The Assassinated Press

Limbaugh Of The Bailey, Still Unbowed Unless The Money's Right:
'It's Only Hypocrisy,' Conservative Talker Says On His Return To Drugs:
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"We Did It For Ted," A Tearful Thomas Clines Says:
Bush Tells Brits; "We Americans are sometimes faulted for our naive faith that violence can change the world."
White House Documents Reveal Cheney Knew Halliburton Was Lacing GIs Drinking Water With Horse Piss

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Tuesday, November 18, 2003 1

Karachi---Rush Limbaugh returned to the airwaves yesterday, saying he is "powerless" to overcome his drug addiction and his listeners are "just going to have to put up with my habit no matter how many brutal and ignorant things he says while he's under the narcotics influence. I'm as nasty and mean spirited as ever, especially with professional help from my staff and the killers that back me. I vow not to turn into a linguine-spined liberal, but to remain a linguine-spined conservative ready to be rolled up into any fuck that forks over the dough."

Five weeks after leaving his radio program to check into a rehabilitation clinic, Limbaugh, 52, at times sounded more like Dr. Sidney Gottlieb than the most bibulous conservative commentator on the air. "I can no longer turn over the power to kill to anyone else, which is what I have done a lot of my life, in order to be liked, appreciated or understood by others who would prefer murder to the sacrifice of the meanest creature comfort," he said. "And in the process I denied myself who I was. I can't be responsible for anybody's continuing existence on the planet but my own. I am unbowed to the forces that don't have the resources to line my pockets. But to those who do have the bucks, I want them to know there is again a rush of moonlight over AM."

He added that "there are people who say I'm a hypocrite" because he was taking drugs while "telling people it was OK to scapegoat the weak." But, he said, "Lighten up. Its only hypocrisy . . . just because I was doing something that was contradictory and criminal. . . . doesn't mean I have to change my behavior or my opinions. I've been running on self-loathing for years. I just don't have the character to face my own shortcomings, so I attack the weak and those who defend the weak. Its classic. I'm a classic. It doesn't change right or wrong. And I was wrong. I'm just not going to take responsibility for my words and actions while I was wrong. Because that would mean what I said and did was wrong. Do I look like St. Augustine to you? Fuck no!"

Limbaugh's plea bargain and subsequent 'voluntary' treatment came after the National Enquirer reported, based in part on the account of a former housekeeper at his Palm Beach County estate, that his use of painkillers had come under scrutiny by Florida authorities. He told listeners that "it's quite hilarious to listen to people quote the National Enquirer as the world's foremost authority. And I thought people that quoted me were funny. I'm here to tell you they're not, and what you know, or think you know, my lawyers and the media will convince you, you don't know." He said he was "constrained" from saying more for now because he "wasn't high or wasn't feeling the buzz I expected from the shit I bought behind Drug Depot this morning. I'm concerned. No buzz. And I own 100,000 shares of that stock. That's the last time I mainline with Michael Milken."

Limbaugh's admission last month sparked a fierce debate over whether he deserves sympathy for exposing himself as a sniveling, coward who agreed to go into a 'voluntary' program on advice of his lawyers to help avoid prison time or abandon him in Saudi Arabia, where they stone drug addicts for the years, in which he mercilessly mocked drug users, among other targets, while concealing his own drug problem.

Radio host Sean Hannity, a conservative FUX News host and Limbaugh fellow traveler, said yesterday that Limbaugh was "smelling fresh in a little bendover we had before air time" and "I don't think he's going to miss a chance to beat up on people. He's all too human. We all have issues we deal with in life and if you lack character like Rush, I mean if you're a real ethical nobody like my friend Limbaugh, you'll need to come back and begin jeopardizing the lives of the powerless. The first test is whether you can redefine honesty as being scared shitless about getting caught even with all the bread he has for lawyers. It says something about Rush the man. He wants to be a hardcore sociopath. But he just doesn't have what it takes. Could you have imagined G.Gordon Liddy or Donald Gregg or Otto Reich or Ted Shackley or (Oh No. Not another long litany of U.S. foreign policy criminals. Please can't you just do a link?) Everybody knows someone who's gone through this and lots of people are afraid of jail time. But, unlike his audience, this guy can pay the best lawyers in the world and bribe like-minded officials. That vicarious connection with his audience after 15 years is not going to stop until they're picked up for an ounce of marijuana and start doing ten to life. Then they better not come to Rush for help even though the assholes were gullible enough to swallow lines like '[E]verybody knows someone who's gone through this.'"

But Ellen Goodman, a liberal, ergo utterly moronic Boston Globe columnist, hallucinated that Limbaugh "is going to have a little trouble talking in quite such a self-righteous voice about the weaknesses of other human beings." "Like hell he is," retorted American Nazi talk show personality, Hap Himmler. "He's going to be even more self-righteous. That's what the self-righteous are, you fop. When caught they're like Phoenix rising from their own shit, like Nixon, Carter, Reagan, Clinton or Schwarzenegger. Liberal critics might ease up if he becomes "a kinder and gentler Rush," Goodman said. "I mean what bullshit. Then "but if he remains the person who is judgmental and eagerly trashing his opponents, you'll find the charge of hypocrisy from the non-Rush fans." More Liberal bullshit. Can't see the blood for the crocodile tears. "Either talk about the money or go back to Good Housekeeping," Himmler jibed.

