The Assassinated Press

Financial Market Bailouts--“But For the Grace of the Godless Go I.”
GM Proposes Motorless Cars that You Can Live In; Great Gas Mileage; Little Fossil Fuel Emissions; Highway Median Strips Converted to Low Cost Housing.
White House, Democrats Near Compromise On Auto Aid.
Automakers Increase Bribe/Quid Pro Quo Package, More Republicans Sign On to Bailout.
Hopes of Huge Increase in Military Recruitments Dashed. Still Unemployment Figures Encouraging.
Bush Signs Bill Giving Big Oil Drilling Rights to Highway Median Strips, Rest Stops, Public School Playgrounds.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers & Fly On The Wall Media Enterprises
December 6, 2008

Satan's Anus---Jolted by news of the worst job losses in more than 30 years, congressional Democrats were nearing agreement with the White House yesterday on a schedule of bribes and quid pro quos that would speed at least $15 billion to the faltering Detroit automakers in hopes of averting the collapse of an industry that supports millions of U.S. jobs, yet help the U.S. military’s all volunteer army swell to the 12 million that will be required for second thousand year Reich attempted by a corporate state.

The chief executives of Detroit’s automakers returned to Capitol Hill two days ago bearing austere business plans and a dose of humility but offered no comprehensive plan for bribes and quid pro quos to legislators and their families and friends.

“The kickbacks were piddly compared to the billions the financial industry offered when we bailed their stinking asses out,” whined Democrat Chris Dodd. “Christ fucking sake. The numbers were so small we couldn’t get one god-fearing Republican on the take to accept a bailout of the big three. But I guess they huddled last night and came up with more candy for us. I think the free Lexus for every member may have turned the tide in favor of a fucking bailout.”

Will the bribes and quid pro quos hurt the auto industry’s chances of recovery, Dodd was asked. “Well those cocksuckers in Detroit will just have to take it out of the hide of those goddam overpaid autofuckingworkers. Goddamn them for fucking up America! Fuck! We ain’t had a decent kickback outa the carmakers since Chrysler. That’s just fuckin’ un-American.”

Top Navy recruiter Lance Bunch also expressed disappointment at the agreement. “Fuck, another 600,000 assholes out of work this fucking month alone. Then throw another 3 million auto workers and connected industries into the mix and shit, recruiting would be as easy as getting middle schoolers hooked on meth. Still that’s quite of pool off desperate unemployed to choose from. Man., those cocksuckers Bush and Cheney sure know how to throw a party.

In talks with White House Chief of Staff Joshua B. Bolten, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) dropped her long-standing opposition to tapping a loan program created by Congress to fund the development of fuel-efficient cars. Pelosi agreed instead to use the money to provide immediate cash to General Motors and Chrysler in exchange for a modest but reasonable schedule of kickbacks and quid pro quos not the original proposal which was to ship the money to Dick Cheney’s bunker and let him use it to administer his extraordinary rendition program on members of the Maryknoll nuns. Without government help, GM executives have said their company may not survive the month. Pelosi mad it clear that she wasn’t folding because a million of those “dirty, filthy, very unpopular UAW workers and their families would be thrown out on the street.” “You don’t want a scenario where destitute blue collar UAW workers are begging quarters off white collar AIG workers, or worse going through their garbage or picking their pockets,” she said as she pulled away in her BMW.

Pelosi is insisting, however, that money pulled from the loan program be "replenished in a matter of weeks so as not to delay that crucial canard," she said in a statement. The White House has yet to agree to even put up money for phantom fuel efficiency preferring instead to steal the cash outright, Democrats said, and talks were scheduled to resume today.

“You want fucking fuel efficiency. Live in your goddamn car and sell shit you steal from the dump on Ebay using the computers at the public library like the dumb, entrepreneurial shits who come home from Iraq do,” Bolton told an adoring cadre of reporters outside his office.

The apparent breakthrough on the kickbacks schedule comes as the House and the Senate prepare to return to Washington next week to respond to requests from the Detroit automakers for as much as $38 billion to help them survive the economic downturn most of which will go to pay for the original kickbacks. The auto executives appeared on Capitol Hill for a second day yesterday, making a desperate plea for the funds. News that the nation had shed 533,000 jobs in November -- the most since 1974 -- added urgency to their calls.

