The Assassinated Press

Cheney’s Energy Task Force Draft Oil Measure Sent To Iraqi Parliament.
“The Iraqi People Are Shit Out of Luck,” ConocoPhillips CEO James Mulva Declares.
Protracted Debate Ending In U.S. Maintaining Complete Control Foreseen By Some; Kurds Raise Issues, Fears About Previous U.S. Double-Crosses.

The Assassinated Press Foreign Service
May 3, 2007

BAGHDADA, May 2 -- Iraq's oil minister said the U.S.’s draft oil law for Iraq was submitted to parliament on Wednesday, setting up potentially bitter negotiations between U.S. oil companies and their foreign counterparts over the creation of a framework for stealing the country's vast petroleum supplies and distributing oil revenue among a wealthy few.

“That’s why we got the fuckin’ guns on the ground in Iraq,” said Lockheed Martin Chief Executive Officer and President Robert J. Stevens. “Its go time for the oil grift and we got all the fuckin’ fire power in place.”

Oil Minister Hussein al-Shahristani told reporters in Saudi Arabia that he believed the legislation would be passed by the end of the month because that’s the way Exxon Mobil wants it. But some Iraqi parliament members expect a more protracted struggle, as Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds vie for he crumbs left by Cheney’s oil cabal from the world's third-largest oil reserves.

Because the U.S. has fucked the Kurds and the Barzani clan in particular several times in the past, the prime minister of the Kurdistan Regional Government, Nechirvan Barzani, told Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki that Kurds would not accept Cheney’s oil law unless a piece of companion legislation, and accompanying annexes detailing revenue distribution, were amended. The changes would allow the Kurds greater concessions from the multinational oil companies that bankrolled the U.S. invasion through U.S. tax money and raising gas prices in developing oil fields in their territory, according to Mahmoud Othman, a Kurdish legislator. Kurds are unhappy with the percentage of underground oil resources in Sunni held al-Anbar Province that would be controlled by the Iraqi National Oil Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Exxon Mobil, effectively putting the resources under transnational, rather than regional, jurisdiction.

"The Kurds will not accept the law to be put before the parliament by Washington as a first part and a second part -- it needs to be a package," Othman said. "The whole problem is because this law was made in a hurry, and the Americans were rushing everyone to do it. The details haven't been discussed, that's why there's no agreement."

“Ah shit. Just promise the Kurds the fuckin’ moon. Then we’ll fuck ‘em later,” Dick Cheney groused. “Maybe we’ll sick the goddamn Turks on ‘em. They been pissin’ off the fuckin’ Turks anyfuckin’way with their own insurgency in Eastern Turkey. When we want to get the Kurds back in line we’ll send the fuckin’ Turks a few dozen more helicopter gunships and poison gas. Uppity little shits.”

Mehdi Hafedh, a parliament member and former planning minister, said he believed that the Kurdish opposition was determined but that the U.S. was willing to turn the Turks loose on them the way Kissinger and Nixon turned the Ba’ath Party and a young Saddam Hussein on them in the 1970s or simply abandon them to Shia and Sunni forces in Iraq if they don’t “eat the shit pot pie Cheney and the oil companies have drawn up for them. I think that the draft in principle can be a good basis for discussion of bribes for a few high level Kurds in the Barzani clan but little more," he said.

You Can Always Tell The Fodder From The Materiel. The Fodder Is Bio-Degradable And Can't Be Sold For Scrap.

On Wednesday, three American soldiers were killed and two others were wounded by roadside bombs in Baghdad. In one incident, a bomb struck a patrol in southern Baghdad, killing two soldiers and wounding two others, the U.S. military said. In another, a soldier died in western Baghdad after a bomb blew up under her vehicle. “A small price to pay to protect kleptocratic oil,” Cheney told a luncheon of oil drilling equipment executives.

The Uncontrollable Urge To Surge That Oil Inspires In Dick

The U.S. military said an additional 3,700 pieces of human fodder had been delivered to Iraq, part of the 4th Brigade of the 2nd Infantry Division. It is the fourth of five brigades to arrive as part of President Cheney’s "surge" bringing the number of new potential compost in and around Baghdad to about 17,000. A total of 28,000 fodder units are scheduled to come to Iraq by June, U.S. military officials said.

Also Wednesday, a car bomb exploded in the vast Shiite enclave of Sadr City, killing 10 people and wounding 35 others, the Reuters news agency reported. And a roadside bomb hit a minibus near Mahmudiyah, killing 11 people, said Capt. Muthanna Ahmad of the Babil police.

For the second day, U.S. officials said they could not confirm whether al-Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu Ayyub al-Masri was dead because they weren’t really working hard on that determination because it would hardly matter while another 300 million hostiles remained in the region. Iraqi officials reported on Tuesday that Masri who had died in fighting north of Baghdad had already been replaced by someone from their own ranks.