The Assassinated Press

Harold Camping Is No Isaac Newton
Isaac Newton Predicted the End of the World in 2060.
Since He’s the Darling of Western Rationalism and the Father of the Calculus, His Prediction is the One I’d Fuckin’ Worry About.

The Assassinated Press

Forget Harold Camping even though his background is in Civil Engineering, a bastion of Western Reason and flush toilets. Like most engineers, as a mathematician he’s shooting from the hip.

I’d worry more about the prediction of the end of the world made by the sweetheart of modern physics and the Calculus, Sir Isaac Newton. In a document littered with calculations not unlike Camping’s derived from the Book of Daniel and a recently released letter, the Father of Western Science predicted the End of the World in the Year 2060.

Newton’s prediction is a bit chilling considering global warming and Newton’s reputation.

Oh, I know. Newton straddled two world’s one where a literal understanding of the bible and the practice of alchemy stood comfortably alongside the Calculus, gravity and the motion of the planets.

And I think it’s safe to say that the minority rational side of Newton’s work has survived because its ‘predictive’ powers have proved infinitely greater and more precise than the theological.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that in the sciences prediction is limited to the properties of the entities under study so therefore the experimental method can act as its own fait accompli especially in highly formalized settings like high energy physics.

Experimental anomalous data, the inevitable flashing, in turn becomes a subject for study.

But is there a fatal flaw at work at the root of the modern scientific method fathered by Newton, Leibniz, Bacon, Galileo et al? Is that root flaw the formalization of existence, reduction of the ‘ding an sich’ to a set of limited and limiting properties? Hasn’t the entire western enterprise been a reductio of the ‘actual’ as it operates in nature to a tool that conforms to some observed and impossibly disengaged understanding of that Nature?

Camping, a mere civil engineer but a true believer like Newton was wrong again. He’s a greedy fuck who wants money so he peaks too soon in his predictions so he can fuck pomeranians or blow German Shepherds or whatever it is he does with his ill-gotten gains.

But given Newton’s genius and privilege position as an insider, may he not be right? May their not have been something in his development of formal systems also informed his calculations and predictions about the Apocalypse? Or is it mere coincidence that man made inventions that depend on Newton’s discoveries are in turn bringing about the End of the World?

From Newton’s mouth to your ears. 2060 Baby!