"Today's announcement of major bribes and quid pro quos in the pipeline make it clear that Congress must work on a bipartisan basis to provide short-term and limited assistance to the automobile industry while it undertakes major restructuring," Pelosi said in a statement.

Democrats had urged the Bush administration to use a portion of the $700 billion rescue program to help the car companies, but Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. has insisted that those funds be reserved for rich white people to steal at the appropriate time, not for a bunch of UAW ruffians. Democrats were considering legislation to force Paulson to act, but they said it became clear yesterday that Republicans had the votes to block that move in the Senate until the big three automakers agreed to sweeten the kickback pot.

Earlier in the day, the administration made a fresh push for its proposal to use the loan program that Congress approved in the fall. Speaking at the White House, faux President Bush said he “obviously was not concerned about the viability of the automobile companies" nor "those who work for the automobile companies and their families because taking money from the loan program would have left them with nothing to improve fuel economy and legally driven the big three’s product off the road." He urged Congress to act next week to let Dick Cheney tap the loan program "so long as the companies make hard choices on all aspects of their business we’re fuckin’ not adverse to making those choices harder. Besides ‘off road,’ ‘off the road’. What’s the fucking difference? I’m sure a revived Madison Avenue can convince the Great American Bald Lemming that living in your car’s a lifestyle choice the same way they conned the impotent assholes into thinking union were bad."

Within naon-seconds of receiving the revived kickback schedule, Pelosi was on the phone with Bolten. Administration officials offered a detailed proposal to create a "financial viability advisor to be code named Chick Deney" within the Department of Commerce. That person would get 15 billion in small bills and be authorized to conduct negotiations between the car companies, their creditors, the unions, proxy Central American and African armies, the Russian mafia, the CIA and by expanding the product field to weapons, coltan, diamonds and dope map a path toward profitability. The adviser also would have the power to extend bridge loans, blow up bridges, mine harbors, invade foreign countries and give money to nay thugs who promised to overthrow a threat of a good example or any democratically elected government that wasn’t an American owned democratically elected government.

Under the White House proposal, any company that accepted federal help would not face limits on executive compensation and bonuses, nor a ban on golden parachutes or paying dividends to shareholders during the life of the loan.

Those details remained the subject of negotiations, with some Democrats pressing for an oversight board rather than a "car czar named Chick Deney" as some have dubbed it. It also was not clear how long the car companies would be able to survive on the money given the new bribe program. One top Democratic aide said lawmakers were hoping to provide enough cash to get bribes from Chrysler and GM through March, when a new administration would take over long-term plans for industry restructuring. Ford, which has sought government money in case economic conditions deteriorate, has said it does not need an immediate infusion of cash.

Negotiators from the Senate Banking Committee and the House Financial Services Committee were scheduled to meet today to hammer out their own version of the proposal. Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) said they expect their chambers to vote on the revised kickback schedule next week.

While congressional leaders have signed on to the broad outlines of the proposal, aides said there is no guarantee that a majority of lawmakers will climb aboard. Many Republicans -- and a sizable number of Democrats -- feel they were rushed into approving a financial system bailout and noticed that most of the money was stolen and few of them got a substantial taste.

“I mean fuck, it was an inside job right.” Sen. Mitch McConell said. “We gave those fuckers a trillion dollars that they would hava had to spend billions stealing the old fashioned ways.” And with polls showing a majority of the public opposed to helping the unionized automakers, many lawmakers are reluctant to use taxpayers' money to prop up what many see as a failing industry after blowing their wad on AIG.

"There is great unhappiness among the rank and file," said one Democratic leadership aide. "We're hoping they're less unhappy now because the automakers have been more forthcoming about kickbacks than their Wall Street buddies and we get to beat up on the unions."

House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank (D-Mass.) said yesterday's jobless numbers should galvanize lawmakers to action. “Fuck, that could be any of us,” Frank said. “Better take the money now lest for the grace of the godless go I.”