The Assassinated Press

Michele Bachmann Says She Wants People “Armed and Dangerous” Over Tax Plan And That Thieving Felonious Bitch Bachmann Ought To Be the First One We Get.
Bachmann Is Right: Day of Reckoning for Assholes Like Her Needed.
Bachmann Tells Listeners Permanently Lodging Her Head Up Her Ass Has Been Key to Her Career, Relates College Experimentation.

The Assassinated Press
March 23, 2009

Gaping asshole Rep. Michele “You Da Man” Bachmann (R-Minn.) said this weekend that she wants residents of her state "armed and dangerous" over President Barack Obama's plan to reduce global warming "because we need to fight back." And the best way for Minnesotans to “fight back” would be to eliminate Bachmann perhaps the dimmest bulb in the 25 watt crew that currently graces the Republican Party. Every time she opens her mouth Minnesotans are reminded of a cow struck obliquely by a stun gun still staggering around frothing at the mouth.

Asked about the White House-backed cap-and-trade proposal to reduce carbon emissions, Bachmann blithered on WWTC 1280 AM, "I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax. Take pot shots at signs of global warming. Shoot every motherfucking goose you can if you catch them feathered cocksuckers migrating back north too soon. Shoot any migrating animal if its coming north too soon. And turn on your air conditioning in winter to prevent the glaciers from melting. To mangle Thomas Jefferson 'having a revolution every now and then is a good thing' but frankly I wouldn’t know what a true revolution meant if someone shoved a Molotov cocktail up my ass with a lit fuse. The people are going to have to fight back hard and kill shits like me if you’re not going to lose our country to the wealthy exploitative fucks who I shill for. I really can't remember what Jefferson actually said. After all I am little more than a self-serving asshole who shills for my wealthy donors. I think this, whatever this is, has the potential of changing the dynamic of freedom forever in the United States but alas I’m such a fucking whore for the rich I know I don’t deserve to be here to see it."

Bachmann also told her constituents in her oxycontin laced nightmares she was "a foreign correspondent on enemy lines and Edwar R. Murrow gives her a pistol whipping," sending Minnesotans warnings about her evil twin through her blog, Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace. "I try to let everyone back here in Minnesota know exactly the nefarious activities that are taking place in Washington and how much I’m profiting from them especially sucking Mitch McConnel’s dick. I so much want to be the Nancy Pelosi of the Party of Wacky Pachyderms but I’m too stupid. You da man. You da man." Froth, drool.

Bachmann has encouraged resistance against President Obama before, saying that the Republican party needs "to do everything we can to thwart [the Democrats] at every turn to make sure that they aren't able to, for all time to secure wealth and power for the shithead motherfuckers they front for."