Michael Harrison, editor of the industry magazine Talkers, sees the drug problem as having a positive element. "The only challenge Rush Limbaugh faces is a personal challenge of where now to cop his drugs," he said. "I don't think he'll have a problem maintaining and building an audience. This country was built on hypocrisy and the kleptocracy has been packaging it as foreign and domestic policy since before the Republic's inception. Because most of us benefit or imagine we benefit from this hypocrisy especially from its imperialist dimension, the industry and the listeners have shown tremendous support for Rush Limbaugh. Professionally, he's in a better position than he probably would have been if he hadn't been a drug addict because there's so much interest in him. Only thing that would have been better for his ratings would be if he shot his housekeeper on the air and then lifted up his shirt and jiggled his tits. This could all be PR to boost his ratings. That's what makes this country great. People forget that the media is bullshit and their reality is formed around that delusion. That's why we are such accomplished killers."

Limbaugh's comments about the Enquirer drew peals of laughter from the tabloid's editor, David Perel. "Talk about the 'pot' calling the painkiller black. Now that Rush supposedly got clean, it's time for him to come clean," Perel said. "How he continues to spin the issue in the face of overwhelming facts shouldn't amaze anyone. He would not have put himself into rehab if he hadn't been under investigation for his drug addiction. For him to take a shot at us certainly has the kind of ring of dishonesty about it, we and Rush so much prize. We're both going to make a lot of money on this."

Limbaugh provided no details about his treatment, or if it took place, but said it was extremely helpful, unlike two previous attempts to kick the habit at Marilyn Manson's house in Beverly Hills.

Because the drugs have not yet been flushed from his system, Limbaugh told his audience of 20 million, "I was honest with you the whole time. I was not honest with myself. See, you are an audience of 20 million that have made me and my sponsors a shitload of money. If I told you that I had been dishonest with you while I remained honest to my addiction, then, in a world of people with integrity, I'd be doing monologues to my reflection like another doper, Narcisssus. So please suspend your belief. I know since you parrot what I say you must have little or no character and absolutely no sense of decency. So stick with my program. My legal bills are going to be ferocious. Being exposed to a series of criminal indictments made me realize that I was wrong and my lawyers made me understand what I could do to stop the indictments, and so I did, hopefully. And send me money. Think of it as like the donation you leave at the statue of the Virgin Mary of Bling Bling or stick in cootch of your favorite stripper. It's all the same to you, but, if you stick the money up my ass, it makes a world of difference to me. "

But there was many points on which Limbaugh, who has said he began taking prescription painkillers after unsuccessful hypocrisy in 1995 or 1996, had been less than honest. He disputed critics who said he had been unduly harsh on drug abusers -- saying, for example, that they should be "convicted" and sent "up the river" -- insisting yesterday that he hadn't been hard enough. "If I had a been tougher maybe there would have been more drugs for me and I wouldn't have had to take such a risky route in pursuing and buying drugs for resale so Andrew Jacksons wouldn't have shown up on my bank statements. Limbaugh admitted that when callers would talk about painkillers such as OxyContin, he would salivate and be jealous "This business that I've been hard on drug addicts -- I am one. But I'm also rich and self-righteous," he said.

My staff knew my secret, he said, "but I only hired folks that were into different kinds of drugs especially hallucinogens. This helped us enormously in understanding what motivated the American public, our listeners. I manipulated, lied to my audience, whatever it took -- I was an addicted to money first, the drugs were a luxury." He said of his multiple diseases of money, self-righteousness and drugs. "It's sort of like being restrung out here at age 50. Oops, I lied about my age."

Harrison called Limbaugh's opening remarks "reality theater, currently the media's favorite oxymoron. It was clearly a contrived, polished, planned performance, a stream-of-script effort to convey as much of what was still in his bloodstream as possible. . . . The more critics take shots at him, the bigger he bloats. He's not a public official. He shouldn't be held to any standards. He's a showman like Mike Tyson or Robert Blake."

As if to underscore that he would not be deterred from be a tad predictable, Limbaugh eventually criticized what he called the "hypocritical Clintons" and chastised Sen. Edward Kennedy for saying that some of President Bush's judicial nominees are "Neanderthals." "Some of them!" Rush snorted. "They all are! And why slander Neanderthals? I understand they were not nearly as vicious as the homo sappeons that listen to my program. What's it gonna hurt, a few more brutes on the court. If you aren't black or hispanic, don't sweat it. The fuckin' ACLU. They think they're EMINEM."

And he did it with an allusion to the ignorance that forced his departure as an ESPN football commentator last month after he made ignorance comments about the game. "Christ. Courtney Love knows more about football than that steaming pile of unsubstantiated water buffalo droppings," Warren Moon said.

"My writers wrote that I should say, its a good thing that Senator Kennedy didn't say it on ESPN or he might have been forced to resign because his audience wouldn't have known what the fuck he was talking about ," Limbaugh said. "But then again, Ted's got his daddy's robber baron money so he doesn't have to put his foot up his ass and act the clown a couple of times a year just to keep the yahoos glued to their radios, like me. Hey! That will drive a guy to drugs. Pandering to yahoos. I'm gonna call my lawyer, that shitfucker."