The Assassinated Press

TALES OF BLING AN SICH?

ROBBIN LEECH
The Assassinated Press
4/3/13

TI-TONIC

Late last month, Aussie mining mogul Clive Palmer unveiled plans for his latest project, a replica of the most famous ship there ever was. No not the Argo. No not the Niña, Pinta, and/or Santa Maria. Try again, Dickwad. No not the Arizona or the Potemkin either. Not even the fuckin’ starship Enterprise.

According to Palmer, whose fortune nears a reported $800 million, construction will soon begin on a new model of the Titanic, the fated vessel that sunk in the North Atlantic more than a century ago.

While the Titanic replica is not intended for Palmer's personal use — he says 40,000 people have expressed interest in tickets for his ship's maiden voyage — the point remains: when you're rich, you tend to spend your money in ways that isn’t going to provide succor and aid to any fuckers.

With the new Titanic slotted for a late 2016 launch, MSN honours Palmer's vision with other crazy things rich people have bought — from billion-dollar houses and private island homes to a pair of Natalie Wood's soiled panties and Bill Casey's hemorrhoids to submarines and gold-plated private jets to diamond studed dentures and Japanese anima soaked in the urine of the last known living dodo bird..

The ship is slotted to collide this time not with an iceberg though god knows there are planty of those calving off the poles as we speak.

No Palmer’s Titanic II will slam into the housing project on Far Rockaway that his been left 90% under water by global climate change.

TOP SQUAB

Many wealthy moguls are familiar with high-stakes racing, paying millions for ownership of a horse or, like late-night host David Letterman or former NFL coach Joe Gibbs, buying a stake in a car racing team. But one Chinese billionaire paid plenty to get into a different kind of racing game last year. According to PIPA, a Dutch auction house, shipping magnate Hu Zhen Yu paid $328,000 for a racing pigeon, making the bird the most expensive pigeon ever sold. Yu admitted at the time that pigeon racing, an ancient sport popular in Europe, was a new game he was hoping to enter with a splash. Unfortunately, when he returned home with the bird in a simple wooden cage, Yu’s private chef mistook the bird for Mister Yu’s lunch and stir fried the one third of a million dollar bird.

But all was not lost. Mister Yu’s enterprising comfort boy placed the takeout ready pigeon on Ebay and the winning bid of $426,234.56US went to Mark Cuban.

MONDO CONDO

Former and current CEOs from the world’s two major nuclear weapons makers, General Electricand Westinghouse plan to survive the world's end in luxury condos built in a Cold War-era missile shaft below a Kansas prairie. The gaggle of execs each ponyed up $100,000,000.00US for the right to live in a nuclear holocaust survivable condo with all the ameneties including a health club, including saunas that also measure your level of radiation, indoor pools sans spent fule rods and Japanese robotic pets.

JET LAG

Any titan or royal can own his own private jet, but it takes wealth of quite another level to outfit your plane with solid gold. Brunei's Sultan, Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Mu'izzaddin Waddaulah, reportedly spent 'at least' $520 million on his Boeing 747, which is decked-out in the precious metal, according to the Daily Mail. The excessive amount of gold makes the jet too heavy to get off the ground and expensive to maintain not to mention guard, so the Sultan is forced to fly coach and he stores old magzines in the plane. Reportedly, the sultan spent some $120 million of his $40 billion fortune to outfit the jet in gold trim, about the same amount he gave Oliver North to outfit the Nicaraguan mercenaries known as the Contras.

HEAD TIME

Henry Nicholas, a leading pioneer of the first tech boom, is often credited with keeping California's Three Strikes Laws on the books and championing Marsy's Law, which, among other things, puts restrictions on paroles that often delay prisoner releases.

So it was no surprise that when he was indicted and convicted of drug trafficking from his remodeled luxurious Laguna Beach home, the judge through the book at him.

JUST KIDDING! The fucker’s rich ya’ll.

The charges were dropped, assholes. And the $30 million remodeling project with an interconnected "warren" of rooms - with 12 foot high ceilings - containing everything from stereos and jacuzzis to gold-leaf columns to statues of Buddha to, of course, ample stashes of cocaine, ecstasy, Viagra, speed. Oh, and prostitutes. Many, many prostitutes were again alive with the sound of music. In this instance a band called Orgy.

CLEO PATRONIZED

In 2011, as was widely reported in the media, supermodel Naomi Campbell was given an incredible gift for her 41st birthday — a sprawling private island home designed in the shape of the Egyptian Eye of Horus. The home, with its 25 bedrooms and five lounges, sits on Cleopatra Island in Turkey’s Gulf of Gökova, and was given to Campbell by her Russian billionaire boyfriend, Vladislav Doronin who buries the bodies his business associates there.

HOW'S THAT BLINGY THINGY WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

Imagine, for a moment, what it would take to top a list of most extravagant purchases by athletes, a demographic not widely known for their frugality or family planning. Excessive jewels and cars have become the bling an sich for sports' biggest names, but perhaps there should be an entirely new category for what Deshawn Stevenson had installed in his home last year.

Through a photo he uploaded to Instagram, the then-member of the Brooklyn Nets introduced the world to the ATM he'd put in the kitchen of his home. Stevenson, now playing for the Atlanta Hawks, has earned more than $25 million throughout his pro career. The ATM set him back $3,000, holds $20,000 (and he has it refilled four-to-six times per year) and charges $4.50 every time he uses it.

But worst of all, Stevenson, has a line out the door to use the ATM and it can now take him an hour and forty minutes to get on his toaster in the morning.


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