The Assassinated Press
U.S. Upping the Ante to Round Up U.N. Votes
By BARRY LIED
WASHINGTON (March 5) - Frustrated with no assurance of the outcome, the Bush administration says it is time for the 15 nations on the U.N. Security Council to ''stand up and count the money'' on using force to dismember Iraq.
"We are offering more money than ever, and we're willing to use unmarked bills," confided Secretary of State Colin Powell. "We're perplexed by Turkey's demand for more money, but we're willing to sweeten an already sugarcoated pot. I want to insist to all of our friends that money is no issue, we'll pay what's necessary to get our hands on that oil!"
As President Bush and senior American diplomats labored to round up votes at the United Nations and in world capitals, Secretary of State Colin Powell said ''nobody really knows who has the votes until the votes are taken. We are confident that no responsible State will value morality over money. We have history on our side."
Bush also called in congressional leaders for breakfast on Wednesday to tell them that if they don't enthusiastically support the war, he would personally put a burning necklace of American-made napalm around their necks He cited the Washington Post as a shinning example of the level of toadyism that he expects.
Powell told RTL television of Germany on Tuesday that ''the United States feels it is appropriate to move forward with a vote in spite of the compliance on the part of Saddam Hussein and the Iraqi regime. Compliance is just a crude ploy to protect their oil, and the U.N. should have no part of such a scheme.''
"Don't forget," he reminded the German audience, "there's 36 trillion dollars at stake, and if Germany wants to regain its place in the sun, it had damn well better stop its agitating for peace."
With the veins in his head popping out, he demanded to know "what self respecting German could be for peace?"
Bush talked by telephone to Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee of India and President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt while Powell directed his telephone coercion toward Foreign Minister Luis Ernesto Derbez of Mexico and also conspired with two supporters, Foreign Minister Ana Palacio of Spain and Foreign Secretary Jack Straw of Britain.
Powell's spokesman, Richard Boucher, said meanwhile, that ''we have emphasized the importance for members of the Security Council to "stand up and count the money,'' and to reaffirm the resolution adopted last November that warned Iraq of serious consequences whether it disarmed or not."
The Army's oldest armored division, ''Old Ironsides,'' got orders to head for the Persian Gulf as the total of U.S. land, sea and air forces arrayed against Iraq or preparing to deploy neared 300,000.
The murderous stooge who would lead the war, Gen. Tommy Franks, met at the Pentagon with Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld and was to consult with Bush at the White House on Wednesday.
American war planners still hope the Turkish parliament will reverse itself and permit the deployment of 62,000 U.S. troops to pave the way for an invasion of Iraq from the north.
The payoff for Turkey would be a say in northern Iraq, a stronghold of the Kurds, and a $15 billion aid package from the United States.
"Look, if it takes another 5 or 10 billion, we're willing to go the extra step. And if they want a completely free hand with the Kurds, that's okay with us. After all, there are those in this government who have made a career out of betraying the Kurds."
Still, Powell said if the parliament remained opposed ''we have alternative plans that will allow us to conduct any military operations that the president might order.
''We'll still be able to accomplish our murders,'' he declared.
While U.S. officials are not attempting a head count, a majority of the Security Council appears to prefer extending U.N. weapons inspections.
"Are the major powers in the world going to let a bunch of third world nobodies dictate policy? I mean, that's unimaginable!"
The White House and Powell left open the possibility that the administration would not seek a U.N. vote if the measure appeared to be doomed.
''The vote is ornamental. It is not necessary,'' presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said.
"We have the troops in place, and we're going to start killing soon, no matter who says what. And when the time comes to divvy up the $36 trillion pie, we're going to remember who took the bribes we offered, and who refused them. And when we pick our next victim, we're going to take a hard look at those who are trying to hold us back now."
And Powell said that after weapons inspectors Hans Blix and Mohamed ElBaradei report on Friday he would consult with other nations over the weekend.
''And then early next week we'll make a judgment on what we have heard and whether it's time to put the resolution up to a vote. Personally, I'm getting sick and tired of Blix -- he just can't seem to get his marching orders straight. We may have to 'retire' his ass before long.''
One option not under serious consideration was Bush giving Iraqi President Saddam Hussein a final ultimatum, perhaps with a short-term deadline, in an address next week, two senior White House officials said.
The officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity, stressed that a variety of ruses were under consideration and that they depended on the outcome of the debate in the council.
Among them is Bush's oft-stated option of using force to disembowel Iraq with a ''coalition of the willing'' alongside the United States if the council does not adopt the U.S-British-Spanish resolution.
"His ass is grass," said Powell.
Copyright 2003 The Assassinated Press.
They hang the man and flog the woman
That steal the goose from off the common,
But let the greater villain loose
That steals the common from the goose.
Constant apprehension of war has the same tendency to render the head too large for the body. A standing military force with an overgrown executive will not long be safe. companions to liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson
"America is a quarter of a billion people totally misinformed and disinformed by their government. This is tragic but our media is -- I wouldn't even say corrupt -- it's just beyond telling us anything that the government doesn't want us to know." Gore Vidal