The Assassinated Press

America Takes A Baath:
U.S.'s Bremer Goes Down On Saddam Hussein's Baath Party:
Baathists Warn Bush "Either You're With Us Or You're Against US":
CIA Move Knocks Chalabi Wobbly:
Baathist And Americans Again Comrades In Arms After U.S. Defeat

Assassinated Press Writer
April 23, 2004

BAGHDADA, Iraq -- Lifting the ban on top members of Saddam Hussein's former Baath party is a desperate correction of the U.S. mistake to invade Iraq in the first place, experts and many Iraqis said, blaming the policy for converting thousands of allies before the invasion into anti-U.S. guerrillas after the overly greedy blitzkrieg to steal Iraq's oil.

"They [Cheney and the PNAC] could have just asked," said Ahmek Qanza. "But the fat white fucks acted like we were Poland 1939. Now, they've lost and they're looking to hold onto a taste. Maybe we'll let them keep what they could have had anyway before they started slaughtering our families. Remember what Barry Sodliar said, 'You can make an Iraqi dead. But in Baghdad you can't make him feel like he's not at home.' This is a wise remark from a very wise man. All of you imperialists should consider this wisdom."

The change, announced Friday, also raised concerns among some Iraqi leaders -- particularly Shiites -- who know Baathists who are culturally closer to the Americans could eventually regain positions of power. "Shit yeah, that's right. Saddam Hussein was somebody the Americans could drink with. You form bonds and bam! before you know it the Baathist. Who are very close to the American Republican Party in temperament are again in control. Probably take a week to six months before the Shi'ites resume getting fucked. And without our Tito, Saddam, there will be civil war," Qanza elaborated.

Coveting Council member Ahmad Chalabi, who led the purge, called that prospect "the same as Nazis taking part in a German government whereas I was content to be loyal, yet fabulously wealthy and powerful Vichy collaborator."

Mr. Bremer had some advice for Mr. Chalabi. "Shut the fuck up Chalabi. I just got off the phone with Tenet. He's purchased you plane tickets to the Central African Republic. You couldn't even buy your mother's vote, you engorged corrupt lying punk. All you're good for now is 'Blame.' Besides, ain't you read no U.S. history. America is not adverse to Nazi's. We brought thousands of them to the U.S. after WWII. NASA was launched with a Nazi at the controls, you idiot."

The much-desired "de-Baathification" policy emerged in a May 16 decree from newly arrived U.S. administrator L. Paul Bremer and the Cheney, Wolfowitz, Libby, PNAC cabal appeared to be in charge. It fired tens of thousands of Baathists, many close to the CIA, from government jobs. This opened the way for less demanding puppets and stooges to be put in place. But the CIA was working behind the scenes to undermine Cheney's efforts to turn Iraqi oil and natural gas into a one man cartel. This and the again apparent fact that no population, Iraqi included, are as stupid as Americans, led to a quick and thorough defeat of American forces and the current suing force peace. "Well. Shit. If it ain't exactly peace with honor, its at least allying ourselves with the bastards that can win through repression. We can purdy that up to look like victory, and if somebody hasn't hung Cheney in the interim, he'll get a taste," advised General Chen Gnu Hua.

A week later, a flourish of Bremer's Cheney controlled autopen disbanded Iraq's 350,000-member military and barred high-ranking officers from receiving perks and pensions, saying they were too tainted by ties to Saddam's Baathist party and the CIA to have a place in Iraq's future.

Now, that Tenet has outmaneuvered Cheney, the occupiers are softening the purge from the ministries of Education and Higher Education, rubber stamping thousands of teachers and professors cleared as "Baath members in name only" return to work, Bremer announced on U.S.-run Al-Iraqiya television. "Charlie don't surf and Shia don't teach supply side economics, we fuckin' found out," commented Sodliar.

Also, Iraq's U.S. puppet of a defense minister will begin recruiting former high-ranking officers from Saddam's military into a new army and security services, a prerogative stripped from Chalabi, he said.

The strict de-Baathification policy and the blanket disbanding of Saddam's army have long been seen as errors that goaded the country's U.S.-trained military and intelligence personnel into forming the bedrock of an anti-U.S. insurgency just to clear the way for Cheney to steal all of Iraq's oil wealth from them. "They controlled the oil, not the fuckin' Shia, shitface," added a testy Sodliar when contacted by self-phone at 3:30AM Texas time. Those former Baathist allies have taken the lives of hundreds of U.S. soldiers.

