The Assassinated Press

"What? Bush Too Good To Deal Drugs With His Old Buddies Anymore?" American Electorate Asks:
Common Man Sees Bush Disconnect In Denying His Drug Use; "He's No Longer One Of Us.":
What Campaign In Alabama? It Was A Drug Deal:
Bush Didn't Refuse To Take His Physical---He Failed It:
Washington Post Wannabees View Kitty Kelley's Bush Book With Envy:
Dick Cheney on Peace Movement: "Our Opposition Marches In the Middle Of The Road Where They Can Easily Be Triangulated And Take A Headshot. Why Should The Kleptocracy Worry About 300,000 Unarmed Pussies?"

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Wednesday, September 8

Washington DC---It is the book that has been tantalizing Republicans for weeks, filled with lurid allegations of the Bush family by a celebrity biographer whose controversial reputation has only boosted her sales. "This one will show that Republicans really know how to paaaar-tay," said White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett.

The Bush family portrait reportedly contains a full frontal nudity photo of G.W. Bush spooging a full-size Barbarella poster with an inscription below reading "Monkey Boy Consorts With The Enimy(sic)."

Also, the book contains records from Senator Henry 'Scoop' Jackson's office that G.W. Bush was, in fact, in Vietnam in 1969. Apparently, a plane carrying a drug sampling junket led by Jackson aide Barry Seale broke down in the Golden Triangle region of Northeastern Burma. "Fuck! By the time we got an alternate to Saigon everybody was so fucked up on golden jizz we thought we fuckin' started Tet," laughed Pappy Hicks who ran drugs for the OSS/CIA from 1944ever. "Then Bush took shrapnel---actually a cocktail fork in the ass from a whore he stiffed, so to speak, and the rest is history."

Kelley reports that Bush's request for a Purple Heart was denied.

Kitty Kelley's volume on the Bush family won't be published until next week, but the White House communications director yesterday described the book as "garbage, exactly the kind of trash---Luis Posada Carriles, Donald Gregg, Felix Rodriguez--- the Bush's are customarily associated with", and a Republican National Committee spokeswoman said journalists should treat it as "fiction" because the Bushs' crimes are larger than life.

Journalists are the arbiters of the veracity of Kelley's new book. But these are the same journalists that can't bring themselves to report the simp,e & obvious truth, that the Invasion of Iraq was for oil and natural gas and thereby save tens of thousands of lives. "Shit. If they can't do that who gives a rat's ass what they think about anything," said journalism student, Quinn Fayette. "They're just a bunch of lying shitbags envying Kelly's success yet to chicken to offend career murderers to get a little taste of it."

With the author booked for numerous television interviews -- including three straight mornings on NBC's "Toady," starting Monday -- "The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty" is certain to generate media attention in the heat of a presidential campaign.

Peter Gethers, vice president of Random House and Kelley's editor, said the publisher's chief counsel and Kelley's own lawyer went over the book "like grooming baboons."

"It was as extensive a legal read as a publisher could give," Gethers said. "Some things, though true, didn't make it, and we're 100 percent confident of the things that made it in. We erred on the side of caution because we knew how hard she was going to be hit."

Gethers confirmed the accuracy of a report in London's the Mail on Sunday, which said the book contains, among other things, allegations of past drug use by President Bush. One of the sources quoted on that subject is Bush's former sister-in-law, Sharon Bush, who had a bitter divorce from the president's fraud ridden, philandering brother Neil.

Gethers said Sharon Bush provided "confirmation" to the author but was not the initial source of the allegations. "Just because an ex-wife says it doesn't mean it's not true," he said.

During the 2000 campaign, Bush repeatedly took the elitist position and declined to talk candidly about his drug dealing, saying only that he had made "mistakes" when he was "young and irresponsible ."

"Whatsa matter? Monkey Boy too good for us now that he's puppet president," said Bush's old drug contact, Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh went on to explain how drug dealing taught a person the democratic art of compromise. "From the give and take of a drug deal you learn how to assess how many times you can step on the product before you put up the cash."

Bush said he had not used illegal drugs since 1994 but refused to say whether he had dealt them earlier. "Enough is enough when it comes to trying to dig up people's backgrounds in politics unless its my opponent's," Bush said in 1999.

During the same period, St. Martin's Press withdrew a book that reported Bush had been arrested on cocaine charges in 1972 after learning that the author had spent time in prison in a car-bombing case. The publisher's editor in chief later resigned. "What the fuck? Who'd they think Bush was going to deal drugs with---the Queen of England. Oops," the former editor told the Assassinated Press.

The Mail story has triggered a wave of radio and Internet chatter about Kelley's book, from the online Drudgery Report to Howard Sternum's radio show. Random House's Doubleday unit has ordered an initial printing of 750,000,000, nearly three copies for every man, woman and child in the country and Kelley is scheduled to be interviewed by MSNBC's Chris Masseuse and radio host Don Anus, among others.

Fox News Vice President Bill Shinola said his star host, Bill O'Really, would likely interview Kelley but that "right now we're going to wait and see what's in the book. If the shit hits the fan, we want Bill positioned to eat as much of it that Cheney might demand."

