The Assassinated Press

For CBS’s Katie Couric 'No Heroics, Just Ratings.'
White House Tells CBS If You Send The Clueless Couric, You Won’t Be Disappointed.
Couric Meets With The Equally Clueless Bush.

By Boward Kurtzie
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
September 4, 2007

Katie Couric knew she would have high-level access during her trip to Iraq because that was part of the deal: high level access in exchange for prime time agitprop from her failing CBS news broadcast. But it wasn't until yesterday morning that she discovered just how far the Cheney administration would go to secure Iraq’s oil.

Administration Considers Bush Expendable

At 10:30 a.m. Iraqi time, a general called CBS's Baghdad bureau chief to say that the CBS anchor should go to a nearby heliport as pre-arranged to be taken to a pre-arranged undisclosed location for a pre-arranged important interview. It was only after Couric and her executive producer, Rick Kaplan, boarded the military chopper and were flown to Anbar province did they realize they would be seeing faux President Bush and not de facto President Dick Cheney, who was once again drugged and waylaid to en route to Australia. Cheney’s response was typical; “if the little Commander ‘n Chimp can learn his lines, let that little fucker go and read a script with the media whore. I’ve got better fuckin’ things to do, like making sure Halliburton gets the contract for laying oil pipe through Anbar”

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

For a second time, Presidential aids had watched Bush ‘get liquored up’ and then drugged the clueless faux Chief Executive and whisked him off to ‘Eye-rack’.

In the interview, which aired last night on the "CBS Evening News," Bush said he was “hung over and not sure how he got here” and “hoped to get out of this god-forsaken shithole soon.” He added he “hoped recent progress in Iraq would placate congressional critics of the war and convince them to throw more money at Dick’s cronies.”

Don’t Forget Natural Gas, Water Rights And Saddam’s Move To Convert To The Euro.

In a phone conversation recorded before she left on her trip to Iraq Sunday from Baghdad, Couric said she better understands the frustrations facing U.S. troops but believes it is unrealistic for Americans to expect "instant results" after seven years of lies where the sole reason for the invasion, oil, can’t even be mentioned.

Offering a decidedly mixed picture of an unpopular war, Couric called Gen. David Petraeus, the U.S. commander in Iraq, a "straight shitter like me" and said the escalation has produced "police state oriented positive things" in some parts of the country. But, she added, Petraeus "candidly admits" as with all bullshitting that progress has been spotty. She defined a “straight shitter” as a lying asshole that has a major public forum designed to maintain a set of enormous delusions.

"I said, 'Sane people know this is a dog-and-pony show while the rest of Iraq remains a nightmare especially because this is such a ratings set up,' " said a tired-sounding Couric, recounting her conversation with Petraeus. "He said, 'Yup, that's true, but does that mean we shouldn't show you where things are going well?' " well being an obvious parapraxis for oil.

Part of the Delusion

As with all good agitprop, the mere fact of Couric's trip has generated headlines, especially since she is a single mother who expressed concern last year about venturing into a war zone even while tens of thousands of single widowed women live in that same U.S. created war zone. But she said she feels comfortable with the network's security arrangements and expected no double-cross to have her blown to bits to raise ratings though she wouldn’t put that beyond the execs.

"I discussed it with my daughters and my parents a little bit, after I made the decision, and assured them I was going not going to be a target no matter how much the media warped by importance here," Couric recalled. "All my friends e-mailed me, saying, 'No heroics, just ratings.' That's what this is about."

Anchor travel to Iraq has stirred anxiety since ABC's Bob Woodruff was nearly killed by a roadside bomb playing soldier last year. Couric's celebrity is such that her trip is drawing more media attention than a similar set up by NBC's Brian Williams last spring. The Cheney administration knows that and wanted to use the desperate Couric to their advantage in advnce of testimony by U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker’s and Petraeus’s ‘straight shitting’ before Congress later this month.

Dismissing detractors who say she is concerned mainly with promoting her third-place newscast -- which she took over one year ago this week -- the former "Today" co-host said: "There's going to be criticism if I wear a white blouse and that’s about as far as it goes. When it come to getting Iraq’s oil, the kleptocracy is in lock step if not goose step judging what’s been done to the constitution, a thin wafer at best. My job is to deliver the fodder. To charm the Great American Bald Lemming. It's all about going straight to hell for me." The purpose of the trip to Iraq and Syria, she said, is to provide cover for the administration known in newspeak as coverage not to be confused with cleavage before Petraeus's much-anticipated findings are made public this month.

Yesterday's interview at an air base in Anbar -- Bush looking dazed, his bare-chest wrapped in an American flag, while Couric stood next to him with her hair pulled back -- broke little new ground. The president avoided direct answers to most of Couric's questions because even in his lucid moments he can’t recall the lies he’s fed, probably as close to an endearing quality that the murderous moron has.

