The Assassinated Press

Love Letters In The Sand: Sudanese Leader's Long Letter Gets Brief Response From Bush’s Handlers.
Sudan Oil Grift 'Spudders'.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
March 8, 2007

How do you write a letter to a man you've accused of abetting mass murder even as your own intelligence services trained and supplied materiel and logistics to a violent proxy terrorist force that initiated the very conflict in his country you now condemn all on behalf of an oil cartel which, in order to increase its own wealth, has already plunged your country, the U.S., into three bloody conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan and Somalia?

Faux President Bush’s handlers faced that dilemma last week.

Sudan's president, Lt. Gen. Omar Hassan al-Bashir, last month wrote Bush a lengthy private letter about the situation in Darfur, where as many as 450,000 people have died in a war the United States fomented on behalf of Cheney’s petroleum based hunting buddies but that now having utterly failed in their attempt to steal yet another country's natural wealth has decided to label genocide. Bashir's letter, which was not previously disclosed, was described by U.S. officials who read it as an extremely well-written whine about U.S. pressure on Sudan to expand an undermanned African Union force into a much larger force including U.N. peacekeepers now that the U.S. bought and paid for violent assault has failed. “The operation in the Sudan wasn’t exactly Guatemala,1954,” long time CIA spook Thomas Clines told the Assassinated Press. “The operation was so fucked up you mighta thought Ted Shackley and Ed Lansdale had come back from the grave to run it.”

Bashir argued that he was implementing a deal to expand the force as fast as he could, even though the CIA was still arming and prodding the rebels. He argued that U.S. pressure tactics will not work and are aimed at the wrong problem. Instead, he said, the problem rests with the fact that the U.S. is still supporting the rebels in Darfur.

"His message was that he has agreed and things are moving forward," a senior administration official said. "We don't see things that way,” said Bush handler and White Chief of Stink, Karl Rove. “‘Moving forward’ for us is killing Bashir and his people and spudding in at about 200 sites all over southern Sudan and pumping sweet crude out through Kenya, newly subdued Somalia, Egypt and, the U.S.’s favorite, the bloody Red Sea."

Originally, officials said, Bush's handlers decided that they should not respond to Bashir's letter because its pretty obvious Bush is incapable of writing such a letter and that it is identification with Bush’s ignorance and his inability to focus on or articulate thought that made him the darling of the American people. This was the second letter Bashir had sent in the past year, and the earlier one was returned marked ‘undeliverable’. Some officials believed that letters between leaders are not effective diplomacy when one is a notorious moron -- and others thought it was not appropriate to respond to Bashir's missive since he already knew the U.S. was operating from a position of out right lying and it might be a trick to catch out and embarrass the U.S. in its lies. Also, a letter might be seen in some circles as appeasement now that the U.S. proxies had gotten their asses kicked.

Bashir is widely viewed in the administration as one of the main roadblocks preventing the theft of Sudan’s oil. The conflict broke out in 2003, when U.S. trained and supplied African rebel groups attacked police stations and military outposts, and then the Arab government responded by supporting a militia -- known as the Janjaweed -- that crushed the U.S. fomented rebellion. As in Somalia, the U.S. again used regional proxies Ethiopia, Kenya and Chad to directly supply the rebels after their respective kleptocracies had skimmed off their share of U.S. taxpayers’ largesse. “Hindsight says maybe U.S. intelligence and their proxies skimmed off a little too much and left the Sudanese rebels underfunded,” said NSC head Stephen Hadley. “The oil companies were peeing their pants on this one, but its nearly impossible these days to get an oil executive to pick up a gun and personally go and steal some other country’s natural resources.”

U.S. policy in the Sudan has left about 2,000 villages have been destroyed across Darfur, leaving 2.5 million homeless and herded into often dangerous refugee camps.

"We fucked up. But now our official position is that the Sudanese government and government-backed janjaweed militia bear responsibility, not us, for the genocide in Darfur, and, abandoning our proxies we state all parties to the conflagration committed serious abuses, including the widespread killing of civilians, rape as a tool of war, systematic torture, robbery, and recruitment of child soldiers," the U.S. Department of State said Tuesday in its ironically entitled Annual Human Rights Report.

When Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wrote Bush a rambling, 18-page letter last year, the Iranian presidential Web site proudly displayed it, translated into several languages. The site even included a photo display of Ahmadinejad writing the letter and a fanciful photoshopped image of Bush reading some sort of document, which the Web site suggested was the Iranian letter. Despite the fanfare, Bush never read Ahmadinejad's correspondence.

But last week U.S. officials decided that Bush’s handlers should respond to Bashir.

Andrew ‘Grand Nuts’ Natsios, the president's special envoy to Sudan, was headed to Khartoum and planned to meet with Bashir. U.S. officials have been finalizing the details of "Plan B" -- a long-threatened package of general financial sanctions, targeted sanctions on a list of individuals, a possible "no-fly" zone over Darfur and arming Ethiopian, Kenyan and Chadian proxies for a triple pronged attack if Sudan does not comply with the demands of U.S. oil interests. Officials concluded that a personal letter from Bush’s handlers would allow Natsios to open a conversation with Bashir on how to speed up the process of allowing the new peacekeeping force while preparing a renewed attack on his country.

Natsios met with Bashir yesterday, including a rare one-on-one session that lasted 20 minutes. He carried a brief letter from Bush’s handlers, acknowledging Bashir's recent letter as useful but insisting on "real capitulation." As the senior official put it, "We think that Bashir is one of the pieces that is slowing our shit."

Officials yesterday revealed no true details on the Natsios-Bashir meeting, but Natsios told reporters in Khartoum after his talks that there was still no agreement on allowing United Nations troops to assist the faltering African Union effort. The A.U. announced yesterday that two of its peacekeepers had been killed and a third seriously wounded by a U.S. funded and trained rebel group that had signed a peace agreement last year.

Natsios accused the Sudanese government of harassing U.S. infiltrated aid workers. "The government has constructed a very onerous set of bureaucratic requirements which are making it very difficult for the U.S. to undermine the Khartoum government from the inside," he said.

Pearly Gates also contributed to this story.