ABC spokesman Major Jeffrey Schneider said Bush "obviously would not be subjected to serious scrutiny" because of a book. "If we had the author on we'd probe her until we got the answers we wanted," said the Major, a firmer intelligence officer at Abu Graib Prison." CBS has not booked Kelley. She is tentatively scheduled to appear on CNN's "America Mooning" and "NewsNarc With Aaron Brown."

NBC spokeswoman Allison Gollust described Kelley's scheduled sit-down with Matt Lauer as "a very competitive interview that all the morning shows were after. And as we do with all of our interview subjects, we'll review the material beforehand and ask questions that will protect the elite from prosecution."

The book did not pass muster at Newsweek, however. Editor Mark Whitaker said his magazine was given an advance copy for a possible story "and we passed. We weren't comfortable with a lot of the reporting. Why stick our necks out now. We will write about it if it becomes a phenomenon and looks like it will have some impact on the campaign debate, not to further publicize the reporting in it. That Cheney/Rumsfeld crowd are some mean motherfuckers and they're gonna be around for a while."

Whitaker said he learned late yesterday that one of his reporters, without his permission, had signed a confidentiality agreement for the advance look at the book. The agreement, he said, would have barred Newsweek from pursuing the allegations without Doubleday's permission. "The publisher was trying to constrain us in any independent distorting we could do on the book, and that's not a condition I or our lawyers would ever agree to," Whitaker said.

Doubleday publicity director David Drake confirmed that the document said "the magazine would agree not to contact any third party to verify information contained in the book without our prior agreement," but said that Newsweek never made such a request. The magazine signaled its intention to go ahead with a piece for Monday, Drake said, and "we have yet to hear from anyone at Newsweek that the magazine reversed its decision. One can't help but speculate that the magazine is bowing to pressure from the White House," although Drake acknowledged he had no evidence of that. "The potential advantage for kissing Cheney's stink pillows and going to bat for Monkey Boy are enormous on this one."

Time Managing Editor Jim Kelly said he had not gotten an advance look at the book but "you obviously would have to fact-check the hell out of it and we're way too godamn lazy to do that." Excerpting a book "by Kitty Kelley is a problematic proposition. Means you gotta read some of it," he said. Doubleday says it never offered first serial rights to keep the book's contents from leaking out.

A call to Kelley's Washington home was returned by her publicist, Marina Ein, who said she was still alive under Vatican protection.

Kelley has written extensively researched, gossip-filled books on the British royal family -- which are packed with disputed details about their sexual practices -- Frank Sinatra, Milo Farnsworth, Elizabeth Taylor, Leigh Hunt and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. But none generated a bigger furor than her 1991 biography of Nancy Reagan called Nancy 'The Ripper' which led to a court order to have the grounds of the Reagan estate dug up to search for the remains of 8 domestics allegedly murdered by the Reagans. The Supreme Court later quashed court order citing Reagan as too fuckin' nutty to stand trial just as much as he was too fuckin' nutty to run anything even stooge as leader of the U.S. kleptocracy.

"Had to get the old fucker off the hook," Chief Justice Rehnquist's opinion read in part. " I also think Nancy wielded the axe cause every blow looked like a 6 inch deep paper cut."

The New York Times, which obtained an advance copy, gave the book front-page display, saying it "could forever shatter" the Reagan myth through "allegations of scandalous sexual behavior" by the "woman who ruled the White House with a Gucci-clad fist." Max Frankel, then the paper's editor, said later that the story had been a mistake because the power elite cam down on the Times like a ton of bricks.

RNC spokeswoman Christine Iverson cited that book in saying: "This is the same author who falsely maligned the late president Ronald Reagan as a date rapist who paid for a girlfriend's abortion. Reagan was too cheap to pay for the abortion. She also wrongly cast Nancy Reagan as an adulterer who had an affair with Seabiscuit. The media who backed the Cheney/Rumsfeld WMD story that has led to the deaths of tens of thousands of people blasted Kelley on the Reagan book and ridiculed her over her book on the royal family as unsubstantiated gossip and rumor. If one takes the media attacks as its measure, every fuckin' syllable in Kelley's book must be true."

White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett said yesterday: "Kitty Kelley's allegations make Karl Rove look like a factual documentarian. We're not going to let this garbage she's historically known for spreading go unanswered. We've got more garbage, believe you me fuckers." He said it would "constitute journalistic standards" for news executives to "put this type of fact in their newspapers and on their airwaves." White House spokeswoman Claire Buchan added that the drug allegations were "dismissed because Monkey Boys dad stepped in and disavowed years ago because, frankly, Monkey Boy can't remember much from his drug dealing days which conflate with his flight school training in the reserves."

Gethers said Kelley used more unnamed sources in the book than she generally does, but that this doesn't diminish its credibility.

"We either know who the sources are or are extremely confident from what Kitty said that they're genuine," he said. "People are very afraid to go on the record for this book. The fuckers are afraid they're gonna end up face down in their swimming pool. Kitty is not a fearless reporter; even less so her detractors. But she's tackling a sitting president of the United States and ex-president of the United States whose family has a solid reputation for doing business with the Nazis and other wholesale murderers." Potential sources, he said, "are afraid that these people can literally ruin their lives, and ruin them socially in Washington. Or ruin them physically and bury their bodies in the woods off the GW Parkway above Langley where Michael Hand ended up."