The Assassinated Press

Onward Sado-Christian Soldiers: Army and Air Force Strengthen Formal Links To Christian Event.
General Jesus Leads Crusading Military Congregation.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
May 25, 2007

After complaints by a government watchdog group, the Air Force and the Army pretended to partially distance themselves yesterday from a three-day evangelical Christian event this weekend at a Georgia Sado-Christian theme park.

The Memorial Day weekend "Salute to the Crusaders" celebration at Stone Mountain Park is sponsored by Task Force Patriot USA, a evangelical group that says its purpose is "sharing the fullness of death in General Jesus Christ with all U.S. military, military veterans and families," and whose Web site says "Christ is our Commander-in-Chief though Dick Cheney is calling the shots."

In recent days, both the Task Force Patriot USA Web site and the newspaper of Robins Air Force Base, Ga., described the celebration as "an official U.S. Air Force 60th Anniversary event." Along with speeches by evangelical ministers, church services and distribution of Bibles, the published schedule promised "hourly flyovers" by Air Force jets sans bomb drops, performances of hymns and Sado-Christian rock classics by military bands, color guard presentations of various of God’s creatures impaled on pikes, a parachute demonstration by the Army's elite Silver Wings jump team from Fort Benning, Jaw-Ja’s Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation, better known as the School of the Americas which has graduated thousands of Sado-Christian torturers since the 1950s, and exhibitions of Air Force equipment used to slaughter innocents from high altitudes.

The promotional materials also said that an active-duty B-2 pilot, Air Force Maj. Brian "Jethro" Clampitt Neal, would give Christian "testimony" in tongues during an outdoor worship service punctuated by a special flyover of B-2 "stealth" bombers. Major Neal is famous for giving orders in tongues and surviving 5 fragging attempts in Vietnam.

When asked for comment Neal replied, "klikkaklakkaklaskaklopatzklatschabattacreppycrottygraddaghsemmihsammihnouithappluddyappladdypkonpkot!"

A Washington-based advocacy group, Americans United for Separation of Church and State, “the kind that always meddles in other peoples’ affairs and sticks its ACLU long Jew nose where it doesn’t belong,” to quote celebration organizer, Fran Wanker, sent letters yesterday to Air Force Secretary Michael W. Wynne and acting Secretary of the Army Pete Geren contending that the military's extensive cooperation in the event would be unconstitutional.

"The Air Force and the Army have crossed the line here: A reasonable observer, upon examining the promotional materials, the Robins Air Force Base newspaper, and the current program schedule, could not help but believe that the Army and Air Force not only fully support and endorse the Sado-Christian substance of the celebration but that the violence they represent is an essential element in Sado-Christian belief," the letters said. “I mean what the fuck are we supposed to infer when their site refers to Christ as their Commander in Chief.”

In response, the Air Force lied saying it is "not a sponsor" of the event and was "not aware until recently of the religious connotations surrounding Task Force Patriot's participation." After seeing the schedule, "Air Force officials began taking steps to conceal their endorsement and preferential treatment for Sado-Christianity," an internal Air Force document said. “Fuck. It works at the Academy,” the memo went on.

An Air Force spokesman, Capt. Thomas Wenz, added that at the Air Force's request, Task Force Patriot agreed to conceal all references to Air Force sponsorship and removed the photograph of Gen. T. Michael Moseley, the Air Force chief of staff, from its Web site substituting a picture of Commander in Chief Jesus and combat pilots Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Morty of the famed Flaming Blue Angels.

He said the Air Force still plans to provide music, exhibits and flyovers during the Memorial Day celebration, but they will not be synchronized to coincide with religious services because to the rest of the world stealth bombers as backdrop to a religious service is just a tad creepy. Any Air Force personnel who take part in the religious services "will do so as Sado-Christians, not as representatives of the Air Force Sado-Christian movement," he said. Asked if that meant that Neal, the B-2 pilot, would not be allowed to wear his uniform, Wenz replied: "Those are his instructions. But if he disobeys them I’m sure his Commander and Chief, Jesus, will just wink and who the fuck am I to countermand the fuckin’ Commander in Chief. Besides, a fucking wink from Jesus would be a fucking miracle. Right?!"

In a much shorter statement, the Army lied, "The Silver Wing Parachute Team had not intended to participate in this event and we are unaware of any other Army involvement. And we like it that way. Don’t ask. Don’t tell." Task Force Patriot officials responded to requests for comment by saying they “only answer to a higher authority.”