The Assassinated Press

Many Corporations and Conservative Billionaires Threaten to Withdraw Financing to FreedomWorks and the Tea Party Unless Sarah Palin Has Surgery to Correct Her Deviated Septum.
Palin Offered New Game Show By Fox Called ‘It Pays To Be Ignorant.’
Founder and CEO of Sky Capital Holdings, Ross Mandell Indicted For a $140,000,000 Investment Fraud Joins Dick Armey's FreedomWorks Team.

The Assassinated Press

“Palin’s Scratchy, Whiny Voice Annoys Voters, Induces Nausea,” Billionaire Richard Scaife Asserts.

It’s the 45th focus group he has organized this week. And the result is always the same. Sarah Palin’s scratchy, whiny, nasally pronouncements have caused irritability, migraines, nausea and even nose bleeds among the volunteers in the focus groups.

“I’m exhausted,” primped conservative pollster and Richard Simmons look alike, Abel Ranchpine. “Palin simply has to do something about her voice. She doesn’t so much talk as quack. And maybe get some lipo for that ass too. And a jaw reduction. 45 sessions and we’ve filled the Ben Taub General Hospital emergency room ten times over with people bleeding from their ears.”

“Where the fuck did she get that 78RPM voice, “ Dick Armey, head shill for the conservative front loaded for-profit organization FreedomWorks, recently asked Palin’s PR handler and former star of the TV show ‘The Nanny’, Fran Drescher. Drescher is reported to have replied, “Personally, I can’t hear it.”

Princes Bandar bin Abdul Aziz a member of the Saudi Royal Family which gives millions of dollars to Dick Armey and FreedomWorks which in turn trickles down to the Tea Party has described Palin’s voice “as like a can full of marbles rolling down an iron stair case.” “I simply can’t stand it. I’d rather give my money to somebody who speaks mellifluously and who shares a deep passion for Islamic Culture like Glenn Beck.”

Church of Scientology Executive Director International, Guillaume LeSevre Blames Palin’s Addled Syntax for Political Failures of Tea Party.

The Church of Scientology too has recently threatened to withhold millions from Dick Armey’s FreedomWorks. Executive Director Guillaume ‘Billy Bob’ LeSevre insists Palin’s jumbled syntax and disjointed phrases have confused people who were otherwise “quite clear in their minds concerning their hatred and fear of Black and Hispanic people.”

The comment I get most often is “I only wish Sarah Palin were a native American speaker like Orly Taitz. She went to college for a bit, right? Who was her English teacher, Professor Irwin Corey?“

AT&T, Verizon, the Unification Church, General Electric, General Motors, Church of Scientology, the Saudi Royal Family, Goldman Sachs, BP and Halliburton Just a Handful of Corporations Threatening to Withhold Tea Party Funds.

“Wait until Armey and his mob of ignorant suckers can’t afford fast broadband access to the internet because us folks at AT&T and Google have stopped giving FreedomWorks cash because Palin sounds like a whimpering, soppy tart,” said Google founder Larry Page.

From FreeDumbWorks to FiefDumbWorks.

“The fucking woman’s a loser and every bonehead she picks up is a loser,” said Halliburton CEO David Lesar. If we’re gonna give Dick Armey and his Tea Baggers the golden shower they desire, I don’t want that muppet voiced asshole singing in the stall next to Sharon Angle or Tammy Bruce. Palin’s like the karaoke version of Anita Bryant.”