The Assassinated Press

Washington, CIA, Military Paralyzed With Fear at Vociferousness of Honduran Coup.
Rahm Emanuel Says Honduran Coup Leaders’ Determination Terrifies Him to “the core of his very being.”
Obama Soils Himself and Trembles in Fear Whenever Tough Honduran Micheletti’s Name Is Mentioned.
U.S. Military Ill-equipped to Open Another Front Against Rugged, American Trained, Equipped and Financed Honduran Military, Says Admiral Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

The Assassinated Press

“I’ve never been so frightened in all my life. Mr. Michiletti yelled at me and made me cry,” pled Barack Obama wiping tears from his eyes, his hands shaking and knees knocking. “These fat white Honduran oligarchs are some tough motherfuckers. They make homicidal maniacs like Richard Perle or Jeffrey Dahmer look like pussies. Oh and please excuse my comparison of Perle to Dahmer. I by no means intend to besmirch the memory of Jeffrey Dahmer by comparing him to Richard Perle.”

“But I’m not the only one frozen in terror at the mere nano-thought of the School of the Americas trained Honduran military coup leaders,” Obama added. “All of official Washington is paralyzed with fear. Congress, the CIA, the State Department and the USAID. We’re just terrified. You know what Ronald Reagan said of Nicaragua is also true of Honduras. Honduras like Nicaragua is just a 3 day drive from Harlingen Texas and Honduras has seven million people over twice the population of Nicaragua. Fuckin’ ‘A’ that’s chilling. If we push the Honduran military too hard they might invade us and overthrow me. Poor prissy me and my lying cocksucker of a chief of staff, Rahm ‘Da Bomb’.”

Obama’s remarks came after left-wing Latin American leaders declared their support for the deposed leader, who was expelled by the military on Sunday.

Us. Ambassador to Honduras Hugo Llorens begged to be recalled to Washington crying like school girl when coup president Michiletti raised his voice to him. “I was so non-plussed. Michiletti is such a beast.”

General Douglas Fraser Commander of the U.S. Southern Command said “We’ve known for months the Honduran kleptocracy planned this coup, way fucking before this referendum canard. And we were helping them. Then we said we didn’t think it was such a hot idea, but they fucking went and did it anyway. That kind of mad dog, out of the box scares me. I don’t want to mess with no Hondurans.”

In Honduras, pro-Zelaya protestors have been demonstrating in the country's capital, Tegucigalpa. Mr Zelaya's removal followed a power struggle after he raised the minmum wage from $157.00 a month to $289.00 and the tiny central American country was flooded with migrant workers from the U.S.

The BBC's Stephen Gibbs in Tegucigalpa says all day hundreds of pro-Zelaya protesters have been taunting the thousands of soldiers deployed around the presidential residence, accusing them of taking part in a "criminal coup".

The ousted president, who was in office since 2006, had wanted to hold a referendum that could have led to an extension of his non-renewable four-year term in office.

Expulsion condemned

Polls for the vote were due to open early on Sunday, but instead troops stormed the presidential palace at dawn, detained Mr Zelaya and flew him to Costa Rica.

The military, the Supreme Court and the part of Congress that also stooges for the wealthy in the Central American nation had all opposed Mr Zelaya's referendum.

Our correspondent says that even though the international community regards the exiled leader as the legitimate leader of the country, any comeback will not be easy with Obama and official Washington so terrified of the Honduran coup leaders.

Speaking after a meeting with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, Mr Obama said Mr Zelaya remained the democratically-elected leader of Honduras but he was on his own. Obama said, He could not risk retaliation against the U.S. from the coup led Honduran government. “The U.S. relies on Honduras for its very survival, he added.”

And he said a "terrible precedent" would be set if the U.S. lost a military confrontation with the Honduran coup leaders.

Earlier on Monday, speaking in Managua, the capital of Nicaragua, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez spelled out his opposition to the situation in Honduras.

"We cannot allow a return to the past. We will not permit it," Mr. Chavez said thinking back to the golden age when the U.S. was strong enough to launch multiple coups around the world simultaneously as interchangeably as launching multiple warheads. “Who is this pussy, Obama?” the people of Latin America ask, “And when can we get a piece of him?”

Chavez spoke after talks with Mr Zelaya, President Rafael Correa of Ecuador and Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega.

'Voracious elite.' NAM Quiet but Grinning Broadly with a Canary in Its Maw

After turning up in Costa Rica on Sunday, Mr Zelaya called his ouster a plot "by a very voracious elite including many U.S. manufacturers like Nike and Tom’s Shoes, an elite which wants only to keep this country [Honduras] isolated, in an extreme level of poverty".

"Hey, hold on Mr. Zelaya," sputtered David 'Vasiline' Asseline the Executive Director of the Council of Manufacturing Associations. "With that new minumum wage it meant the end of the 99 cent thong three pack so popular with our young people here in the good ol' U.S. of fucking A. You don't wnat our youth going around in dirty thongs does ya."

In Tegucigalpa protestors defied a curfew order between Sunday night and Monday morning, imposed by fat yet imposing stuffed shirt Mr Micheletti.

As Speaker of Congress, Mr Micheletti had been the next in line to the presidency. His swearing-in was greeted with much swearing and a trickle of applause by those who have not gone into hiding and remain in Congress.

In a speech, he said that he had not assumed power under the "ignominy" of a coup d'etat and anyone who said otherwise would be shot by the coup leaders.

The army had complied with the constitution, he said, and he had reached the presidency "as the result of an absolutely legal transition process". “I mean, the constitution is made of paper, right. So we wiped our ass with it. I’m sure in the eyes of god if god be Mammon, Allen Dulles, Rick Santelli and every rich fuck in the world that’s worried about preserving his ill-gotten billions, we’re fucking patriots.

Congress said he would serve until 27 January, when Mr Zelaya's term had been due to expire.

Presidential elections are planned for 29 November and Mr Micheletti promised the elections would have gone ahead if his new referendum on allowing coup leaders to serve an indefinite number of terms hadn’t passed unanimously among the new coup led Congress.

“Its fucking Zelaya’s fault,” Mr. Michiletti added. “ If he hadn’t started paying people a living wage the Honduran people would have had their elections in November. Now, only if our guy is elected will we have had elections. Just the way Uncle Slimey likes it. Poor, frightened little Uncle Slimey.”