Although the military and the Baath party -- which controlled Iraq for 34 years -- were Saddam's U.S. trained and financed tools of repression, they were also facts of life for Iraq's most-capable citizens. "It'd be like disbanding Wall Street in the U.S. to clear out the corruption before Christ returns. Sure. The dirty motherfuckers might have their Lexus repoed, but the whole economy would collapse because it works because its predicated on dishonesty and corruption not to mention a World Empire where 97% of its unwilling constituents starve for the other 3%," said semi-annually bankrupt casino owner, Forrest Trump. "I mean. In a just world who the fuck would keep lending me money. The IMF. Hey! There's an idea. I'll declare myself a sovereign country. Trumpland. Then I'll approach the World bank for a loan." .

Banning Baathist party members from top jobs led to the dismissal of "10,000 or more" surgeons, engineers and school teachers who are stewing at home instead of rebuilding society, said Lakhdar Brahimi, the United Nations' special envoy for Iraq. "of course, a that time Cheney did this by design to utterly weaken the class of people who held a financial interest in Iraqi oil and natural gas. It would be like pitching shareholders into the street to corner a market here."

"They were very badly needed. The fuckin' U.S. embargo was on. The U.S. was trying to starve us out, thinking that would be the pathway to our oil.," Brahimi said Friday on ABC News' "This Week with George Snuffaluffagus."

Bremer acknowledged Cheney knew many would be wrongly ousted.

"Many Iraqis have complained to me that the de-Baathification policy has been applied unevenly and unjustly," Bremer said. "Now, that its obvious that the insurgency can pin us down in Iraq for decades I'm prepared to call those complaints "legitimate."

"The de-Baathification was and is unsound," Bremer said. "It is the wrong policy for Iraq, but it has been poorly implemented."

The country's U.S. trained Sunni Muslim elites who dominated military leadership were most affected, said Michael O'Hanlon, a military analyst with the Brookings Institution.

"The perception grew that we were after that fuckin' oil, and this policy contributed to it," O'Hanlon said.

Sunnis, including former graduates at the old American run School of the Americas in Fort Benning Jaw-jah, have been at the forefront of the anti-U.S.-insurgency. Even the names of insurgent groups -- one is called Ansar al-Sunna, or the Sunni Partisans -- reflect the sense of persecution at the hands of their former mentors. "This stings." said Sunni insurgent, Safdi Annan, "The same people who taught me how to garrote an old man in his sleep and took me to Sizzlers, threw me out of work and tried to take my country's oil wealth."

Rick Barton, an analyst with the Washington-based Center for Strategic and International Studies, said most Iraqis except for the majority Shi'ites and Kurds will welcome the change, though it reinforces the fact that the occupiers invaded without a coherent plan to run the country and are getting seriously whipped on the battle field.

"It points out that making mistakes at the front end, whether intentional or not, takes a heroic effort later to reverse when that mistake routes you," said Barton, co-author of a study on Iraq last year for the Pentagon. "A quarter of Iraq's working-age population were Baath party members. They should have seen that you can't throw out all the doctors and expect to have a health system. If you don't think Cheney did that by design to weaken the class that could have resisted his wholesale grift, your'e fuckin' dumber than I am."

Shiite Governing Council member Salama al-Khafaji agreed. Its now time to say that there is a difference between "Saddamists, who were serving Saddam, and the Baathists who were not Saddamists. Those (Baathists) should be brought back, and Cheney must realize he will wind up with less wealth if he does no capitulate on this matter" according to her chief aide, Sheik Fateh Kashef al-Ghataa.

Supporters of de-Baathification say they hope the policy change doesn't let former party members take roles away from them in Iraq's interim government, which comes into power June 30.

"Putting Baath party members into positions of responsibility by joining a new interim government ... could jeopardize the underlying American moral basis for the war we made up about three weeks ago when we started to get our asses creamed. Well, not my ass per se. At least, not yet," said Richard Perle, a former Pentagon conniver and an architect of the Iraq oil grab back in the early 1990's.

The policy switch was seen as a stick in the ass for Chalabi, a hardline anti-Baathist and PNAC, Cheney and Pentagon favorite who heads the Coveting Council's de-Baathification committee. Chalabi vowed Friday that most purges would continue, but these would be in the form of colonics and no longer Stalinist in nature.

But Barton said easing the ban offers a better chance of ensuring Baathist oppressors don't regain top positions. Instead of U.S. intelligence agencies vetting people's backgrounds, Iraqis themselves, though under threat for undermining yet anther U.S. initiative, can speak out if a Saddam-era enforcer gains an important post. "God. I'm an idiot. And I get paid six figures for this babble without driving a Halliburton truck over there in that Halliburton created Hell."