The Assassinated Press

Americans Prepare to Gun Down More of Their Kids as Sales of Semi-Automatic Rifles Reach Sociopathological Proportions.
NRA, gunowners see children under 8 as main threat to unbridled gunownership.
Utah to arm teachers: “Little Johnnie’s less likely to act up in class if Teach is strapped with a Glock,” Governor Herbert Declares.
Gunowners continue to ignore the Second Amerndment. No “well-regulated militia” in sight. Race still a huge factor in increased gun sales.

The Assassinated Press

Young children seen by NRA as the number one threat to gun ownership.

Eliminate the children and you eliminate the main threat to gun ownership. That is the mssage that the NRA and gunowners all over the country are sending to Washington.

Guns aren’t the problem. Children are.

“If these little fucking children didn’t exist we wouldn’t be having this discussion,” NRA Wayne LaPierre told an audience of some 4000 gunowners at a convention in Salt Lake City. “Its obvious as the bulbous, pimply black head riddled nose on my face guns are not the problem. Children are.”

Leni Riefenstahl not so much Hollywood as Salt Lake City.

The huge gun toting crowd made up mostly of deadbeat dads, right wing nazi and racist militia members, gun dealers, paranoid schizophrenics, violent sex offenders, members of the Mormon Church, meth lab entrepreneurs, corporate lobbyists and Republicans began shouting wildly applauded LaPierre’s every thought and gesture. LaPierre is French but without any of the revolutionary spirit.

Guns don't kill people. Sometimes children play in the line of fire.

He whipped the crowd to a frenzy with his idea to arm teachers in the schools.

“Why not arm a pregnant mother of two making forty thousand dollars a year and have her battle it out with one of you when you finally go off your nut,” LaPierre said. “So what if she’s hit. Soon we’ll take away her union. She can’t sue us cause she won’t have the resources. And she fuckin’ won’t have any sick leave not to mention that Richie Rich salary of $40,000.00 dollars a year. With this obviously diseased, self-serving proposal, I’m surprised the teachers haven’t come gunning for me or my buddies at the NRA or the Koch brothers. You know people like us who deserve to die instead, are in our own homicidal way crying out for someone to end the voices in our heads and the psychopathological pain wracking our our diseased medullas as we use the death of children to boost gun sales while shielding our sheer insanity behind a glossomorphism worthy of a Jeffrey Dahmer. Charles Manson, Antonin Scalia or John Wayne Gacy.”

Corporate involvement.

The NRA is a long time member of ALEC. The American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) is an 501(c)(3) pseudo-American organization composed of legislators, businesses and foundations which produces model legislation for state legislatures that benefits the international corporate aristocracy and that aristocracy alone because they know that many states are stuffed with white knuckledragging assholes that will work against their own self-interest just by having some greasy lawmaker, like Brewer in Arizona, make them feel like they are superior to minorities. If this sounds like the tactic used on poor whites in the old slavery, Jim Crow South, that’s because it fucking is.

Through organizations like ALEC, the corporate aristocracy, even those that are French, write American state law while dumbass whitey gets taken to the cleaners not that his intent didn’t stink all along.

Childhood is the problem.

LaPierre also made the point that children are hopelessly distracted poorly formed human beings caught up in play and not paying attention to the potential enemies lurking all around them.

Call of the wild.

“We need our kids to be more vigilant,” LaPierre said. “That someone that looks a lot like me may be out to fuck them or even kill them. They can’t be just hopping around playing with a ball or on the jungle gym. They have to be alert for danger al of the time like game in the wild or a platoon in Nam. Otherwise how will they survive in the wild that we at the NRA say we love so much and worked so hard to bring to our daily lives and our schoolyards.”

The NRA gets on board with Michelle Obama's health initiative. "Are our children too obese to evade gunfire? " LaPierre asks.

“Sure gunowners may look at children as deer or raccoon, mere game. But that’s the children’s fault. Them with their natural Rousseauian condition. Wake up kids! It’s a dangerous world. There are 300,000,000 guns out there and your drunken, methed up, NRA daddy owns six of them.”