The Assassinated Press

Faux President Bush Urges Quick Passage of Panty Sniffing Bill.
Obama Considered Prime Target of Wire Taps. Hoyer, Obama, Other Key Democrats Already Blackmailed Into Voting for Measure.
41 CEOs of Outsourced Intelligence Programs Request Soiled Pairs of Scarlett Johansson’s Panties for National Security Reasons.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
June 20, 2008

Monkey Puppet and Faux President Bush today creamed his jeans over Congress’s far reaching agreement on panty sniffing legislation that could shield telecommunications companies from privacy lawsuits and urged quick passage of the bill so he could “heft the banana hammocks of some cub scouts due to meet the commander in chief at the White House Saturday for a sleep over. Bush again reiterated his firm religious conviction that panty sniffing is utterly vital to national security interests and to help thwart new terrorist attacks.

In a brief statement in the White House Rose Garden, Bush also hailed House passage yesterday of two bipartisan bills -- one that throws more money at Iraq and Afghanistan into 2009 and another that would allow veterans of those wars to received increased education benefits a part of the legislation he opposed.

Bomb Makers Make the Best Panty Sniffers

“It’s vital that the Congress legalize panty sniffing with so much of a fuss being made about internet pediphelia. This law will protect all those brave men and women at CACI, SAIS, GOOGLE, BOOZ ALLEN, NORTHRUP GRUMMAN, LOCKHEED MARTIN et al who put their olfactory sense on the line everyday in the service of their country,” Bush said.

Bush said he was informed by his director of national intelligence and attorney general in the language of the simple folk who are certain their panties are not worthy of sniffing that the proposed surveillance legislation "is a good bill" that would help the kleptocracy learn who might have the audacity to challenge corporate America. He said it ensures that telecommunications companies will be "protected from liability for past or future law breaking" with the federal government.

“I mean what the fuck,” Lockheed Martin CEO Robert J. Stevens told the Assassinated Press. “All U.S. intelligence is outsourced to international corporations now anyfuckingway. So if we’re going to sniff some little girly’s panties and take a couple of mill from Wall Street to fuck over a former NY prosecutor turned governor… Well, shit, you might see where we’d like a little legal cover. Fuck my neighbor beats me at golf so that shithead is my next target. You think I’m cocky? Damn right I’m cocky. I’m a fucking rich arms dealer who just got his number one fetish legalized by blackmailing a few cocksucking Democrats using the very illegal surveillance I just fucked them into legalizing.”

The war-funding legislation, Bush said, "gives international corporations the funds they need to steal without trying the patience of our commanders in the field as our troops continue to be fucked or imposing artificial timetables for withdrawal of their help until we fill the trough again."

After receiving compromising photographs via email and snail mail showing many lawmakers in acts of fellatio with farm animals and cub scouts, House and Senate leaders agreed yesterday on the panty sniffing legislation, handing Bush one of the last major legislative victories he is likely to achieve. Many members appeared for the vote wearing various under apparel over their heads to show solidarity with the spirit of the bill.

The agreement extends the government's ability to eavesdrop on anyone who gets in big business’s way especially now that big business is the intelligence community effectively providing a legal escape hatch for AT&T, Verizon Communications and other telecom firms for crimes such as accessing kiddie porn and buying Semtex, C-4 and other explosives as well as guns, tanks and recon drones for the secret corporate wars now being waged in Sudan, Somalia, Yemen, Iran and elsewhere.

Mission Accomplished? Heaven Forbid the Mission Should Ever Be Accomplished.

“After all, we make the weapons. Why not make the wars too—and have immunity from prosecution,” said Stevens. “Panty sniffing goes a long way to making up lies that can be used to goad the Great American Blind Lemming into throwing his tax money at a war.”

“Companies like mine now face more than 40 lawsuits that allege they violated customers' privacy rights by helping the government conduct a warrantless spying program after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. But soon those suits will be tossed out and the assholes who brought them and their families will be harassed until they feel like killing themselves,” Stevens added.

The breakthrough on the legislation came hours after the Democrats agreed with the White House that panty sniffing was the way to go as long as the photographs and video tapes the private intelligence community had on them were not made public. Taken together, the bills -- two of the last major pieces of legislation to be approved by Congress this year -- suggest that Cheney’s extortion ring still wields considerable clout on national security issues but until the next round of extortion must acquiesce to Democratic demands on favored domestic priorities to secure victory.

The war spending bill, for example, includes $162 billion for the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan and an additional $95 billion worth of domestic spending on programs such as unemployment insurance and higher-education benefits for veterans. Cheney who told Bush that he would threaten for months to veto the legislation, said he will now tell Bush to sign it because during those intervening months Halliburton has won no bid contracts on all $95 billion in aid on top of its share from the Iraq/Afghanistan trough.

Leading Democrats acknowledged that the surveillance legislation is not their preferred approach, but they said their refusal in February to pass a version supported by the Bush administration paved the way for privatized intelligence corporations to gather shit on them and jeopardize their careers. The Democrats said their earlier resistance led to administration victories on other legislation, such as the war funding bill, but none of the motherfuckers could explain why.

