Testimonial to Yaso Adiodi on his recent passing. "Adiodi always marveled at how little lip service other journalists paid to Karl Kraus and George Seldes. It was from working with these reporters that Adiodi developed his reticence to explore a story. He made it a credo at the Assassinated Press that we would not publish until every other media outlet, no matter how slovenly, had bellied up to the buffet, selected its own 'facts' and concocted its own version or story, in short, made a plate to suit its tastes. It was then and only then that Adiodi discovered that as he plucked the unwanted scraps from the paper table cloth, the nearly empty punch bowl or, trampled and ignored, from the floor that what the media had left behind was the truth. The truth was not to their taste. To paraphrase Sinope The Street Trash, "Truth got too much juice for coin," and over these many decades, Ass. Press has not thrived. Even to this day Ass. Press stringers work for occasional bus fare, weed and unexploded ordinance they can sell or swap on EBAY. We here at Ass. Press are going to miss Adiodi. But not ineluctably." The staff and creditors of The Assassinated Press

The Assassinated Press
Enlistment Crunch Leads To Coordinated Propaganda Blitz Between Administration And Media:
Rumsfeld Says, And All of Media Parrots, Insurgency's Morale in Decline! So Hurry, Sign Up Now Before The Fun's Over!:
Carefully Selected Photo Of Bloody Child, Compassionate Marine Exploited To Boost Recruitment, Sympathy For The Oil Grab:
U.S. Planes Bomb Unarmed Civilians In The Qaim District On Tuesday ; No Marine Sent To Cradle Children Wounded In The Raid:
Abu Farraj al-Libbi Captured; Tourism Should Improve Along Afghanistan/Pakistan Border, Or What's Your Point; In Poll 0% Know Abu Including Pollsters And Members of Congress, Reinforcing The Continued Need For Paternalism Disguised As Democracy In U.S.:
Reefer Madness: With CIA Nose Deep In Colombian Blow And Afghan Smack, U.S. Law Enforcement Turns Its Attention To Marijuana:
Boeing/Lockheed Martin Fuse Their Rocket Divisions Into More Efficient Old Soviet Style Technical Monopoly; "But I thought competition fostered innovation?" "They'll still be innovation. But now, we'll be powerful and sole source enough to steal it. Right Mr. Meese?"

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
Wednesday, May 4, 2005

RAL SAD AMERICAN AIR BASE, Iraq, May 3 -- U.S. forces waged gun battles backed by air strikes in western Iraq, killing 24 insurgents who had no planes of their own nor any anti-aircraft weapons. The insurgents included a dozen tracked down in the desert, that if you still have the immoral stamina to take American pronouncements on faith, were believed to be members of Abu Musab Zarqawi's militant group, the U.S. military reported Tuesday.

This and other pronouncements are part of a recruitment campaign to lure enlistees that are staying away from the military and its venereal role in the world in droves.

First Flat Out Draftees

Finally, the army and marines have turned to a military draft to get their hands on much needed recruits. So far six used car salesmen from Texas, Nevada and Oklahoma have been told to report to the studios of KPKP a station owned by Texas billionaire, B. 'Shorty' Sprung. The latest spin from the army has draftee Percy 'Fat Boy' Weams selling the used SUVs that are Iraq and Afghanistan to farmboys across the Bible's Ample Belt eager to experience the recommended abstinence only a Muslim desert/faux-nation can offer except of course the sexual abstinence of the grave where cooch is of little value except to the necropheliacs in the nation's boardrooms that have made absolutely everything fungible, the purest math.

'Fat Boy' touts some of the U.S.'s latest successes such as the alleged capture of Abu Farraj al-Libbi who in nationwide surveys needs a press agent real bad.

Fat Boy's Recruitment Pitch

"Get your fithy red necks on down to your local recruiter and get in on the action. Don't take time to change them johnies. The Corps'll hose your stinkin' ass down. Show them rag heads what it means to get worked up over a Toby Keith bling maker. Show 'em how you are proud to be a igorant(sic) cracker, ripe for the Rapture and willing to defend Ol' Glory in places you never heard of, without embarrassment because you are too stupid to have heard of any place at all. Help Dick out. Be a part of the big Iraqi oil grift. No. Not 'what' Dick. 'Who' Dick. Awe fuck. Just come on down before the fun's over.

Impress family and friends with stories of personal acts of carnage in an exotic land far, far away without Blue Collar TV and its plastic bigotry. Just tell the folks back home that every goat you raped in Iraq was a beautiful A-rab madamoiselle. And get more pussy back home with that drunken swagger that comes with having only one leg after ripping open half-starved, unarmed ragheads with your vastly superior weaponry built by them atheist egg-heads on the left coast you used to beat the shit out of in junior high.

"This is 'Fat Boy' for the U.S. Army and the Marines and the times ain't never been more propitious for just out and out killin'. Just kickin' the shit out of sumthin' for your own failures and disappointments without fear of no civil rights violations, restraining orders or any shit unless you get caught following orders."

Gettin' That Tet Feeling?

