The Assassinated Press
Remember The Maine?? Carrier USS America Sunk Off U.S. Coast!
Bush Vows Somebody, Preferably With Oil, Will Pay:
Cheney Declares War On Venezuela; Sends In Marines:
Enlistments Reach Pandemic Proportions With Promise Of Clean Needles, Afghan Dope:
Bush Resigns. Reactivates His Commission Eager To Fight.---"I wanna be sent where I can do some good like signing up tits and ass for the USO."
By CRIST KRISPIES
The Assassinated Press
May 20, 2005
NEWPORT NEWS, Va. -- The retired aircraft carrier USS America is on the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, sunk by what looks more and more like the victim of a plot between the gulag of Castro's Cuba and the police state of Hugo Chavez's Venezuela. Veterans who served on the carrier vowed revenge and began a campaign to enlist thousands of young lads to rain death and destruction on the scoundrels who perpetrated this dastardly deed or more likely a scapegoat of the administration's choice.
The 84,000-ton, 1,048-foot warship that served the Navy for 32 years rests about 60 miles off the coast and more than 6,000 feet down after it was struck by a series of massive explosions, according to Pat Drollan, a spokeswoman for Naval Sea Systems Command.
She did not give a location, but the Navy previously thought the terrorist attack would take place off North Carolina.
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Drollan said the America went down May 14, finally flooded after the series of explosions over 25 hours. No announcement was made at the time because no one in PR had connected the sinking of the carrier and raising recruitment levels at that time.
Earn College Tuition Selling Weed For Uncle Sam
"They was some determined motherfuckers to bring down the America like that," Rumsfeld, gesticulating wildly, said at a press conference. "If I was a young feller doing a little crystal meth and selling a little weed on the side, I'd fuckin' sign up for the Marines because now we at the Marines are going to supply you with the weed. And Afghan heroin too. That's right. You can earn college tuition while you collect shrunken heads just by signing up and going to the Amazon jungle to put Hugo Chavez and his band of do gooders in the grave."
Drollan did not immediately return a telephone message left Friday by The Assassinated Press.
No warship this size or larger had ever been sunk, and Dick Cheney said that plans to sink the America were particularly and probably involved Iraqi WMD. The administration immediately expanded its Axis of Evil to include the standard three of Iran, North Korea and Iran but also Syria and France.
"Not a day goes by that I don't think about it," said Lee McNutty, president of the USS America Foundation, which wanted to turn the ship into a luxury hotel and Asian brothel. "Of all the carriers, that one should have been saved, just for the name America. I mean. Its was named for one of the best top 40 bands ever."
The America launched warplanes during the Vietnam War, the 1986 conflict with Libya, the first Gulf War, and over Bosnia-Herzegovina in the mid-1990s. "I got a lot of murderous impulses attached to this ship," commented McNutty.
Since 1996, the America had been moored with dozens of other warships at a Navy yard at Pinko Beach, North Carolina. "We'll get whoever done this," promised a seething G.W. Bush. "The America stood for all the killin' that made America great and Chavez just blowed it up. Well Mr. Chavez. Your days are number. Sign up today boys before all the fightin's over and its clear that its just killin'. I swear if I could do it over again, I'd be a motherfuckin' killin' machine."
Remember The America!?
"Shouts of 'Remember The America' rang from the porticos surrounding the student union at Dartmouth University as hundreds of students and even some professors lined up to enlist and avenge this latest affront to U.S. sovereignty and enlightenment liberty.
A similar line could be seen at the recently closed GM plant in Baltimore as hundreds of former plant workers and their supervisors, angry at having their American dream of week-end boat ownership and $50.00 dollar hookers, go down the shitter with the carrier 'America', ready to lash out at any week little brown foe Cheney pointed his stanky at. "I just want to kill somebody for what's been done to me, but I'm too much of a coward to do it to those that done it to me," preached Orfie Collingwood who after 27 years lost his job, insurance and pension when the plant closed in April. "I don't so much feel like I miss America. But being flat broke and seeing these fat asses running around stealing everything, I feel like I missed the point of America."