But that didn’t stop House Speaker Nancy Pelosi from trying. "When they saw that we were unified in sending that bill rather than falling for their scare tactics, I think it sent them a message," said Pelosi D-Calif.). "So our leverage was increased because of our Democratic unity in both cases." WHA!?

Under the surveillance agreement, which is expected to be approved today by the House and next week by the Senate, telecoms could have privacy lawsuits thrown out if they show a federal judge that they received written assurance from the Cheney administration that the spying was against someone threatening the business interests of the kleptocracy.

“De facto, we’re at least dealing with mental defectives. The U.S. is the greatest country ever to inhabit the planet. What kind of fool would want to muck with perfection?” said Guardian of the Ding an His Hand Sean Hannity.

Kinkos Gets No Bid Contract to Make Rubber Stamps

The legislation also would require the courts to rubber stamp approval of procedures for intercepting telephone calls and e-mails that pass through U.S.-based servers -- another step that the White House and GOP lawmakers previously resisted though only two requests out of thousands have been denied under the old statutes.

"It is the result of extortion, and like any extortion it is not perfect, but I believe it strikes a sound balance unless of course Cheney and the private intelligence industry plans to fuck me anyway," said House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer (Md.), the lead Democratic negotiator in talks between lawmakers and the White House.

The deal appears to give Cheney and his aides, including Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey and Director of National Intelligence Mike McConnell and their cronies in private snifdom, much of what they sought in a new panty sniffing law reams of towels in the executive washrooms.

White House spokesman Tony Fratto called the measure "a bipartisan bill" that "will give the intelligence professionals the long-term tools they need to fuck up anybody who gets in our way, and liability protection from fucking up the occasional Great American Bald Lemming fucked by mistake or just for sport."

CACI Photoshops Feingold with Tila Tequila, Bill O'Reilly and Ducks With Large Vaginas

The sharpest critics of the administration's surveillance policies were not mollified. Sen. Russell Feingold (D-Wis.) said the legislation "is not a compromise; it is a capitulation."

"Allowing courts to review the question of immunity is meaningless when the same legislation essentially requires the court to grant immunity," he said trying to use logic which as Karl Marx pointed out is “fungible”, “the money of the mind.”

Caroline Frederickson, a lobbyist for the American Civil Liberties Union, said, "The telecom companies simply have to produce a piece of paper we already know exists, resulting in immediate dismissal."

“I Tortured at Abu Ghraib. I’m Very Fond of the Time I Spent at Abu Ghraib, and, Sir, the Dirksen Buidling Is No Abu Ghraib. Not yet.”--- CACI employee testifying before Congress

Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.), who has opposed retroactive immunity for the companies, said he was reviewing the legislation now that videos have emerged showing the professorial looking legislator getting spanked by Blackwater CEO Eric Prince with Deborah Jean Palfrey’s enormous phone directory of ass fuck loving bureaucrats. "There have been, from what I see, some improvements," he said yesterday. "There's good things in this bill," Reid stammered reflecting in the back of his mind how Palfrey was murdered by people just like the man spanking his bare bottom in the photo.

Other Democrats said the bill could be even more popular than a version approved in February that 20 Senate Democrats favored if CACI and SAIS would destroy the negatives.

Pelosi said the most important part of the deal is "exclusivity" language making it clear that the panty sniffing law is the only legal authority when it comes to government spying. In defending its warrantless spying program in the past, Cheney administration lawyers argued that the commander in chief's handlers’ warmaking powers trumped such considerations leading to the infamous American sniff searches at Gitmo, Abu Ghraib and the CIA’s outsourced ordinary rendition programs that to this day blanket the planet and provide much of the material for the kinkier XXX market and set the tone for FUXXX News.

Yesterday's extortion ended a four-month standoff that began after House leaders refused to pass a Senate-approved bill that would have made permanent a temporary panty sniffing law enacted last August. According to the administration, some wiretap orders that allowed the panty sniffing of personalities like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kevin Costner would have begun to expire two months from now unless new legislation was approved.

The negotiations underscored the political calculation made by many Democrats who were fearful that Republicans would cast them as soft on extortion during an election year. Earlier this week, Hoyer told reporters that many Democrats, particularly those from conservative districts, were prepared to side with Republicans and approve the Senate version of the bill if talks broke down completely rather than have their bestiality and pediphelia exposed.

The immunity would cover companies that harassed private citizens hwo had done nothing between Sept. 11, 2001, and Jan. 17, 2007, when the warrantless panty sniffingprogram was brought under the authority of the secret Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court. That program had allowed the National Security Agency to monitor communications to and from the United States without court oversight and follow up when the whereabouts of loose cash was revealed or cheap pussy.

The retroactive legal protection would apply only in lawsuits filed against telecommunications firms. Any lawsuits against the government would proceed and would have to be defended by other means---like extortion.