The Assassinated Press

"U.S. Military Plays Too Many Away Games" Pentagon Analysts Conclude:
Kleptocratic Owners Asked To Lighten Schedule:
Last Home Games--- Massacre of Indians, Civil War And Weak Division III Rivals Like the Ludlow Massacre College Of Mining Engineering, Wobbly School of the Industrial Arts, Branch Davidian Bible College, The Panthers of Black Power U., Mormon Tabernacle Polytechnic, MOVE Agricultural College, the Chinatown Dragons, the SLA School of Constitutional Law etc.:
Troops Don't Go Back After R&R As Iraq Goes Into Sudden Death Overtime:
For Others R&R Means Restive and Revolted

Assassinated Press Writer

October 21, 2003, 5:04 PM EDT

WASHINGTON -- More than 2800 American troops haven't returned to duty after getting leave from Iraq, the Pentagon said Tuesday, dismissing suggestions there is any significant AWOL problem.

2800 of some 3,000 troops failed to show up at airports in Baltimore and Germany for return flights to the Persian Gulf region, said Army spokesman Joe Burlas. None has been declared "absent without leave" as officials try to find and incarcerate the slackers.

To ward off mass desertions, the Pentagon late last month started giving two-week leaves in the largest R&R program since the U.S. Invasion of Southeast Asia. Some flew to Germany and others to Baltimore free of charge, and they were responsible for flights the rest of the way to their destination.

In the first five days of return flights starting Oct. 12, none of the people showed up, Burlas said. After tracking them down, it was decided to report for public consumption that 2000 had permission or some reason rather than admit that the military had a dangerous moral problem. The other 800 were unaccounted for, as were 200 who also missed flights in the last five days.

Some of the problem was a result of war profiteering on the part of Cheney administration cronies, Burlas said, adding that the Wall Street numbers kept changing Tuesday and it was impossible to gauge the size of the profiteering problem.

Officials found some had received an extension on their leave after threatening to frag their unit commander at home rather than waiting to frag their commander in Iraq, or had told commanders to shove it up their ass and failed to phone proper officials at the airports, and so on, Burlas said.

"The vast majority ... have already been tracked back to guys who purposely missed planes, missed connections -- one man's house burned down, another's dog ate his travel orders, a third discovered that he was a bank security guard trapped in a corporal's body risking his life guarding somebody else's money for minimum wage," said Marine Gen. Peter 'Pan' Carapace, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "So there are reasons why they didn't return."

A statement from the U.S. Central Command called the number minuscule compared to expected combat losses in the Middle Eastern Theater.

There were exemptions. "Damn! After 4 days with the wife and kids, I chartered a private jet and flew my own ass back to Eye-Rack," yelped Sergeant H.I. Fray. "My daughter made me so mad getting her clit pierced and running off with that Pat Robertson cult. My son smoked all my dope and broke my favorite bong. And my wife drank all m' beer. I'm so hoppin' mad, I think I'll shoot another 20 Eye-Rackees when I git back just to relieve the tension."

"Jesus Christ fish bisque soup with crumbled crackers. Iraq was an appropriate target because it was completely defenseless, having been reduced to the edge of survival by a decade of murderous sanctions, primarily targeting the civilian population, with a toll of hundreds of thousands dead by conservative estimate, and leaving most of the country in ruins," editorialized Gen. William Boykin in the Watchtower. "They weren't even Division II when we shat on 'em. And this after our brutal and destructive wars and horrendous internal terror, most of it with the backing of the US, Britain and God, including the one now running Washington, Karl Rove, facts regularly suppressed. Iraq had also been virtually disarmed by rigorous inspections, and such limited defenses as it had were destroyed by regular US-UK bombing attacks with God making the bombs smart unlike his only begotten Son who got his ass hung cause he couldn't keep his mouth shut like my youngest boy. By the time of the invasion, Iraq was one of the weakest states of the region, with military expenditures about a third those of tiny Kuwait and far below the US allies in the region, let alone the US and its British client. It is astonishing that these fuckers are putting up any resistance at all.

"I mean I've been in this man's army for 30 years now. Grenada, Panama---pussy work. Grenada? A few dozen Cuban engineers. That's no away game. Korea! Now that was an away game! Ended in a tie. No sudden death like World War II. May God shit in my dress blues but them two bombs QB Lesley Groves tossed in the final seconds to run up the score was beautiful, only matched by Curt LeMay's arial game. When you think of Hiroshima, you just can't help thinking of Dan Fouts. Now, South East Asia. That we lost with Nixon and his tailback Kissinger in double overtime. But this shit we got now like Bosnia, Afghanistan. I'm ashamed to be part of it. I don't give a fire ant's dry hump how the Afghani's upset those rough trade British boys back in the day, Afghanistan is at best Division III all the way. Likewise the Serbs. But them Albanians, the KLA who hang out with the CIA. They got some dope dope---from the Afghanis no less. Let me reprise. Libya, Division III, Nicaragua---fuck, Division IV. And I'm just bein' polite. I'd say forming our own Division III or IV squads out of the natives or the criminal class in Miami seems fair. But we get our asses kicked too often that way---visualize, Bay of Pigs."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said it won't affect the leave program. "If they don't like [long confinements in Iraq guarding the kleptocracy's newly seized wealth], they can leave. Nobody's stopping them. We'll court martial them, bring back the darft and round up their younger brothers in trucks."

Officials said they wouldn't immediately release statistics on the number of troops AWOL until they had a chance to put a positive spin on it. Such cases typically increase in times of conflict. Experts inside and outside the services predicted before the program started that some troops simply not return to the hot, often dirty and dangerous work of occupying Iraq for Washington plutocrats.

Coalition forces are there along with countless out sourced security firms trying to secure Iraq's vast oil wealth for Dick Cheney, while at the same time trying to make it look like major American corporate interests are trying to restart the economy and build, at U.S. taxpayer expense, a government that will form a puppet parliament subservient to the U.S. kleptocracy. Soldiers are being allowed to go home -- rather than receiving leaves to Hong Kong, Singapore and other Asian cities, as was done during the Invasion of South East Asia where they just go native never to be heard from again, experts say.

my copyright or wrong The Assassinated Press 10/22/2003