The Assassinated Press
"Oink! Oink!": Bush Announces New Open Season on 401(k)s
By LOWRENTS KNUKESUM
Assassinated Press Writer 4/1/04
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Bush said Saturday his administration was enacting a legislative cover up so that the theft of the $1.5 trillion dollars of investments that 40 million Americans have put into 401(k) retirement savings accounts could continue unabated even as his own cabal of felons made some political gains in light of the up coming elections.
``Rampant Market Looting or RML reminds us that every investment carries some risk,'' Bush read in his weekly radio address. ``Yet, since important elections are approaching and the public, who seems as dimwitted as I am, has again been alerted to the fundamentally venal nature of capital, I've been told to say that American workers also have rights that must be respected and enforced," Bush read triggering a burst of laughter that reverberated throughout the studio. As Monkey Boy smirked those lines, Dick Cheney, listening from a private booth at K Street Brothel and Lobby, sprayed Haley Barbour's cum through his nose. "He made it go up my nothe," complained the Vice President.
The $1.5 trillion in the hugely popular 401(k) accounts ``is real money earned by real workers, and, therefore, we must do all we can to help make sure it finds it's way into the accounts of those who have demonstrated that they really understand and appreciate the capitalist system and not a bunch of office and factory workers whose dream is to retire and buy a Winnebago and travel around this nuclear waste dump of a country." At the mention of $1.5 trillion there was not a pair of dry drawers in the house---or senate. "It's just too much too pass up even if there was some risk involved. I'm addicted to the money and fuck sobriety," said Grant Thepht Otto, a CEO at Citigroup who serves as an economic advisor to the Bush administration as well as the Republican and Democratic leadership in Congress and who clerks for all of the justices at the Supreme Court. "Stealing that 401 (k) money is just chipping for me."
Renowned psychic and genetic criminal pathologist, Hermione Jellyfish, put it this way, "Wall Street is desperately in need of clinical help. But if you try to help them, they'll have you killed."
Bush announced that the Department of Corvee Labor will begin implementing retirement plan obfuscations Monday that Congress smoozed this year as part of a bill to hide corporate accounting practices. Under terms of the new 'confiscations,' 401(k) participants will be given 30 days' notice before being locked out of buying or selling in their accounts when administrative changes are ordered. When this system was tested it took employees on average 45 days to read the fine print and begin searching for another about-to-be-looted investment.
``This important smoke screen will help ensure that hustlers don't get stuck stealing a small percentage of any particular 401 (k) simply because regulations block them from accessing worker's accounts,'' Bush read.
Another obfuscation, which presumably bars corporate executives from selling their stock during such blackout periods, is being enacted through a set of loop holes from the Sack Your Treasury and Quick Change Con Mission.
``If you can sell out the shop floor, you should be able to sell more easily on the top floor,'' Bush read, adding that both rules, if they prove a hindrance to corporate theft, will be in the shredder by early next year.
Even though the vote hustling was already begun by Congress, White House aides sought ahead of time to portray the president's script as evidence of presidential interest on the economy.
The White House has sat square on the face of the quickly approaching Nov. 5 elections that will determine control of the House and Senate and many state legislatures and governorships. Bush hopes to smother Democratic rhetoric that the economy has worsened during his presidency, and that his entire cabinet is at the trough.
Bush also urged Congress, especially the Democratic-controlled Senate, to pass additional retirement-savings protections beyond those included in the accounting changes law because, as has been historically demonstrated ad nauseam, the criminals are ten steps ahead of their legislative hires and are anxious to steal under the new regulations. These would include ensuring that workers can sell any company stock they own after three years or 20,000 miles whichever comes first, ``so that no one's nest egg stays jammed up the poop chute of a single company.''
His proposal also includes giving workers access to professional investment shills and making sure they receive unreadable quarterly reports on the performance of their 401(k)s so that when they get fucked, pols, pundits, the press and corporate presidents can blame them. "At issue is whether American workers are goona get a pension that's goona be there when they retire. That's not goona happen. There's just too much money involved. A large percentage of it has to be stolen if only for the health of the capitalist system. Let them eat 401(k)s," said Rob McPilfer at Morgan Stanley.
The Republican-led House wrote a pension overdraft called the military budget proposal in April that included those and other peculations. Senate Democrats, however, have yet to agree among themselves on such issues as whether to limit how much company stock workers can have in their rest room stalls and whether to go through the expensive and time consuming process of bribing employees that would serve on company boards that oversee retirement plans.
Bush said lawbreakers should dissolve their differences. ``People who work hard and save are suckers. Look at me. Never done an honest days work in my life. Never even had an honest impulse. And I'm fuckin' president. Oink! Oink!" he added. "Aren't those some of the requirements?" quipped an ever more disturbed Ari Fleischer.
The president was spoogin' to the Delphines this weekend at his Camp David, Md., retreat while a sniper exacts his revenge on 401(k) holders for the murderous policies of Wall Street elites.
cuppyroot 1984 The Ass. Press