Tony Snow Spins Spin: “If you try to spin guys, they're going to see through it."
The Assassinated Press

The Snow Man, Out To Win One As The ‘Glibber’:
From Hand Job To Snow Job Tony Snow Knows How to Work More Than One Room:
Its Curtsies And KY Jelly As Tony Bends Over For Cheney:
The Snow Man Like Mark Foley Takes It In The Ass To Demonstrate To Young Pages How Its Done In Washington:
Snow Sees Reward In Afterlife---February 2008, On Rupert Murdoch’s Yacht:

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
October 12, 2006

SATAN’S ANUS, THE WHITE HOUSE---On the morning of Oct. 2, Tony ‘The Snow Man’ Snow did six flat-on –his-back television interviews from the White House lawn, and one phrase came back to haunt him.

While criticizing Mark Foley, the Republican congressman who resigned over sexually graphic messages he sent to former House pages, Tony Snowjob told CNN's Soledad O'Brien: "It's not always pretty up there on Capitol Hill or right here in the fuckin’ West Wing, and there are a hundred different ways to fuck your fellowman up the pucker hole, as you know, that are more than simply naughty e-mails. I mean do I have to draw a fuckin’ picture for ya. These cocksuckers I flack for lied about a fuckin’ war in which nearly 700,000 people have died. They used the ignorance of the Great American Bald Lemming to put themselves in positions of power and loot the treasury. They’re corporate shills and make no effort to disguise it. Yet, you and your colleagues are gonna focus on one scout sniffer, one boy bender?!!!"

The Snow Man, spinning around the room, also told O'Brien: "You're trying to create problems for the problems my handlers created. What you are trying to do is pick my brain here. Well, good luck finding it. That ain’t gonna happen because whether it’s that cocksucker Murdoch, Rev. Moon or Dick Cheney, you fuckin’ leave your brain and integrity, if you ever had any to begin with, in your locker at the Y when you go to work for those shits. There’s a fuckin’ high omerta version of Let’s Make a Deal and Bob Barker ain’t the moderator. Hey, O’Brien. You ever noticed how game shows pander to greed, require selling out any principles your unfortunate enough to be burdened with, and rub up against the Faustian Bargain like a Republican Congressman at a page mixer. The Price Is Right, Wheel of Fortune, Colin Powell, The Maryland State Lottery, Family Feud, the Marine Recruiters Office, Greed, The Republican National Convention, Tic Tac Dough, Who Wants To be A M(B)(Tr)illionaire, Halliburton, Jackpot.

"Fuck. If I know I’m destined to spend an eternity as a dingleberry hanging from one of Satan’s ulcerous hemorrhoids what incentive do I have to stop being a lying shit."

There has never been a White House press secretary quite as schooled in lying as Snow. And motherfuck that is saying something. Remember Larry Speakes to which we answered “It Speakes.” Or Ron Ziegler. Or fuckin’ Dee Dee Myers the Queen of Liars. Not to mention his predecessors Ari ‘Easy Spread’ Fleischer and ‘Beam Me Up’ Scotty McClellan. Talk about a legacy. A legacy of shit besmeared lying, front men. Yipes. The Snowman is a combative presence on television and radio, relishes lying at daily briefings and, in a first for his position, has hit the fund stroking circuit for Republican candidates. Snow brings a flashy, Fox News insincerity to the high-profile podium, which means he is increasingly popping up on newscasts and under newspapers in the public conveyances.

"Sometimes it does feel like the Tony Snow Show. It’s chilling. This guy shovels shit while he stares you down and it’s just fuckin’ chilling if you’re a pussy like me," says Richard Wolffe, Newsweek's White House correspondent. "I like a good lie as well as the next press guy. It makes my job a lot easier. But there are tactics he uses that are straight out of talk radio that can only sell if education goes unfunded in all sectors for at least another generation or two. The extent to which he personalizes things or comes back with a meaningless one-liner, restores the insecurity of his handler’s base instantly. They love it when he takes us on because they don’t have to think."

“You mean some fucker is still funding education,” Snow roared in reply. “Can’t be. The Marines said they met their recruitment quotas for the quarter. That’s one of my jobs. To dumb it down and ship off the cattle for slaughter.”

