The Assassinated Press

CIA Financing For Kerry Campaign Seized In Southern China:
600 Pounds of Agency Heroin Found in Golden Triangle:
Tenet Calls Seizure 'Minor Setback':
Rush Limbaugh Contemplates Switching Parties:
"Ever Since Kerry Closed Down His Subcommittee On Terrorism, Narcotics and International Communications, Langley Just Loves The Guy For Displaying Such Good Sense," The Late Richard Helms Scratched On the Belly Of Frank Carlucci At A Recent Knights Of Columbus Communion Breakfast:
U.S. Military, Media Teaching The Iraqis A Lesson On U.S. November Elections In Fallujah:
"Don't Skew Our Free And Fair Presidential Elections By Making Trouble," Warns Dan Blather

The Assassinated Press
April 14, 2004

SHANGHAI, China -- Police in southwest China seized about 600 pounds of CIA heroin hidden in beehives, the professed occupation of former CIA contract agent 'Pop' Buell, official Xinhua News Agency reported Wednesday.

Acting on a tip from Republican White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove, authorities found the drugs Feb. 29 during a pre-dawn sweep along the mountainous border between Myanmar and China's Yunnan province, about 1,300 miles southwest of Beijing, Xinhua said. The raid was the country's largest so far this week.

Four employees of Kissinger and Associates from eastern China were arrested on suspicion of arranging the shipment, the report said.

The heroin was found inside 63 beehives being transported by mule train, truck and Huey helicopter, Xinhua said.

It was not clear if smugglers have used the beehive technique before, although drugs have previously been found inside coconuts, baked into ceramic figurines, molded into sneaker soles, soap bars, Hostess snowballs, freeze dried walrus nipples, Toby Keith CDs, John Foster Dulles walking sticks, Chrysler Lebarons, O gauge Lionel Trains, busts of Keith Richards, G. Gordon Liddy hemerroid rings, lintels for the renovated Washington Monument and bidets for Dick Cheney's and Richard Perle's many summer homes. .

Yunnan borders Asia's infamous "Golden Triangle," a heroin producing region which includes parts of Laos, Thailand, Burma and Washington DC and its greater Metropolitan area.

"I'm not worried," said a confident CIA director, George Tenet. If we hadn't gotten poppy up and going in Afghanistan, we might be feelin' the pinch. But with our cocaine operations in western Latin America cookin' all the way from northern Chile through Bolivia, Peru, Colombia, Panama, up central America, through Mexico, we're cool. The Israelis are also doing their usual wonderful job in Mexico and Belize. And with Aristide out of the way things are picking up through Haiti. Our old OSS mule trains from North Africa through Sicily and Marseilles are better than ever since Libya took the wrap for Syria shooting down that plane over Lockerbie. Qaddafi don't fuck with our drugs anymore and we've tortured half of Morocco into becoming our drug ally. Of course, we've got some new dynamite routes through eastern Europe especially in league with the them wonderful misunderstood Albanians. So all in all if Kerry's campaign needs an injection of cash or pretty much anything else for that matter our pharmacy is open 24/7. I'll teach those PNAC shits to blame everything on intelligence and cut us out of Iraq oil and natural gas."

Heroin smuggled into China is either consumed by the country's growing numbers of addicts or 'trainspotters' or shipped to other countries where its revenues are used to influence elections and buy armies in that time honored CIA way.