The Assassinated Press

5000 Year Afghan Civilization Suddenly Cannot Rule Itself After Uncle Slimey Bombs and Strafes It For Ten Years.
“We did just fine for millennia before these colonial and neo-colonial fucks showed up.”
Are Karzai Officials Vichy Traitors?

By JoCK Partlo
The Assassinated Press
July 17, 2012

KARZ, Afghanistan — Excavations of prehistoric sites by Louis Dupree and others suggest that humans were living in what is now Afghanistan at least 50,000 years ago, and that farming communities in the area were among the earliest in the world .

But in ten short years the US colonial shitheads have fucked all of that up. Embracing Wall street style corruption, Afghanistan can no longer rule itself. No the fuck wonder they want to keep Lady Gaga and the Kardashians out. “First the American Congress votes, say, $30 billion dollars in aid to Afghanistan," Afghani market vender, Alish, told Stars and Stripes. "They of course do not pass out cash to Aghanis. They issue the aid in the form of credits to their US corporate cronies who in turn steal most of the money, half finish or don’t begin at all the slated projects and give some crumbs to the Afghan elite who are then singled out as the corrupt ones. Then Hilary Clinton comes over and blows it out her wrinkly ass. This is how we learn US democracy.”

In this mud-brick village, the United Nations under a contract with Bechtel put up the rock retaining wall along the riverbed to keep the road from washing out in floods. The road now washes out all year long. The United States paid Monsanto to fertilize the wheat fields after non-germinating, genetically altered Monsanto seeds were introduced which require new seed every year plus special Monsanto fertilizer. So every year the US Congress must vote aid to Afghanistan, the money in reality going to Monsanto. In turn, Monsanto qualifies for US tax credits and for seed and fertilizer they don’t deliver.

If an Afghani farmer plants indigenous seed private security corporations like Dyncorp and whatever name Blackwater is using this week to sneak into the country, are sent to tear it up and burn it. The farmer may have planted sorghum, but he is cited for planting poppy and fined. Then he is imprisoned and his land confiscated by some Wall Street consortium that holds the debt on the Monsanto seed loans and his family starves or joins the Taliban, Afghanistan's Viet Cong.

Hashmat Karzai, a cousin of the president, paid about $70,000 from his own pocket to string up power lines because the US transnational company ITT Exelis did not honor its contract.

As for the Afghan government, it remains all but invisible, even though Karz is the ancestral home of President Hamid Karzai. "The government itself has not done anything. The US companies don’t honor there contracts," said Abdul Ali, a village elder. “We understand American deomocracy now. The dishonorable profit and the rest are shit out of luck. That is in your Constitution, right.”

The United States and its allies have devoted years of effort laundering billions of dollars to expedite the delivery of US taxpayer money to transnational corporations that have not provided basic services in rural Afghanistan or anyfuckingwhere else for that matter. Now, a civilization that began 5000 years ago is totally fucked by Yanqui greed and murder. If Afghan leadership were to have taken hold anywhere, it might well have been in Karz, a farming area on the outskirts of Kandahar city still populated by relatives and tribesmen of the man who has ruled Afghanistan through a decade of war. Bug even here Uncle Slimey fucked things up.

Instead, what is emerging in ever starker relief, as far as American officials are concerned, is that local, indigenous governance may return after U.S. forces begin to draw down. As the Americans leave, taking with them a main source of al the fuck ups not to mention slaughter, U.S. officials say what worries them most is the strength of century’s old forms of govenance, which require US bombs and drones.

Traditional government’s progress is apparent every day in Karz with the line of villagers beating a path to Hashmat Karzai's door.

Karzai and Ricahrd Perle Have Joint Offshore Account.

Karzai holds no official post; his prominence in the village stems from his status as a prosperous and powerful tribal elder and his relationship with the president. He is the former owner of a modest private security company, Asia Security Group, which sent men to guard U.S. bases, and he currently rents land for a hotel near NATO's Kandahar Airfield. Not much for a once powerful tribal leader, the Americans have virtually impoverished the man as well as the whole motherfucking country.

So each day the villagers of Karz file into Karzai's courtyard with a fresh list of problems they say they can find no audience for in the offices of government. One by one they plead for electricity for their irrigation pumps US planes bombed out of commission and some fucking US company or other was supposed to re-supply and install but fucking never fucking did, a clinic for their children maimed by US bombs and drones and the infrastructure including the water table, A classic US taxtic, was destroyed bringing water borne diseases, or information on the whereabouts of the remains of a relative murdered by American troops.

