Anti-Immigration Panel Calls On Cheney Administration To Sign Kyoto Accords

The Assassinated Press

Anti-Immigration Panel Calls On Cheney Administration To Sign Kyoto Accords:
Buchanan, Dobbs, O’Reilly Blame Global Warming For Flood Of Immigration To U.S.

The Assassinated Press

On Wednesday, a three member panel of anti-immigration pundits addressing policy makers and experts at the American Enterprise Institute urged the Cheney administration to put into place immediately policies that would reduce and if possible reverse global warming.

“The tie between global warming and immigration is obvious,” said financial flack Lou Dobbs. “The hotter it gets up here in North America, the more congenial it is for those little brown types who are accustomed to living close to the equator. The fuckin’ answer is to cool it down up here and then the little niggers will stay away.”

“It’s just sound science,” added word stylist Bill O’Reilly. “White people are better equipped to handle the cold. We turn down the thermostat up here and the immigration problem will solve itself.”

The three speakers held the crowd of 600 wrapped as they elaborated the dangers of immigration and the U.S.’s great good fortune to have pin pointed the problem in global warming. O'Reilly charmed the audience with "What good is it to be a xenophobe if everybody you hate and fear has been baked off the planet?"

“When you find those people leaning on their fuckin’ trucks, short sleeved, drinking Coronas in January you know the planet is in some big fuckin’ trouble,” said Pat Buchanan head of the World Association of Xenophobes or WAX.

"Of course, I realize Cheney on behalf of his corporate handlers will never order the Commander In Chimp to sign Kyoto. So in that sense this problem isn't going away soon and I'll still be able to make a few bucks off of it," Dobbs told the crowd. "But one day immigrant buying power ill exceed xenophobe buying power and those in this room that can't adapt will become expendable."

Solutions to the problem included intercontinental refrigeration systems like giant air conditioners with Cristo-like ribbons streaming out hundreds of miles from the vents. Also buying cold air from Canada and Russia was proposed as well as bottling the chemical equivalent of Henry Kissinger’s attitude toward the Southern Hemisphere in general.

Westinghouse Corporation still holds the rights to the giant refrigeration system requested by Edward Teller and originally designed to stabilize the chain reaction in a thermonuclear explosion. This ship based device was only used once in a test that killed hundreds of black stevedores at Port Chicago, California toward the end of World War II and vaporized the prototype. Port Chicago was a weapons depot. It disappeared in an explosion in 1944. The explosion vaporized an entire ship and shattered a second, leveled the town, and killed 320 people, of whom two-thirds were black stevedores. A year later the U.S. Indianapolis steamed out of Richmond, California with another thermonuclear weapon and refrigeration system.

“Stan Ulam came along with his more elegant solution and we mothballed Teller’s monstrosity,” Westinghouse CEO, Steve Tritch, told the gathering. “Teller as usual stole the idea from Ulam and claimed credit, and as usual Ulam was too much of a pussy to do anything about it.”

“I was skeptical coming in,” said AEI fellow, Richard Perle. “Who’s gonna mow my lawn. Pack my chicken. Pick my lettuce. But with some of the proposals here we can have zones where the immigrants will find it warmer, more congenial to live. And wherever we don’t want them we can just freeze their asses out. Then again we can make them cough up part of their remittances or threaten to turn their cajones into snow cones.