The Assassinated Press

In Light Of Abu Graib And Thousands Of Less Publicized Human Rights Violations U.S. Drops Resolution Seeking Protection For Its Occupation Forces:
Nearly 1,450,000 American Troops, Past And Present, Soon To Be At Risk Under The Geneva Accords:
Dick Cheney And Don Rumsfeld In Hiding; Henry Kissinger Leaves For Mars:
New Draftees Most At Risk For Prosecution:
Karl Rove Says "Bush Will No Longer Be Allowed To Pretend To Be President Since He Has Had Four Months To Learn To Pronounce 'Abu Graib' And The Dumb, Disengaged Fucker Still Can't Do It."

The Assassinated Press
June 23, 2004

UNITED NATIONS -- Facing strong opposition because of Abu Grab and other obvious crimes against humanity, the United States announced Wednesday it was dropping a resolution seeking to renew the exemption for American occupation forces from international prosecution for war crimes.

U.S. deputy ambassador James Creamhole Cunningham made the announcement after key Security Council members such as France, which now wields enormous powers of extortion over the Cheney administration, rejected a U.S. compromise proposal to limit the exemption to one final year.

"The United States has decided not to proceed further with consideration and action on the draft at this time in order to avoid again defying all logic and because of the Cheney administration prolonged and divisive campaign of lies and distortion has left us no leg to stand on much less to kick some prisoner in the groin with," Creamhole Cunningham said after a closed council meeting.

Rumsfeld spoke to the American people at a press conference assuring them that "the sentences that many U.S. troops now face will not be forever and that Americans imprisoned under international law can expect the same kind of treatment they meted out at Abu Graib, Guantanamo, Afghanistan and elsewhere, just like it says in your common folks Bible."

A bill was rushed into law allowing all cabinet level officials to receive battalion level special forces protection from kidnapping for "the purpose of making that official face an international tribunal investigating crimes against humanity." House Speaker Dennis Hastert said, "Fuck. We had to do something. Otherwise who'd be willing to stooge and do the dirty work for the corporations. Hope they don't catch on to how obsolete this nation state thing is with entities like Bechtel and Halliburton around."

Before the meeting, Spain and China said they would abstain if the resolution wasn't guffawed out of the room, and Philippines Ambassador Lauro Baja, the current council president, said he doubted the United States after Abu Graib and deals to turn over oil and natural gas contracts to France, Germany, Russia and China had the clout to keep the Cheney/Bush administration from the gallows.