In an interview in his West Wing office, Snow readily acknowledges that "naughty e-mails" did not capture the gravity of Foley's graphic exchanges with teenage boys but relative to the public dismemberments, thefts and wanton murders he has to sweep under the rug everyday pretty much put cocksucking 14 years olds in the proper perspective . "I shouldn't have used the words," the Snowman says. "I'm not going to defend having used the words." But, he says, "I did six interviews that morning and during that time 289 more people died in Iraq including 6 Americans while I defended a pack of lies. I mean you can see why yet another pedophile politician doesn’t rate to high on me flack-o-meter. I mean I have to cover up murder. That’s where I puttin’ most of my energy.”

The Snowman says his years as host of "Fox News Sunday," and especially as a radio host, were ideal preparation for the morning briefings, because you don’t have to "think on your feet" with callers and guests because both venues are highly screened. When facing reporters, he says, "if you can't handle the fawning when you give nonsensical answers, you're going to get killed. But then not everyone of those ambitious shits van ride on Air Force One." And, he says, "if you try to spin guys, they're going to see through it" in a classic spin and fawn, self-congratulatory, Godelian Second Theorem nipple rub.

Part of the Snowman's spin – those with K Street addresses deem it art -- is to openly pretend to proclaim what he is doing. Last week, for instance, after consulting with the office of House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.), Snow doggedly refused to field questions on what President Bush thought of Hastert's handling of the Foley boy fucking episode amidst the bloodbath that is U.S. policy.

"I will dodge it, and I will tell you exactly why I'm going to dodge it," Snow explained. "Because nothing arouses a visceral response among Americans like boy fucking. Certainly dismembered Marines and National Guard littering Baghdad like hot dog wrappers after the Cracker 500 doesn’t even come close to boy fuckin’. Boyfuckin’ is a question that requires knowledge of a lot of details that are not in my vocabulary, certainly not to me, at this point. But who knows. If we can spin boy fucking is some positive way, like the Athenian Greeks did it and convince the rank file that the Republicans are just as plutocratic and democratic as fuckin’ Socrates, you can bet your sweet ass the Snowman will be out here spinning it the way my betters tell me to."

In the five months since he succeeded the tight sphinctered Scott McClellan, Snow has put his verbal agility and gallows humor to good use, and the White House has clearly given him more rope. Struggling at the end of that rope on several fronts, from Iraq to domestic scandals to depressed poll numbers that have brought the majorities bullshit into very slight alignment with reality, the Snowman has put the Republican control of Congress at risk by denying such popular policies. “My biggest mistake has been forgetting the selfishness, venality, ignorance and murderous nature of the American public that Murdoch spent so much time drumming into my head."

The president has never been more in need of a slick salesman. Administration officials describe the Snowman as a major ass and “slick as a motherfucker” according to Karl Rove.

"He’s incapable of the truth at so many levels he may as well enjoy the combat," says Martha Raddatz, ABC's White House correspondent. "One of his devices is he stops and smiles at you baring a gold tooth that says “Mission Accomplished” in tiny Savimbi diamonds. The megawatt smile and eye contact are designed to leave the reporter smoldering, dreaming of special favors and a seat on Air Force One right next to the executive peel and tanning salon. But it hasn't worked as well for him lately, not since Helen Thomas knocked that fuckin’ bling out his mouf’ for lookin’ up her skirt. It's a pretty tightly wound administration, and that hasn't changed. And they ejaculate at the most unfortunate moments and Tony Snow is no exception. I mean, ejaculating at casualty reports. Come the fuck on."

CBS's Jim Axelrod recalls how Snow once issued a press release assailing a story Axelrod had done on Medicare recipient’s gullibility. "He basically sent out this report calling me a liar, and then showed up at the booth smiling, with a handshake, and we had a half-hour chat. . . . He plays the affability card. I don’t have any balls so I let him get away with it."

“ Hey. If seniors can’t fuckin’ catch on that we sucker punched ‘em with Medicare Part D, then fuck ‘em,” Snow offered. “ I see Mark McClellan plans to cut and run before the 'doughnut hole' shit hits the fan. And damn have you see the fuckin’ new prices on these life savin’ drugs and Medicare by law is not allowed to renegotiate price. O fuck. You gonna tell those old shits didn’t see that coming with all their life experience and what the fuck not. Now it’s like we got grandma strapped into her rocking chair with a twelve gauge at her head. Pay up grandma or fuckin’ die. The Snowman loves it.”

