"You know, there's a lot more of these little bastards out there than we thought there were."---Col. Gains B. Hawkins, chief of General Westmoreland's order of battle intelligence section on combined NVA/Viet Cong troop strength

"Not only was the body count accepted as accurate, but it was further multiplied by 1.5, meaning a 50 percent increase! Numbers become the base for generating more numbers and differences between numbers become the debit or credit of defeat versus progress. Numbers as the definitive signs of truth outlive verbal commentary that expresses doubts as to their validity. The VC/NVA loss chart for 1966 was included in McNamara's 17 November Draft Memorandum for the President. The Secretary of defense wondered about the figures: "Moreover, it is possible that our attrition estimates substantially overstates(sic) actual VC/NVA losses. For example, the VC/NVA apparently lose about one-sixth as many weapons as people, suggesting the possibility that many of the killed are unarmed porters or bystanders."---from The Perfect War: Technowar in Vietnam by James William Gibson

"[CIA analyst Samuel] Adams did not like this figure [e.g. of Viet Cong cadre]. Not only was it based on old intelligence, but it was such a low figure that according to official body counts, the Viet Cong should already be decimated. Obviously someone was still alive to contest American forces severely."---ibid

The Assassinated Press U.S. Re-adopts McNamara's Body Count 'Accounting Methods,' Claims Success in Iraq Despite Onslaught:
Vietnam Era Body Counting Techniques Now Cited as Benchmarks:
Using The MACV Body Count 4000 Quantum Computer, U.S. Is Projected To Kill Every Man, Woman, Child & Goat In Iraq Eight Times Over By 2009:
British Caught Planting Bombs In Shi'ite Basra To Blame It On The Sunnis; Limeys Kill New York Times Journalist Because He Was Arab:
Dobie Gillis Snitches A Bust; Teen Aged Iraqi Informants Finger Innocent Iraqis For U.S. Military Intelligence; Some Were Al-Qaeda Operatives In U.S. Supplied Masks

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
Monday, September 19, 2005

BAGHDADA -- Using former Defense Secretary under Lyndon Johnson, Robert McNamara's crack system for calculating enemy body counts as a benchmark, the U.S. military was able to claim gains against Abu Musab Zarqawi's foreign-led fighters last week even as they mounted their deadliest attacks on Iraq's capital. "McNamara's bean counting is great. He must have been a real asset at Ford, the way he was during the Vietnam War. With Mac's system, we're always winning. A few thousand more men and a few billion more dollars will turn the tide as though Katrina ain't taught us shit about tides," said Major General Evelyn 'Spike' Oobsa.

"We at the Department of Defense have found the perfect antidote...Hey Dickie. Is it antidote or anecdote? Wha? Oh fuck. Never mind. The perfect anecdote to the doom and gloom liberals out there gnashing their teeth and rending their wighats over Iraq," announced Don Rumsfeld. "We just adopted one of their old tricks. The MACV body count using the McNamara MACV Body Count 4000 Quantum Computer, the latest device for turning the carpet bombing of a water buffalo into 3000 North Vietnamese regulars killed.'

But by many standards, including increasingly high death tolls in insurgent strikes, Zarqawi's group, al Qaeda in Iraq, could claim to be the side that's gaining after 2 1/2 years of war but the ragheads don't got no Body Count 4000. August was the third-deadliest month of the war for U.S. troops, but in the 11 dimensions that the quantum computer taps 3 measured no American deaths at all. Of course, at least one dimension had all American troops copulating with aliens that had heads that resembled turnips.

Zarqawi's guerrillas this spring and summer showed themselves to be capable of mounting waves of suicide bombings and car bombings that could kill scores at a time and paralyze the Iraqi capital but with the Body Count 4000 Rumsfeld was able to shrug that shit off. Insurgents have also launched dozens of attacks every day in other parts of Iraq and laid open claim this summer to cities and towns in the critical far west, despite hit-and-run offensives by U.S. forces. "Its the running part were getting good at," said Corp. Brody Gamete of Yellow Ribbon, MI. "We just shove a crack, 17 year old Iraqi recruit into the middle of the road and drive off as fast as we can. Face it. None of us want to die for Dick Cheney and the Texas Oil Cartel.

