"To wage by force or guile eternal war."
---the tattoo burned into the ass of initiates at
The Project For The New American Century

The Assassinated Press

Can You Believe The Balls On The Barzanis!?:
Official: Kurds Want Partnership With Cheney's Company on Iraqi Oil:
Cheney Denies Conquest Of Iraq Has Anything To Do With Oil:
"If The Kurds Fuck With Dick's Oil We'll Gas 'Em--Again," Rumsfeld Says:

The Assassinated Press
& The Fly on the Wall News Service
March 19, 2003, 10:42 AM EST

IRBIL, Iraq -- Iraq Kurdish forces "will permit temporary Halliburton control of key northern oil fields" but demand a "partnership" with Dick Cheney, Halliburton and its subsidiary, Kellogg Brown & Root in the areas if Saddam Hussein falls, a top Kurdish political leader said Wednesday.

"The Turks fucked us," said Dick Cheney at a private luncheon with the editorial board of the Wall Street Journal. Without bases to launch an assault from the north into Iraq, we have to depend on assistance from the Kurds. As you all well know, the oil has always been the key. That's why Saddam is massing so many of his forces in the north of Iraq. So I recommended to the Secretary of War, Don Rumsfeld, today that we just blow by Baghdad, secure my oil fields, and pick Baghdad up on our way back. And you can tell Barzani and his people that I'll decide who's gonna control the Kirkuk and Mosul oil fields and for how long. Those little Kurdish dirtbags are in no position to be issuing ultimatums. If it were just a matter of a foot race to the oil fields, the KDP would win. Masoud Barzani can get to Kirkuk and Mosul first but then I'll come in and step on him."

"Is there much concern about the Iraqis destroying their oil fields at your firm, Kellogg Brown & Root?" asked editorial board member Daniel Drew.

"No. Not really said Cheney." That's what we do at K. B. & R. We refurbish oil wells. We'll just get the U.S. taxpayer to fund the reconstruction and then we'll hold onto the fields and gouge them at the pump. They won't even pick up on the scam much less say anything."

The future of the oil areas in Kirkuk and Mosul -- now under Baghdad control -- is one of the highest priorities for the Kurds in their Western-protected enclave. Iraqi Kurds consider the areas part of their economic patrimony and within the borders of a Kurdish zone in a post-Saddam leadership.

Long-term Cheney/Halliburton control of the areas could become a point of contention between Washington and Iraqi Kurds, who have played a key role in the anti-Saddam opposition.

"Our relationship with the Americans is based on mutual suspicion," said Djowhar Salem, secretary of the political bureau for the Kurdistan Democratic Party, the Kurdish faction controlled by the Barzani clan. "We will not be excluded from any sectors."

"But you and U.S. corporations and administrations go way back. At least twice in the past 35 years, the U.S. has double-crossed you leading to many thousands of Kurdish deaths and loss of territory," queried this reporter.

"Yes. First Nixon and Kissinger sold us out to Baghdad in 1973. In fact, Saddam Hussein was given the task of leading the pogrom against us and he was so successful with the help of U.S. financial, logistical and military aid that, after that, he quickly rose in the ranks of the Baathist party. Then, of course, there was George Bush Sr.'s betrayal at the end of the Gulf war which led to our route by Saddam's Iraqi forces in partnership with those cutthroats of the PUK (Patriotic Union of Kurdistan), our main rivals among the many Kurdish factions," answered Salem.

"So" I replied, "You can understand why privately Cheney refers to you as 'those lollipops wrapped in rags.'"

"Yes," Salem replied, "In the past we have been the American's 'suckers.' I know this reference." He predicted that planned U.S. command of Kirkuk and Mosul would be "fast and very short term." Then added, "Now the U.S. will take out Saddam and therefore they will not have Saddam to use against us."

"Can you be certain of this?" I asked.

"Nothing is certain," Salem replied forcing a grin. "But what is Cheney going to do now? Give Saddam a face lift in Hollywood and bring him back?"