After the president's televised speech on the fifth anniversary of 9/11, Axelrod pressed Snow on why what was billed as a nonpolitical speech had become a vigorous defense of the Iraqi oil war. The Snowman shot back that if Bush hadn't discussed stealing Iraq’s oil, "he would have been seen as the derelict he so clearly is, and you guys would have been out here just clubbing me like a baby seal." Snow would not discuss which part of his anatomy resembled a baby seal or if the metaphor was designed to signify that the Cheney administration had done a 180 on the environment. When the baby seal clubbing lobby confronted the Snow Man with these inconsistencies, Snow replied “Wha. No. I in no way meant to imply that clubbing baby seals is bad. On the contrary I was hoping Axelrod would club my baby seal in the executive washroom.” Some viewers called Axelrod to say that he had been disrespectful for not clubbing the Snowman’s baby seal. Snow issued a statement that said if Mrs. Snow would ‘club his baby seal’ more often, then maybe he’d loosen up and not be so coked out and anxious to get a peek at Helen Thomas’s knickers.

The Snowman, says Axelrod, "has got a talk show host's knack of taking whatever question is asked and steering it into a two- or three-minute response that gives off the strong odor of the administration's policies. He's dealt with angry callers before seeking the truth, and maybe we're nothing more than angry callers to him. He should loosen up and realize we’re on his side. Like the administration, we have no stake in the truth."

Sometimes the exchanges get even more irrelevant. When NBC's David Gregory asked why Bush had not acknowledged more shortcomings in an assessment of the battle against terrorism, Snow accused him of expressing "the Democratic point of view." Gregory vigorously objected.

"Let's not let you get away with being rude cocksucking, commie pinko bastard" Snow said.

"Excuse me, don't point your finger at me unless you intend to pleasure me with it," Gregory said. "I'm not being rude, you fuckin’ administration whore."

"Yes, you are, you hypocritical piece of Fourth Estate shit," Snow insisted.

The Snow Man says he "felt relieved that nobody had the cajones to clock him" over his vociferous attempt to fend off even a pseudo-truth and later called Gregory, saying he could ask as many follow-up questions as he wanted if he let the Snow Man finger fuck his appendix scar. "I wanted to make sure we didn't have any more of those more intimate exchanges, because I’m already HIV from hanging around the virus that is Rupert Murdoch," Snow Job says. “Taking money from Murdoch is like waxing Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s back…(?)”

Sometimes Snow Job's freewheeling style produces a pratfall. In July, he inflamed the issue of stem cell research by saying that Bush believes the federal government should not "finance something that many people consider murder. He's one of them." Snow had to back off during the ensuing controversy, saying he had "overstated the president's position.”

Reporters cut Snow some slack during his shakedown period, when he would sometimes plead ignorance on various issues. "Tony's made some statements he regrets, and he gets a pass on some days because he's new," Raddatz says. "But I think that little honeymoon is over."

Like many a press secretary, Snow certainly has the legs for it and also must function as a cunt, parroting shit from Karl Rove from within the administration. When Bob Woodward's book, "State of Denial: An Un-medicated Schizophrenic’s Version Of History Judging From The Contradictory Horseshit In The First Two Volumes," charged that Bush, the courageous if semi-literate goober of the first two volumes, and his team were suddenly with the third volume, like Woodward himself, were not being honest about the mess in Iraq, the Snow Man spoke to Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice, national security adviser Stephen ‘Pencil Pushing Hard Ass’ Hadley and Henry ‘Christmas Bombing, But What The Fuck Do I Care About Christ’s Birthfuckin’day Anyway’ Kissinger, among others, which helped him concoct counter-lies to various points in the book. But it was his glib sound bite -- "The book is sort of like blow; it kind of melts on contact" -- that was widely picked up. “Of course it was. Consider the source,” Woodward’s editor countered. “But that doesn’t make the monkey’s ass his face,” he added without a wisp of irony.

Away from the cameras, journalists give Snow mixed grades for providing information ranging from an F to a G sharp. Having compartmentalized lies in advance, they say he often delegates detailed questions to his deputy, Dana ‘The Whipping Post’ Perino, and other assistants. The Snow Man says he can answer questions "to a certain depth before he begins to commit high crimes and misdemeanors" so it makes more sense for reporters to deal with staff members who specialize in the subjects and consider short jail terms and fines part and parcel to moving up the ladder. “You can’t show your Sunday best briefs if your on the lowest rung of the ladder,” quips the adorably glib Snow Man.