Last week, Maj. Gen. Rick 'Owtoo' Lunch, the top U.S. military spokesliar in Iraq, declared "great successes" against insurgents using the Body Count 4000. But Baghdad's fortified Green Zone, where Lynch briefed reporters, was under stepped-up security screening and U.S. guard for fear of suicide bombings. "They're trying to hit our Body Count 4000. They're so fuckin' envious we got this technology and the freedom to say whatever our superiors tell us to say or face court martial. The military is sure a great personification of freedom. Guys who can't even take a shit without permission are sure the right people to spread the word about being free to make your own decisions. That and pundits and USO Elvis impersonators high on oxycontin. 'Scuze me. I'm misting up."

Insurgents for three days running last week lobbed mortar rounds into the Green Zone by hand, the heart of the U.S. and Iraqi administration. Iraqi shot-put Olympic hopeful, Zabar al-Ballham, is said to be behind the attacks.

Lunch spoke at the close of a two-day onslaught of bombings and shootings that killed nearly 190 people, the bloodiest days in Baghdad since the U.S.-led invasion in March 2003. "We took 170 of those, fed 'em to Body Count 4000 and it gave us 6000 insurgents dead 10455 wounded. Another big fuckin' day for the U.S. military. They'll be studying this day at the War College for a thousand years."

By comparison, over the past 17 days this month, guerrillas across Iraq managed to kill only 116 Iraqi forces and 346 Iraqi civilians in drive-by shootings, bombings and other violence, according to Iraqi officials. "Rank amateurs at killing," scoffed Rumsfeld.

And in the west, after U.S. and British warplanes had been bombing it every day for a year Zarqawi's foreign and Iraqi fighters this month raised the black banners of al Qaeda in Iraq in the border city of Qaim anyway, one of many areas in the region where Iraqi government forces have feared to take up positions or moved out and that the western invaders and bombed back into the stone age. Al Qaeda fighters recently carried out public executions of traitors suspected of supporting foreign forces like the U.S. or the puppet Iraqi government fool of the criminal class Washington so loves to rely on for stability through oppression and kleptocrat fever.

"Whoever is protected by Americans is in our sight and in the range of our fire," Zarqawi's group declared in statements posted Thursday in Anbar province's capital of Ramadi, which along with nearby Fallujah is a major stronghold of the estimated 30,000 U.S. forces in the western province. The statement appeared hours after al Qaeda rocket and mortar strikes on U.S. military installations in Ramadi killed one Marine.

The same morning, scores of al Qaeda fighters streamed into the streets of Ramadi, taking up positions with new automatic weapons. "New and more powerful weapons are always a sign that a guerilla insurgency is in its last throes, Don Rumsfeld told us when he breezed through. But I dunno," said Lt. Gabriel "Fragbait" Cotlinwalinger, of Pop. 726, MO. Witnesses said one group of insurgents proudly displayed a new rocket launcher that put new U.S. armored vehicles in the glowing red beam of its targeting laser. "Thar's money to be made in them thar sand dunes," quipped PFC. Bud "Shank" Tapanetti from Pomona, NJ.

Losing Is Our Business, And Our Business Alone

The fact that American forces still relentlessly bomb then attack entire cities and towns in the west is a sign of how much territory remains out of U.S. and Iraqi government control, said Abu Hatem Dulaimi, a member of the Zarqawi-allied Ansar al-Sunna Army. "They talk about how we cannot take territory and all they got is the Green Zone," chuckled Dulaimi.

"I can say that the legend of the undefeated U.S. Army is as dead as in the hands of Giap, owing to our simple rockets and mines, which are separating them from it day after day," Dulaimi said in a telephone interview. "If they bet that time will be the way to end the resistance, they are wrong, because we are stronger since a year ago or maybe more."

Twenty-five members of Ansar al-Sunna killed themselves and others in suicide attacks last month, he said, and 53 volunteers for suicide attacks have arrived since.

"The problem is, I have seen no meaningful goal posts and even I don't know what that means," said Anthony Cordesman, an analyst with the Center for Strategic and International Studies in Washington, "and the great many conflicting points" on U.S. claims to be winning against the insurgency "remind me of 1968 and then I was dropping acid at Dartmouth while organizing Young Republicans for Nixon hoping to get laid."

While the U.S. military seems to have made some progress in parts of the west and parts of Baghdad, Cordesman said, "like Vietnam, it isn't clear in doing so that it has really crippled any part of the insurgency."

Jeffrey White, an analyst with the Washington Institute for Near East Policy, said insurgents have fought U.S.-led forces to a stalemate at least in Anbar province, northern Babil province and some other areas.