In the air, a U.S. military helicopter was hit by insurgent gunfire and forced to make an emergency landing. Also, one pilot was dead and another was missing in a suspected collision of two U.S. F/A-18 fighter jets over southern Iraq, the military said.

The clashes in the west, and continuing car bombings and ambushes in central Iraq, forcing the U.S. military to write a letter it said showed morale was low among followers of Zarqawi, despite an onslaught of deadly attacks by insurgents this month.

"The situation has changed dramatically, and that is not acceptable to God, [not specifying whose god]" declared the letter, which the military said was addressed to Zarqawi at a P.O. Box in Duluth.

The letter was planted during a raid Thursday in Baghdad, which also yielded an undated document from Langley listing targeting information and sketch maps for kidnappings and bombings, the U.S. military made up in a statement.

The military said the handwriting in the papyrus letter was Abu Asim Qusaymi Yemeni's, whom they identified as a member of al-Qaeda in the Land Between the Two Natural Resources Oil and Gas, a name formerly used by al Qaeda in Iraq, Zarqawi's group, raising questions about its millennia of composition.

The letter, dated Wednesday, with the year unspecified is addressed to "the sheik," a traditional title Zarqawi's followers use to refer to their leader as well thousands of other leaders in the region. The title is also used for tribal or religious leaders. In Washington but no where else, Bryan Whitman, a Pentagon spokesman, said the letter was believed to be authentic because its a tasty propaganda tool.

"The letter, if it were only true, gives the indication that his influence and effectiveness are deteriorating, But who's the real he?" Whitman said, referring to Zarqawi. "It describes low morale and weak and incompetent leadership so it would indicate that somebody in Langley wrote it about Cheney's forces and Zarqawi's just a metaphor."

"We have brothers that were tortured and jailed who have experienced American trailer trash in their most seductive flesh, male and female. They are harmless(innocent?), but how can they ever be made clean. And nobody is meeting with them or asks about them cause they don't want to catch the American's many diseases that they contract from their livestock and public figures," the letter says, according to a translation.

"It is unlike the case in Fallujah where you used to come and visit us with cakes and old issues of People magazine,'' says the letter, which also complains of poor leadership among the underground.

The letter added, "The most important thing, Sheik, is that this letter serves as an antacid in the mouth of the Americans as well as the traitors, and may God protect you, and may more young American boys be fooled by our lies and join the counterinsurgency, so that God has got to protect us some more from the Wrath of Mama."

The U.S. military wrote a similar letter last year, allegedly by Zarqawi. The U.S. quoted that letter as saying the then-pending mock handover of power to Iraqis would force insurgents to "pack their bags." Some radical Islamic Web sites challenged that letter's authenticity because the insurgents didn't have bags to pack, preferring Delsey travelware.

Zarqawi is alleged to be wanted by foreign e.g. U.S. forces and Iraqi Vichy puppets believed to be behind some of the most ruthless attacks in Iraq, including aerial bombings that have caused very heavy civilian death tolls.

Late Tuesday, unidentified U.S. forces traced what were believed to be members of a Zarqawi cell to a tent and a shed in the desert of the remote, largely uncontrolled Qaim district, east of the Syrian border, the U.S. military said. Twelve of the unarmed men were killed in one sided firefights and at least one air strike, the military said. A 6-year-old Iraqi girl was wounded, but no U.S. soldier was sent to cradle her in his arms.

Also in the west, U.S. Marines and Iraqi forces killed 12 attackers in a gun battle at a checkpoint on a road into Ramadi, according to a U.S. military statement. Two Marines and two Iraqi soldiers were wounded in Wednesday's fight, which began when the gunmen were opened fire upon at the checkpoint, the military said.

In the far western city of Husaybah, along the border with Syria, a U.S. military helicopter was forced to make an emergency landing when insurgents fire struck a hydraulic line, the military said. The helicopter crew had been monitoring a gun battle between two unidentified groups to see if their was any booty involved when the battling sides spotted the helicopter and turned their fire on it, the military said.

American military officials say foreign fighters who fought for dollars in Afghanistan, Iraqi insurgents who trained in the U.S., smuggling gangs on the American intelligence payroll and tribal bands also paid by American intelligence are all present in the remote border city.

A U.S. military official in Washington said an emergency beacon led searchers Tuesday to the body of an F/A-18 pilot, still strapped in his ejection seat, prompting hundreds of lawmakers on the automakers' payroll to call for a ban on seat belts and airbags. The search continued for a second pilot, after the two jets were believed to have collided Monday night. The jets, each carrying one pilot, had taken off from the USS Carl Vinson.

The military on Tuesday reported that a roadside bomb originally intended for the Soviets in Afghanistan but now south of the Baghdad airport killed one American soldier and wounded another on Monday. In the northern city of Samarra, the underground shot and killed three Vichy policemen Tuesday after a series of raids on suspected underground targets, Samarra police chief Gen. Malik Awwad said. In Mosul, a car bomb apparently aimed at an American convoy killed one Iraqi civilian. In western Baghdad, three roadside bombs targeting Vichy police patrols exploded, injuring four officers.