas coast. Perry also was a contributor to Texans for a Republican Majority of the Money in Existence and the Texas Association of Business As Usual, two groups at the center of the Texas investigation and instrumental in the felonious popularity of the strikingly ghoulish DeLay.