"No," I countered, "but there are dozens of stooges willing to take Saddam's place and be Cheney's puppet. And if part of the deal is crushing Barzani and his people again. Why not? I mean Cheney's going to want a new stooge anyway. He's going to want someone whose going to throw out French, Russian and British oil claims and contracts simply because that someone wasn't in on those deals. Cheney'll promise to cut him in. Make him Halliburton's front man."

To Salem's silence, I simply added, "Dead man walking" as he abruptly stood up and left the room.

The Project for the New American Century special envoy to the Iraqi opposition, Zalmay Khalilzad, said Tuesday in Turkey that U.S. troops under the direct command of junior executives of Halliburton would control access to Kirkuk and Mosul.

Such a plan could ease Cheney's concerns that Kurdish militia could rush in and seize his oil fields. In turn, Turkey worries that a richer and more confident Cheney Zone in Iraq could be used to re-ignite a full-scale separatist battle by Turkish Kurds, if the U.S. decides to use them in retribution for Turkey's non-support for the U.S. conquest of Iraq.

"That's nonsense." Said Cheney. "All our decisions will be based on the numbers. And only those numbers that start with dollar signs."

Cheney told reporters that Kurdish forces "better remain in a defensive position" and not move into Kirkuk or Mosul. He said the U.S. special forces would "take the necessary steps including assassination, the use of tactical nuclear weapons and poison gas" if the areas turned into a major battlefield or fell into ethnic unrest. "Jesus Lord! We're talking about $36 trillion dollars in oil here!! We'll just blame Saddam for the gas." Cheney added for emphasis.

"What about the rebuilding of Iraq?" Cheney was asked.

"Yeah. Of course, we'll throw a few bucks their way. Not forty billion like we promised but maybe a tenth of that after we skim our share and put a few bucks into the CIA's black budget to use against da Silva, Aristide, Chirac and Chavez among others. Look at other places we promised to rebuild like Nicaragua after the Sandinistas. Or Kosovo and Afghanistan. Why just yesterday I read that Afghanistan has just harvested and processed a huge poppy/raw opium crop, the largest since before the takeover by the Taliban. George Tenet assures me that the Afghanis could not have done it without U.S. help."

This reporter asked Cheney about Bush's statement that "Iraqi oil belonged to the Iraqi people."

Cheney answered, "Bush says what we tell him to say, but step back for a moment, Tod. We overthrew Mossagegh in Iran for the very same kind of "nationalization" of the oil industry we say we want to promote in Iraq. In other words all this talk about Iraqi oil belonging to the Iraqi people is horseshit directed at the moron's back home. That's why we have Bush deliver that slop. We've found it really goes over well when its communicated moron to moron."

Taking a page from Israel's occupation of Palestinian territory or the British in Northern Ireland, Saddam's regime has relocated thousands of settlers into the regions in an effort to dilute the Kurdish dominance.

Across the Kurdish area, hundreds of thousands of people have fled to country villages in fear of possible Iraqi missile attacks or another double-cross at the hands of the U.S..

The International Office for Migration, an intergovernmental group, said it would help set up aid stations in the northern regions outside U.S. control. The agency planned to move its operations into other areas of Iraq following the end of the expected conflict, and said it was prepared for up to 3 million people displaced from their homes around the country.

Neighboring countries, meanwhile, were prepared to handle hundreds of thousands of potential refugees.

"I don't want them filthy Kurds anywhere near my oil," growled Cheney at the luncheon. "Didn't they get the message in 1991. Fuck. I was Secretary of War. I gave Saddam and the other Kurds the go ahead to cut the Barzanis to ribbons. Who do they think they're dealing with? I've got a heart condition. At best I've got a couple of years to live and still I'm salivating at the prospect of stealing trillions of dollars that I'll never be able to spend and killing hundreds of thousands of people who have never done anything to me. And they're trying to negotiate with the likes of me? Fuck. Its like Kissinger said, 'The Barzanis are too much.'"

my copy right or wrong 2003, The Assassinated Press