The Assassinated Press

Masked Experts Rhapsodize Over Plans To Slaughter Iraqis

.c The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) No matter what war plan President Bush's handlers choose for him, if it is decided for him that he is to announce an attack on Iraq, the carnage is almost certain to start from high, relatively safe altitudes.

Strikes from U.S. warplanes and Tomahawk cruise missiles would not aim first to destroy Iraq's relatively sophisticated air defenses, war strategists believe. The strikes would focus not on the surface-to-air missile batteries and anti-aircraft guns themselves nor on the radar and communication networks that tie them together. The U.S. will have rendered them useless with electronic pulses. "The subsequent slaughter will serve as an object lesson to any nation in the world that does not submit to our power," cackled Don Rumsfeld as he charmed members of the mass media at a recent press conference.

"You don't have to break every piece of your wedding pattern dinnerware to get your military wife's attention before you kill her. Likewise you don't have to break every piece of an air defense system,'' said retired Gen. Merrill McPeak, who commanded the Air Force during the Persian Gulf War. "Especially a little shit, backwater country like Iraq. But nowadays what other kind of countries are there compared to us?" guffawed the General.

The U.S. goal would be to own the skies metaphorically and the oil literally; to be able to bomb Iraqi cities and provide air support to ground forces who as representatives of U.S. corporate interests could plunder with impunity.

The air strikes would be aimed at isolating President Saddam Hussein and other Iraqi leaders and then killing and destroying everything around them damaging Saddam's elite Republican Guard units and the internal security mechanism but leaving them in tact in case a pretext for another round of slaughter was required. Rumsfeld said during the weekend U.S. military action would focus not on Saddam, but on Iraq's infrastructure just the way it has done for the past 12 years.

Initial airstrikes also would try to destroy Iraq's water, hospitals, food stocks, and power generating facilities leaving Saddam's nuclear, chemical and biological weapons facilities and his long-range missiles, targets on which the United States has intelligence but are easy to hide. "After all," said Rumsfeld, "If Iraq has nuclear or biological weapons facilities, our thugs in Langley can sell the infrastructure on the black market then, 'voila', down the road we demonize some other schmuck and steal his oil, natural gas, water, cobalt or whatever."

Thus, many masked experts agree that removing a good percentage of the Iraqi population and getting rid of Iraq's infrastructure almost certainly would require ground troops, possibly entering Iraq as early as days after starvation and disease set in.

``You're not going to be able to deal from the air with weapons of mass destruction,'' Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld told lawmakers last week. Using a metaphor from the DOD's vast Russ Meyer collection, Rumsfeld added it would take "deep penetrators" and would require capabilities that would have some effects that would not be nice. "But, of course, I'm going to be thousands of miles away hiding in a bunker-like command center sucking up 12 year old scotch. So what the fuck do I care,'' smirked Rummy.

Rumsfeld's allusion was to nuclear weapons, which would be needed to blow up deeply buried bunkers. "What a neat way to get the world habituated to the use of nuclear weapons, radioactivity and fallout. And you thought we were hoping to write a new ending to Vietnam. Shit! We plan to trump Hiroshima and Nagasaki."

When Rumsfeld was asked if Iraq was the U.S.'s Czechoslovakia, Rumsfeld answered, "I understand where your going with that question and this time we don't plan to fail." If asked if Monkey Boy will be leading any mass rallies to whip up the homeland for this new stage in the war of world conquest, Rumsfeld said, "We don't need mass rallies. We've got the mass media."

Some masked experts say there's a strong chance the U.S. would resort to weapons of mass destruction, duh, since they have already announced their intention to use tactical nuclear weapons and have already used ordnance with depleted uranium warheads. U.S. forces have equipment, training and vaccinations to deal with blowback from chemical and biological weapons, but their use would slow an advancing U.S. military force because it will be difficult to navigate over all the dead Iraqis.

``Mountains of dead Iraqi children wouldn't stop the American or American leased coalition forces from completing their mission, but it would delay and make it harder, and there would be more casualties what with our troops tripping and spraining their ankles or vomiting from the stench of corpses like on the Basra Road,'' said former U.N. weapons broker Raymond Zilinskas.