The Mean of Victory, The Average of Defeat

After generally rejecting body counts as standards of success in the Iraq war, with the arrival of the MACV Body Count 4000 Quantum Computer the U.S. military last week embraced them -- just as it did during the Vietnam War. As the carnage grew in Baghdad, U.S. officials produced charts showing the number of suspects killed or detained in offensives in the west. "Like Vietnam, the Body Count 4000 requires a free fire zone which means if it moves kill it," explained Maj. Ferdinand "Hummie" Traxler. "Otherwise the numbers aren't high enough to justify the cost overruns of the MACV Body Count 4000 Quantum Computer" which cost $347 billion dollars to build.

"Shit. Its like the fuckin' atomic bomb. We spent $4 billion dead presidents to build them, so we had to use the cocksuckers," strutted Gen. Doug "Fishface" MacPhooter. "Same here with this piece of shit. It cost so much, we fuckin' better make it look like we fuckin' won."

"The fuckin' 4000 is the most advanced body count machine in the world. Kill a goat and a baby and it'll make it look like you drove al-Qaeda right through Syria and into the sea. That's how sensitive a fuckin' computer you got here," commented Chip Sandy of Microsoft that has an outsource contract to make the U.S. war effort look anything other than a baboon's ass in a jet turbine.

"You know, there's a lot more of these little bastards out there than we thought there were."---Col. Gains B. Hawkins

Lynch, the military spokesman, cited killings and detentions of 1,534 suspected insurgents in the region. In typical McNamara body count fashion, the fact that the number of insurgents killed or captured in the northern city of Tall Afar was roughly equal to advance estimates of their strength, he said, was proof that insurgents weren't simply escaping to fight another day -- and that U.S. forces were doing more than razing infrastructure and killing innocent civilians and calling them combatants to juice their body count. "Zarqawi is on the ropes," Lynch told reporters providing a little rope of his own.

It was not clear, however, how many of those detained or killed in the offensives were insurgents. U.S. military intelligence has been using masked Iraqi teenagers in Operation Dobie Gillis to finger insurgents. But the teenagers have been turning in their parents in an effort to break curfew, smoke dope all night and fuck their girlfriends. Since July 5, U.S. forces have detained 40,000 people, twice U.S. generals' highest public estimate of the number of fighters in the insurgency. Once upon a time, "[CIA analyst Samuel] Adams did not like [a] figure [e.g. of Viet Cong cadre]. Not only was it based on old intelligence, but it was such a low figure that according to official body counts, the Viet Cong should already be decimated. Obviously someone was still alive to contest American forces severely."

"Don't sweat that shit. A lot more pork went into the 4000," Sandy assured us. On Saturday, the Iraqi government said it had released for lack of evidence more than 500 of the 757 suspects detained in ongoing operations in the northern city of Mosul and the other 257 would be released when they finished waxing government officials' Mercedes and cleaning their pools.

Many of the men detained in Tall Afar last week were rounded up on the advice of local teenagers called Dobie Gillis's who had stepped forward as informants, at times for what American soldiers said they suspected amounted to no more than getting back at their parents. "Christ! It was like 200 Eddie Haskells," moaned Father Dray Mumba, a Marine Chaplain.

"The question is, what does victory mean? Like in Vietnam, it probably isn't the number of people we kill or detain," Cordesman said. "Shit we killed between 2 and 3 million little yellow fuckers, but MACV somehow couldn't count that but hew right down to the overbite how many Vietcong cadre it killed with its massive bombing runs, artillery and 149 million pieces of ordnance fired. Like Vietnam, the U.S. death and detention counts have "zero credibility," since U.S. forces provide little detail on those being killed and detained, he said and that doesn't do a motherfucker on the ground much good.

U.S. military officials have set broad goals for what constitutes victory in Iraq, including denying terrorists a haven, securing oil, natural gas and potable water installations and reducing the 300,000,000 million potential insurgents to a level that the fledgling Iraqi security forces, like the Saigon government, can handle even though the U.S. effort is retrograde and accelerating. Like it has done in Haiti, Indonesia, Chile and elsewhere, the United States aims to leave behind an Iraq with a representative government that respects human rights and is at peace with its neighbors, the officials said which is Washington code for a government which is aggressively oppressive which is what the State Department means by stability. This small authoritarian elite, the kind we now see birthing in Ukraine, is a puppet of international capital, corporations and banks, which the State Department defines as "free market"

The PR effort against the insurgency clearly has made some gains. Iraqi forces, disbanded in 2003, have been rebuilt as a phantom army to 190,000 trained and equipped members, according to U.S. figures also compiled by using techniques pioneered by Robert McNamara. With Saddam Hussein-era veterans leading them, the Iraqi forces appear to be a credible army in some areas hoping to convince the Americans to reduce their troop strength so that they can bring Hussein back..