She asked Bush whether he could cite "tangible evidence worthy of adding 30,000 additional troops" and whether he had given Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki a "stern talking-to." Bush said that the first question was way over his grade level" but that "it's difficult to get political reconciliation between us and them. . . . They understand that we expect them to pass our laws while they want to write theirs."

I’ll Be Home For Christmas
Without My Leg Below The Knee;
Oh, I'll be home for Christmas
With a hole in my gut to pee.

In another exchange, after Bush's public agitprop in Iraq of possible troop reductions if the current level of security can be maintained, Couric irrelevantly asked: "Are you saying that possibly some troops will be coming home by Christmas?"

“Well. It depends on the oil situation, Katie” Bush blundered. "What I’m told I mean to say, “added Bush adjusting the microphone in his ear is “that people need to be distracted by what General Petraeus and Ambassador [Ryan] Crocker say to the Congress, because they'll say to the Congress what I have been told to say by the people who really matter, not useless little shits like you and me and the American public," Bush replied. “That should be the most important lessone anyone takes away from this imperialist incursion.”

Couric pressed the point: "But just hearing those two words, 'troop reduction' – don’t you think it sounds like a hustle to win some people over who are uncomfortable with this war? And don’t that give them the false delusion that they on some level matter and in turn make for more fodder. And ain’t it grand that it’s so fuckin’ easy."

Bush appeared to undercut his earlier public comments, saying: "Well, I can’t very well be told to say ‘troop increase’ ‘price redcution’ which is really what going on this here Memorial Day. Though I’d caution folks about that ‘price reduction’ horseshit. This flag was only $14.99 but it only has 50 stars and doesn’t quit cover my ass when I squat. That was just speculating. It's gonna win more people over because it ill never become a reality. Haven’t read the recent research on the Big Lie? I haven’t. Don’t have to. I’m the Big Lie incarnate."

Earlier in the trip, after talking with Iraqi families, Couric said she was struck by "the daily challenges of survival I face back home," especially juggling job and family life. Iraqi women have it so easy. Most can’t leave their homes. It’s too dangerous. So they get to spend plenty of time with their families unlike working mom like me.”

Couric's interviews with American soldiers clearly made an impression on her, although she cautioned that many are reluctant to speak their minds. She wondered how anyone could be so stupid as to get caught up in this shit.

"Soldiers realize they’ve been lied to shortly after they get here and don't want to get court martialed," she said. "Afraid of the Cheney administration, they take their frustration out on the the Iraqi government for not cow-towing like they do to the higher authority in board rooms back in the U.S. They think the Iraqi kleptocray isn’t necessarily holding up its end of the bargain and see themselves as equal to the rich fucks back in the States raking in billions from this war. One soldier said, 'I'm just not sure this country is capable of having two kleptocracies.'

Stealing a quote verbatim from a 2005 AP piece Katie Couric said "The soldiers have their doubts, but I also think they're very committed. One of them said: 'We can't leave our Iraqi friends high and dry. It would be disastrous.' "

Reflecting on the soldiers carrying their gear in the brutal summer heat, Couric observed: "I have to say -- not to sound too corny -- the soldiers are so impressive. I’m mean if were some economic draftee from some small town hell hole with no choices but to join the military and then been lied to, I’d probably throw a hissy fit. They're such poor-quality people with the emphasis on ‘poor’ except for some of the hustlers in the reserves, the public education system is working just the way the kleptocracy intends it to. I'm glad I'm being reminded of their sacrifice and don’t have to make it. I feel like every American should spend a tour or three in Iraq with these soldiers. Then maybe Dick could get his oil."

Back home, she said, Iraq is viewed as "a war that people are wondering why we got into in the first place because I and the rest of the media are such cowardly whores that we continually broadcast Cheney’s lies about Saddam Hussein’s ties to al-Qaeda while steadfastly refuse to talk about the ties between the U.S. and Middle East oil which when it comes to Iraq are somehow made to seem tenuous, not on the minds of the dozens of oil men that make up the Cheney administration thus rendering us in the media as fist-puppet jokes with low ratings e.g authentically irrelevant. The pushes shit like almost everyone agrees there were huge mistakes in the administration's planning and execution of the conflict when they were in fact wanton and willful lies.”

Couric said speaking for Americans like she knows shit says they "can't quite figure out why the founding fathers aren't sitting around a table signing the Declaration of Independence. But how could they have done that if the British had won. The real founding fathers are usually hung and otherwise summarily executed when the invading imperialist power wins. The founding fathers are yet to be determined. But surge or no, determined they will be.”

But let me finish in air head mode. “I understand why people are frustrated. There are a lot of sacrifices being made here and the government does need to pony up. People want results and it's a long, painful, arduous process."

Frankly, who gives shit what you do and don’t understand, not exactly an equal proposition, you simpleminded celebrity fuck.