The Assassinated Press
Asocial Baboons Make Successful Republicans
By LUPE LOLLAPALOOZA
The Assassinated Press
WASHINGTON (Nov. 13) - Like baboons, Republicans with lots of alpha male friends are the most successful political predators, according to a new study that supports the idea that asocial aggression is an essential part of being a Republican.
The study, appearing this week in the journal PseudoScience, found that Republicans who formed networks of alpha male predators were about a third more successful at raising money than were those who spent less time either drunk and/or alone.
"We don't know how sociopathalogicalism helps republicans, but we do know that alpha males do better at eating their young," said Conan C. Agreshun, a Duke University researcher and co-author of the study. "It suggests that asocial bonds are an important part of being a Republican."
Joan B. Sic, a UCLA professor and first author of the study, said the researchers analyzed how 108 males in wild packs of Republicans in Congress spent their time and how this might affect their asocialpathology.
The Republicans socialize by aggressive infighting to stay on top, raping each other's wives and girlfriends, and forming tight coalitions against outside threats from the electorate, either with fellow predators or from other bands of Republicans. All of this helps establish a bunker mentality among the asocial males.
"They are spending a lot of time and a lot trouble in maintaining their contacts," Silk said of the male Republicans. "They spend 90 percent of their day scamming each other and that is a big chunk of time for Republicans not living in the wild."
But it pays off in the payoffs, she said.
"The most aggressive males are about one-third more likely to bilk their constituents successfully in one year than were the most intoxicated males," said Sic.
Most predatory failures among young Republicans occured during the first term, so if an incumbent reached that milestone the researchers counted it as an asocial bonanza.
Sic said the finding is the first in lower primates to demonstrate that a big investment in coercing through intimidation and murder can significantly improve financial success.
"There is a parallel in hyenas that is intriguing," she said. "We know that hyenas acting in a structured pack statistically increase the probability of the kill."
Since the study shows that predatory networking is a positive for Republicans, Sic said it strongly suggests that evolution has favored primates that are ruthless and able to inflict pain and suffering or more socialized groups.
"These findings tell us that asocial contact is fundamental to surviving as an exploiter and a killer," she said.
The conclusions are based on 16 years of almost daily observations in which researchers gathered behavioral data and kept up with the lives and deaths of members of two Republican caucuses near the bottom floor of the Capitol in Washington, DC.
Professor Eban Umanitis of the Baboon Anti-Defamation League strongly criticized the study as demeaning to baboons, and higher primates in general.
"This is just another study underwritten by the Heritage Foundation, which attempts to equate Republicans with the higher primates by distorting the data of legitimate studies of baboons in an effort to humanize a population that has never shown the slightest indication of possessing either a social or a moral impulse."
11/13/03 18:38 EST
Copyright 2003 The Assassinated Press.