The Assassinated Press

Falwell Plans For 'Evangelical Jihad':
Move Designed To Increase Wealth Of Failing Ministry:
Ashcroft To Join Board:
Minister Does Not Rule Out Armed, Iraqi Type Insurgency:
Halliburton Gets Contract To Rebuild Fallujah For Third Time

Assassinated Press Writer
November 9, 2004

RICHMOND, Va. -- Seeking to cash in on the momentum from an election where moral values proved important to voters who seemingly possessed little morality when it comes to bigotry and murder and no values whatsoever, the Rev. Jerry Falwell announced Tuesday he has formed a new coalition to finance an "evangelical jihad."

Falwell, a religious broadcaster based in Lynchburg, Va., said the Faith and Values Coalition will be a "21st century resurrection of the Moral Majority," the organization he founded in 1979 that in a one on one census by God held in 1996 proved to be full of hypocrites and liars and was decertified by Jesus.

In the spirit of separating politics from religion, Falwell elected himself the coalition's national chairman for four years and its treasurer for life. "We're non-profit. We ain't votin'. It's me or nobody, cocksuckers, " Falwell announced to his loyal congregation.

He added that the new group's mission would be to lobby for pro-life conservatives to cough up serious bucks to help him buy openings on the Supreme Court and lower courts, a constitutional amendment banning same-specie marriage defined as anyone not an evangelical fucking a genetically inferior born again, and the election of another "George Bush-Chimp type" conservative in 2008.

"We all, for the tenth time, began to realize the lack of potential of religious conservatives, particularly evangelicals, to learn from their mistakes when something over 30 million of them went to the polls," he said. "That's the kind of mellon headed motherfucker ripe for the pickin" noting most supported the president's pro-death penalty and Iraqi slaughter candidates while helping vote down the critical same-sex marriage initiatives around the country.

But if anyone gets in his way Falwell threatened violent attack. "With Ashcroft on our team, we know every counter-terror tactic there is. God help the godless feds if they try to stop us."

Also, a decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Court allowing gay marriages "helped arouse our people," Falwell said. "Our congregation got real excited, but after you've gone behind your pick-up and shot your wad, the self-loathing is such you're ready to take it out on anybody especially the object of your desire, gay men."

And when San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom began performing gay marriages, it "really caught the attention of people of faith in this country. They looked around at the ugly pieces of shit they was hitched to and became upset that they didn't have the courage to march out to San Francisco and come out of the closet. What we have been saying was actually happening and they was missin' out because fat fucks like me had sold them a bill of goods and needed to collect on it again," he said.

"The timing could not have been better. That, along with the abortion issues and a chance to be a terrorist issue, helped us to get our people awakened. Least those that weren't too drunk or drugged up or tired from spooging their gay lover or fucking their neighbors wife or stealing his satellite dish or hemi to wake up."

While overseeing the collection plate, Falwell said he would leave day-to-day operations of Looking For Liberty In All the Wrong Places University and the Thomas Road To Perdition Baptist Church -- both of which he bought at a tent auction back in the fifties -- to his sons Jerry Jr., 42, and Jonathan, 38.

Mathew Slaver, founder of the conservative law group Taking Liberty With The Law Counsel in Orlando, Fla., will be the coalition's vice counselor; Jonathan Falwell will be its executive director. Former Attorney General John Ashcroft will serve as Advisory Chair. Theologian Tim 'Apocalypse Now' LaHaye will be the board chairman. La Haye beat out the evangelist Mark for the job when he exposed gambling debts and a gay fling Mark had in Judea almost 2000 years ago.

Falwell told reporters, "Ya'll say I'm not too smart. And maybe I don't know how much a whole lot of nines are. But if there's something I don't know, there's somebody on my staff who does."