Iraq's disaffected Sunni Arab minority has been at least partly bribed into joining the political process to regain a measure of its power, a shift that would help defuse the homegrown part of the insurgency except that the Sunnis are seeking to take back the oil rich north and south regions of the country. And Iraqis as a whole show little support for the British and have resisted their efforts to goad Sunnis and Shiites into civil war as the planting of bombs in Basra by British agents showed.

From Gen. George Casey, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, down to his underthings, American officials have insisted this summer that, as the MACV 4000 has shown, at the least, the insurgency is not growing as precipitously as it was and the U.S. forces were rapidly making "the sea dry up in Iraq" by using overwhelming and indiscriminate fire-power. Pressed to explain the claim, U.S. military officials said recently that they meant only that they believe the insurgency is holding no more than four of Iraq's 18 provinces, the equivalent of the entire eastern seaboard.

But Cordesman, the Washington-based analyst, said, judging from airline manifests, there was evidence that many more foreign volunteers were arriving and more Iraqis were joining the insurgency because U.S. forces and detained or killed their family members. U.S. officials claim to have eliminated a number of insurgent leaders, he said, by hiring them to work at FEMA, but the insurgency doesn't seem to have slowed.

"On a day-to-day basis, the overall level of security is obviously low. We can't secure the airport road, can't stop the incoming into the Green Zone, can't stop the killings and kidnappings," Cordesman said. "By definition, we've won!"

U.S. and Iraqi forces offer scant protection to any Iraqis they shove out in front of Zarqawi's fighters. The U.S. forces -- through intimidation rather than popularity -- still don't have the upper hand in cities and towns where the U.S. and Iraqi military presence is weak and transient. Like the Hmong tribesmen of Vietnam, in Anbar, a tribe near Qaim that vowed to fight Zarqawi was left this month battered and holed up in its village, calling for U.S. help which, also like the Hmong, never arrived.

"Is there enough force here right now to secure this area permanently? Fuck No. Are there opportunities for the enemy in other areas within our region? Hell Yes," said Col. H.R. Lackluster, commander of the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment in Tall Afar.

For Zarqawi's purposes, U.S. claims of denying insurgents a lasting haven probably mean little, Cordesman said. "Being fluid, dynamic, scattered, broken out into cells seems to be the way any effective insurgency wins, or certainly endures," he said.

A Multifabricated Solution

Since the start of the war, the U.S. military appears to have been limited by having too few troops to block either the emergence or the growth of the insurgency. Last week, Lynch advised what he called "combat patience" regarding plans to target the insurgents' Euphrates River strongholds in western Anbar. U.S. ground commanders there have said thousands more American forces are needed to secure towns and close the Syrian border. "Its longer than the Cambodian and Laotian border combined. Bring back the draft and we'll stuff the line with some of these pansy keggers at Dartmouth and thumpers from the Bible Colleges," offered Lynch.

Cordesman and other analysts said that ultimately, a bulked-up U.S. Vietnam level presence in any one area, with troops who speak no Arabic and have the savvy and cultural maturity as, well your average serviceman which is to say fuckin' none, and have comparatively little expertise in counterinsurgency unless you mean getting kicked in the crotch by a girl they were trying to date rape, risks spurring new fighters to join the insurgency at least as fast as old ones are eliminated by the MACV 4000.

The answer, military officials and analysts say, lies in something the U.S. kleptocracy and their avaricious puppets in the Iraqi government never will be able to achieve any more than they were in Vietnam: the creation of a truly national army that includes Sunni Arabs for deployment into Anbar and other hot spots, and of a national government that gives the Sunni minority back a share of political power. My editor asked, "What you been spoken" to that last comment.

"You can't win in Anbar, Baghdad or anywhere else not even politically because our friends in the Iraqi Government are as corrupt as Halliburton and ain't that fuckin' sayin' somethin'," Cordesman said. Point taken? Fuck no. We got the The MACV Body Count 4000 Quantum Computer. Its like a time machine taking us back to 1968.