The Assasinated Press

Success of Twitter Result of Short Attention Spans Caused by Mercury Poisoning Researchers Say

The Assassinated Press

Researchers at John Hopkins School of Medicine have released a study to be published in October in The Lancet detailing the relationship between short attention spans in both children and adults and high levels of Mercury found in ‘organic’ vegetables and fish.

“This study goes a long way to explaining the success of social media especially Twitter,” said psychologist Jane Donigan. “You can’t just blame it on sucking at the Western imperialist teat any longer. Now, it’s a bonafide pathology.”

And there’s more. The majority Twitter’s start-up capital came from Maruha Nichiro, one of the world’s largest exporters of fish especially tuna and Koch Industries owned by the self-polluting, deeply evangelical brothers David and Charles Koch.

Koch Industries and Maruha Nichiro signed a partnership agreement in 1998. The agreement stipulates that both companies will systematically deny any harmful effects from their products especially mercury in the case of Maruha Nichiro and a host of chemicals including lead, arsenic and carbon dioxide coming primarily from the Kochs. Both companies have funded a myriad of political candidates in the US and Japan as well as around the world, suborned expert witnesses, and created think tanks, public relations firms, and research centers that front for their financial agendas.

To this end Maruha Nichiro and Koch Industries ordered a study of mercury poisoning in fish. The results, a diminished capacity for intelligent thought and dramatically shortened attention spans which began showing up in poets in 1970, convinced the two companies to invest in Twitter with its infantile prohibition of 140 characters.

“The limitation of 140 characters amounts to a form of self-censorship,” Koch analysts reported in 2005. “Nothing of import or lasting interest can be communicated in 140 characters. Only the glib, the outright banal and stupid and the ephemeral.”

“We like them 140 word ‘revolutions.’”

The report went on to say that Twitter and social media in general can be used as a destabilizing tool and packaged to US intelligence and corporations. “Seeming revolts like the color ‘revolts’ in Eastern Europe can be accelerated by the use of social media and regimes we no longer profit enough from can be replaced by new dictatorships. Like social media, illusions of democracy will be fleeting as the old authoritarian guard for example US corporations and their private armies in US intelligence which is still firmly in place and actually controlling social media can flourish. We like them 140 word revolutions if they even last that long.”

Finally, the report describes the destabilizing effect of social media like Twitter. “Countries in chaos are not a bad thing. Any country involved in open conflict is in play. It’s up to our policy makers to make the right moves. Like sanctions and aerial bombing, social media destroys centuries old societal structures and replaces it with nothing.”

“I pissed my pants when I saw this report, “David Koch told this reporter.