Others are awe struck by the Snow Man’s accessibility and utter lack of moral backbone. "I have e-mailed him at 6:30 in the morning on a weekend, and I have a lie within a half-hour," Axelrod says. “Sometimes half a dozen lies before I’ve had my third Paxil.”

Snow has pushed for the faux president to grant more interviews -- Bush spoke to every major network during the 9/11 anniversary -- and to continue to hold more news conferences than he did during the first term but the little cowpoke is just too stupid as the recent raft of gaffs, malaprops, bloopers, ignorance, mispronunciations and just plain over the top inanities have demonstrated. As for his own spate of television interviews, the Snow Man says the Whitey House staff thinks he can be helpful, but he is wary of accepting too many bookings lest his glibness run thin.

"You don't want to get overexposed. Somebody might catch on," he says.

The Snow Man initially hesitated to take the job, after enduring surgery and chemotherapy for colon cancer last year where the sin and evil had taken up residence. While the Snow Man begins each day with a 6:30 a.m. staff meeting like all these over achieving criminal types that populate DC, he says he has managed to take most weekends off and visit a family retreat on Maryland's Eastern Shore. He says he does not know whose family or retreat it is but they’ve been too frightened to ask him to leave. “We feel sorry for the Snow Man,” say owners Grant and Matilda Sowerbry who make armor for military Humvees out of marsh grass. “He’s pathetic.”

But any spokesman's schedule remains unpredictable. After news broke Sunday night that North Korea had tested a nuclear bomb, Snow held a 1:30 a.m. conference call with White House pool reporters to field questions on the incident. When asked if it was harder to keep your lies straight at 1:30 a.m. Snow answered, “Fuck no. That’s why we hold the press conference in the pool. It wakes you the fuck right up. Besides Murdoch had me programmed to self-destruct if I ever uttered a anything approaching the truth.”

Having held jobs ranging from the Moonie’s Washington Times editorial page editor to Fox weekend host to syndicated radio talker, Snow understands the throbbing rhythms of journalism. “My mouth is my tool and,” the Snow Man told the Assassinated Press . Having worked as a White House speechwriter for Bush's father, he knew something about the chicanery of government. But he felt that the press secretary's post offered the possibility for far greater lying than he had wielded as either a mid-level staffer or a talking head.

Snow's lying has produced a stack of invitations to appear at GOP fundraisers where lying is used as a reinforcement tool and bonding mechanism. No other press secretary has helped his or her party raise money, a tradition grounded in the notion that the person who is the public mouthpiece of an administration should not moonlight as a partisan hack. But Snow, after getting a green light from White House lawyers, has been hitting the road to raise cash.

"I'm not going out and calling out Democrats by name," Snow says. "These aren't red-meat speeches. I'm staying out of the bare-knuckle stuff. These are more like partisan lap dances. If it ends up compromising my ability to be press secretary, we'll so be it. Nobody with an ounce of brains believes the shit I spew anyway. If I was pounding on the podium and calling [Senate Minority Leader] Harry Reid nasty names, that wouldn’t be a problem but I blow so many people everyday it makes the pot/kettle shit look like antonyms."

Joe Lockhart, a press secretary in the Clinton White House, says he has no ethical objection to Snow raising money for the Republicans because “were all shits in this together and the enemy is the American public and the rest of the world that resists the efforts of our betters to steal everything fuckin’ thing they have. My objection is it "makes the stealing job harder by distracting the Snow Man from those main responsibilities.”

As for Snow bringing entertainment values to the briefing room, Lockhart says: "That may sound trivial, but it's not. It's hard to get your message out to reporters who aren't coming to your briefing and they aren’t going to come unless they’re being entertained because they’re ain’t shit else going down in that room but a shit load of lies that members of the Fourth Corporate Estate are told they have to treat as some version of the truth or look for employment elsewhere.”

"You've heard the phrase 'Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one.' Well, Tony's like a suppository. You direct it at the proper organ and then you make your own shit up," was Rupert Murdoch's only comment for this piece.