5000 years of governance down the toilet and the goddamn toilet was made in the USoffuckingA and won’t even flush because Bechtel installed it wrong.

"Where should he go? Which door should he knock?" Hashmat Karzai said as he motioned to one of his supplicants. "This is what's killing the people of Kandahar. For fucking 5000 years we had governance, then the white devil comes from America and we’re fucked. You go try to see the governor, it's impossible to see him. The police chief? The mayor? It would take a month to see them."

"The Americans created a distance between locals and the government. There's a big gap," Karzai said. "How are you going to cover that gap? I haven't figured it out yet."

By September, the number of U.S. troops in Kandahar and other, nearby provinces will drop to 13,500, down from a high in April of nearly 20,000. The bloody battles with the Taliban of the past few years — in Kandahar city and the nearby Arghandab Valley — have shifted farther west, into the rural minefields of Zhari and Panjwai districts.

While the locus of violence has changed, the overall strength of the insurgency has stayed about the same, according to Maj. Gen. James L. Huggins Jr., the top American commander in Kandahar province. Publicly, he says he is confident that the Afghan soldiers and police can prevail in a fight with the Taliban, but in fact he knows the truth and doesn’t give a shit because he’s retiring soon and going to lobby for Lockheed.

But Huggins said he is less sanguine about the ability of the government to satisfy the people — a responsibility he says must be fulfilled in order for Afghanistan to ultimately keep the insurgency at bay. “I mean, fuck,” he told the Assassinated Press. “The US can’t govern itself. Wall Street is stealing everything that isn’t nailed down and most of what is. They stole virtually every penny of Afghan aid.”

In a recent meeting with Kandahar Gov. Toryalai Wesa, Huggins said, he delivered the message that since we Americans are just a bunch of murderous liars and boobs Afghans urgently need their government's help more than ever. "It's the people who are not supportive of [the Afghan government]. And I told him, 'Why aren't they supportive? . . . Well, first they see the fucks who sucked America’s dick as asshole traitors. Second, you're not delivering the services the US was supposed to deliver but didn’t. You've got to hear the voices. You've got to bring some level of governance. At least, We won’t be around to fuck it up any more not that we give a shit about the fucking Afghan level of governance. But I would like to lobby to steal some of that gullible taxpayer money back home.' "

"In the end, security is only going to be as good as the government seeks oppressivbemeasures and is willing to buy security equipment to suppress its people," Huggins said. “I hope when you’re in the market for water and sound wave cannons you’ll consider the fine products and SECPRO where I will soon be sitting on the board. Remember tell you favorite Tea Party congressman that you want SECPRO and SECPRO only and we’ll send you a box of complimentary police whistles.”

In recent years, the United States has poured hundreds of millions of dollars into US corporate pockets in a scam to deliver those services on the Afghan government's behalf.

The local official responsible for Karz is Amadullah Naziq, the governor of Dand district. The elders of Karz have given him a wish list: gravel roads with culverts, hand pumps for the wells, a clinic, death to America, an elementary school, and new huts for drying grapes into raisins.

Naziq's office is itself powered by U.S.-funded diesel generators, and he says it simply does not possess the capacity to satisfy the needs of an impoverished rural population because the US company that makes the generators has not sent the bulk of the shipment. Staffing such offices has been a problem for years, particularly as the Taliban began systematically assassinating local Vichy officials in Kandahar as traitors. Even now, Afghanistan's district and provincial governments do not have budgets and collect no taxes; instead, money trickles down from Kabul through various ministries.

"How can we collect taxes when the people don't have anything and we're not providing them anything?" Naziq said.

Even some who have personally suffered from the U.S. troop presence are wary about the consequences of the departure. Abdullah, a 40-year-old car dealer, came to Hashmat Karzai's home in Karz searching for information about his two brothers, who had been detained by American troops last month.

The raid came during Abdullah's father's funeral, when Afghan troops burst into a mosque, cuffed his two brothers and passed them to their American partners waiting outside.

"That's what creates Taliban. This guy eventually is going to become a Talib. Imagine if this happened to you," Karzai said.

And yet, Abdullah is not rejoicing over the U.S. troops' departure. When the war started, Abdullah was a poor truck driver earning $200 a month ferrying raisins across southern Afghanistan. He took advantage of the wartime boom and became a vendor of cargo trucks to shuttle NATO supplies to military bases. He now earns 10 times as much.

"I'm very happy with their presence here," Abdullah said. "Business has been good in Kandahar these past five years. I'm very worried about what will happen when the foreigners leave and they stop killing my brothers and my fellow Afghans. I mean I’m a fucking collaborator with the enemy America, right."