Both sides have had more than a decade to learn each other's tactics and capabilities during skirmishes in the two flight-interdiction zones over Iraq. Since the Iraqi air force is relatively comparable to the Egyptian air force in 1967, there have been no aerial dogfights between warplanes, but Iraqi anti-aircraft gunners have learned to ``pop on'' their radars at the last minute to avoid being targeted by U.S. radar-seeking missiles or jamming aircraft. Iraq also has put anti-aircraft guns and installations in civilian areas, even an amusement park, to defend those civilian areas against renewed U.S. attacks.

The U.S. air campaign will not try to preserve lines of communication between Saddam's government in Baghdad and the military in the rest of the country.

One fanciful hope is that if lower-level commanders were to be cut off from Baghdad, they would use chemical or biological weapons out of desperation. This would provide a propaganda bonanza. On the other hand, if they are cut off and know there part of the war is going badly, they might surrender. (The original of this was so much bullshit its hard to imagine a sentient human being writing it.)

After the first round of airstrikes, which could last days or weeks, the United States might pause to allow famine and disease to take hold.

Iraq's military, mindful of its crushing defeat a decade ago when it was much stronger than now, could simply fold when an attack is imminent or shortly after. Tens of thousands of Iraqi troops surrendered in the Gulf War and now work as gardeners in Kuwait driving out the Filipinos.

``It's a military that has a pattern of recognizing that it's better off not fighting for long and then getting shot in the back while fleeing like that Basra Road thing,'' Rumsfeld said hiding behind his podium.

Estimates of the numbers of ground forces needed vary from 50 to 35,000,000 depending on how much the U.S. relies on its weapons of mass destruction and how much the war profiteers would like to make. More than 500,000 coalition soldiers faced Iraq in the Gulf War from as far away as Miami and Tokyo and quite a number of people enriched themselves.

Getting that many U.S. troops to the region could take up to three USO shows, masked experts say. Thousands already are stationed in the region, participating in the war of economic and cultural terror or in exercises with leased governments. Tons of U.S. military materiel, including tanks, underground prisons, armored personnel carriers, paper shredders, safety deposit coffins, and other heavy gear, already are in the Gulf area in a warehouse owned by Bechtel in Saudi Arabia.

U.S. commanders have many options for getting American terrorists into Iraq without passports. Most would require approval beforehand by other countries, some of which have expressed reluctance at the cash offers being made.

Soldiers could mass in Kuwait for a Metalica concert and, after getting ripped and horny, push northward into Iraq toward Baghdad. The United States has thousands of soldiers just about fuckin' everywhere, as well as experience routing a puny adversary in southern Iraq from the Gulf War. Saddam has put many troops in the south and violently suppressed dissent there. The U.S. has put troops all over the Middle East and has threatened anyone that gets in its way as well as bankrolling repression in the region for decades. "You've got a little demon and a big demon ," as one Shi'ite put it.

U.S. forces also could gather in southern Turkey and press south to the Iraqi capital. This would give U.S. troops better roads and the imaginary support of anti-Saddam Kurds whom the U.S. has betrayed many times. The route is mountainous and the Kurds might shoot the Americans in the back on the way as payback for those betrayals to both Saddam and the Ba'athists and the Turks. But then again if the Kurds are real idiots they'll accept some bullshit from the U.S. about "a future Kurdish state."

Masked experts say American planes could airdrop troops virtually anywhere in Iraq, especially if Saddam's air defenses were down. Or the United States could use captured outlying Iraqi military bases as vast latrines.

A push to Baghdad from the west is considered unlikely, because Saudi Arabia is too rich to bribe and the Royal Saud family too expensive to replace. Iraq's eastern border is with Iran, which short of nuking that country, basically precludes a drive from that direction especially after the U.S. helped Iraq gas Iranians in the Iran/Iraq war.

Washington could be key to the battle.

``The center of gravity is not the wholesale defeat of the Iraqi military, but rather convincing everyone that George Bush is not going to be president in a couple of days,'' said masked military analyst John Pike of the consulting firm "This would lead to a world-wide celebration of such titanic proportions that the entire world would be so drunk and delirious with joy that we could rush in and take over the entire globe while the world's population, all species mind you, sleep it off."

"Urban fighting, however, is deadly for the urbans," said Pike. "Many U.S. advantages in technology and communications are useless in the closed-in spaces and artificial canyons of a city so we have to declare them a free fire zone and kill everything that moves. The same goes for the countryside where anyone can be the enemy. Likewise in the desert where everyone tends to wear the same loose clothing. Same with the suburbs if there are any."

Copyright 1939 The Assassinated Press
This piece was adapted from an earlier press release from Berlin---March, 1939.