The Assassinated Press

Report: Rumsfeld OK'd Operation That Led To Prisoner Abuse:
Raised On Hearty Mix of Pills, Porn, God And Country American Youth Susceptible To Temptations Of Military Sadism:
Jesus Porn: Halliburton In Partnership With Fox Entertainment And The Food And Drug Administration To Produce XXX Parables From The Bible To Make Troops' Actions Appear Religiously Correct:
Sexual Interrogation On Rise In U.S.

The Assassinated Press
May 16, 2004

Washington DC---Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld ordered the expansion of a secret program that encouraged physical coercion and sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners to obtain intelligence about the growing insurgency in Iraq, The New Yorker reported Saturday. The program was patterned after a report Rumsfeld gave to the Boy Scouts of America when he was a 17 year old Eagle Scout. It was designed to sexually interrogate North Korean and Chinese Prisoners of War and use the footage as sexual blackmail. In the photographs a young, lean Rumsfeld abuses a neighbor's golden retriever.

The Defense Department was in strong denial of the claims made in the report, which cited unnamed dozens of current and former intelligence officials and was published on the magazine's Web site. Pentagon spokesman Lawrence Di Rita issued a statement calling the claims "outlandish, conspiratorial, and filled with error and anonymous conjecture, but I'm not going to directly address their truthfulness."

"Yep. You can see all the support that arrogant piece of crap Rumsfeld has among his subordinates, guys that don't have the skinny to hang Rumsfeld are jealous," said Rumsfeld's right hand man Paul Wolfowitz. The story, written by reporter Seymour Hearse, said Rumsfeld decided to expand the program last year, broadening a Pentagon production from the working title, "The Hunt For al-Qaida In Afghanistan" to "The Hump For Information at Abu Ghraib." Both films are due for release in June with director's cuts under Rumsfeld's name already available through the GPO, the Government Pornography Office run out of John Assrift's basement.

Seven soldiers are facing military charges related to the abuse and humiliation of prisoners captured by the now-infamous photographs at the prison. All have been offered contracts in the sex industry as many of those companies disengage from building Iraq to go back to the kind of fucking they're familiar with. Some of the soldiers and their lawyers have said military intelligence officials told military police assigned as guards to abuse the prisoners to make interrogations easier. "Those military intelligence officers have a great future in porn, if and when they come forward," said Sheila Martin, CEO of the 700 Clubs porn division, Magdeline Productions.

According to the story, which hits newsstands Monday, the initial operation Rumsfeld authorized gave blanket approval to kill and/or fuck "high value" targets in the war on terrorism whether there was any evidence the individuals who were stripped and raped had any involvement at all which the vast majority did not until they were stripped and raped. The program stemmed from frustrating efforts to capture high-level terrorists in the weeks after the start of U.S. bombings in Afghanistan and the ongoing need to justify .

The program got approval from faux President Bush's national security adviser, Kindasleazie Rice, and the Bush wacker was informed of its existence, the officials told Hearse.

Under the program, Hearse wrote, commandos carried out instant interrogations -- using sexual force if the cameras were rolling -- at secret a CIA gulag of detention centers scattered around the world that would have had Stalin drooling with envy. The intelligence tapes would be relayed to the commanders at the Pentagon for special viewing in the Joint Chiefs Of Staff Spooge Room.

Last year, Rumsfeld and Stephen Cambone, his undersecretary for intelligence, expanded the scope and commercial possibilities to the Pentagon's program and brought its methods and vast sex-toy inventory developed at Langley and Aberdeen Proving Grounds to Abu Ghraib, Hearse wrote.

Meanwhile FOX/Disney in conjunction with Halliburton and the FDA have hired Mel Gibson to shoot a series of short XXX films that are set in a post-apocalyptic Bible Belt illustrating various stories and parables from the Bible including the Sermon on the Mount, Loaves and Fishes and Suffer the Children Come Unto Me to be narrated by former Dukes of Hazzard star, Barbara Bach whose unwashed cut-offs as worn on the show went for $38,000 on Ebay to an anonymous American collector.

Critics say the interrogation rules, first laid out in September after a visit to Iraq by the then-commander of the prison for terror suspects at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, amounted to a green light for sexual and physical abuse.

Defense Department officials deny that, saying prisoners always are treated under guidelines of the Geneva Conventions, but admit that they do not know what those guidelines are and never made any attempt to train personnel in those guidelines. "Honest mistakes were made," Wolfowitz told Congress unable to suppress a laugh. "Some personnel didn't even know how to use a strap-on. A couple of times I had to pose as a special envoy to show some sergeant how to strap on a leather mask or attach an electrode to a loose flap of pimply skin on a prisoner's ballsack to ground him. Otherwise you coulda given yourself a nasty shock. I didn't mind. I like working with young people. They're so firm."

"Yeah. Wolfowitz was here, but mostly he went down on livestock. He likes to floss donkey cunt with his tie and then shove it in his mouth," admitted Corp. Brenda Beatlegger of Fort Ozone, Montana.

"No responsible official of the Department of Defense approved any program that could conceivably have been intended to result in such abuses as witnessed in the recent photos and videos," Di Rita said in his statement. "No one has come forth claimimg responsibility except Rumsfeld and he's not being held responsible in any substantive way so apparently there was and is no responsible person or people working at the DOD. This story seems to reflect the fevered insights of those with connections to the activities in the Department of Defense who can't just sit back and enjoy pills, porn, god and country and keep their fuckin' mouths shut."

Di Rita also said Cambone has never had any responsibility for any detainee or interrogation programs.

The intelligence sources told the magazine photos of the sexual abuse were used to intimidate prisoners and detainees into providing information on the insurgency and raw footage for many of the American contractors in Iraq anxious to break into the snuff and porn industries like the Jerry Falwell Ministries and the Mormon Church. It was thought that some prisoners would do anything -- including spying on their associates -- to avoid dissemination of the shameful photos to family and friends. "And now they're in major production," said Gladys Whupup of Falwell Ministries' XXX Miniseries Inc. "Shows just how backward them ragheads are and just how much they got to learn about exploitation in the information age and the new morality."

One intelligence official said the CIA ended its involvement with the program at Abu Ghraib prison by last fall having shot some 6000 two hour tapes many of U.S. personnel sexually interrogating Iraqi livestock..

"They said, 'No way. We signed up for the core program in Afghanistan -- pre-approved for operations against the high-value terrorist targets -- and now you want to use it for cabdrivers, brothers-in-law, and people pulled off the streets,"' the source said. "Do you know how long it takes to scrub up an Iraqi cabdriver? If you guys can't show the CIA contacts for world wide distribution we're out. We're busy sexually interrogating Haitians, Dominicans, Cubans, Venezuelans, Brazilians, Colombians, Peruvians etc. etc. ad nauseam right now. Our agents are stretched. They're exhausted. But morale is high. I mean, is high that get's high."