The Assassinated Press
Crèche Crushed: Gated Community Gives Bums Rush To Nativity Scene.
Residents Say Holy Family, Wise Men "Too Arab"; "Too Poor"; "Dress Like Terrorists".
By JEFFEY LUBE
The Assassinated Press
Coolidge Estates, Flagstaff, AZ--- The residents of Coolidge Estates, a gated community located two miles north of Flagstaff, Arizona have responded with a resounding 'No' to several residents attempts to set up a Nativity Scene outside the main security gate.
In a press conference, Resident's Association President Camille Lifelaw said, "What kind of message does it send to have a bunch of poor people in rags camped right outside our main gate. Next thing you know the real thing, the areas migrant workers and homeless are going to want to do the same thing."
Jack O'Malley who spearheaded the drive to have the Nativity Scene removed from the grounds commented, "Frankly, Mary and Joseph were goddamn indigents. I don't live in a gated community where houses go for two million dollars and up to be reminded of poor people every time I play the seventh hole. Put a new Porsche out there and shoot the beaners when they try to strip it. Now, that's my idea of spreading holi-fuckin'-day- cheer."
Many fear that leaving the Nativity Scene in place for the Holiday Season might depress property values. Lifelaw said "The little shack, or stable, or whatever you want to call it, gives the appearance that the residents of Coolidge at the very least condone structures with dirt floors and without indoor plumbing, plasma TV and great rooms. Strictly speaking as a dwelling it violates virtually every covenant we have. Can you imagine decorating with hay? As for the Ark of the Covenant. Pardon my French, but fuck the Ark of the Covenant."
"Its bums. Its trailor trash stuff. I want it out," said long-time resident and former White House official under Ronald Reagan, Mike 'Ziggy' Ledeen. "Fuckin' people in rags, groveling around in hay, taking charity from Al-Qaeda lookin' terrorist motherfuckers surrounded by Angels and an astrological star, the vain hope of America's victims everywhere. Its for losers. Besides I got video of all my real good snuffs."
"Its unpatriotic," added one time Bush Sr. handler and ambassador to China, Don 'Doobie' Gregg, "Christ just sends the wrong message. When I was in Washington, I spent every goddamn waking hour maintaining our world empire and now some soft-headed politically correct liberal wants to put up a Nativity Scene in my neighborhood to remind everyone that our drive to exploit the world drives the Mary's and fuckin' Joseph's into poverty so we can have the freedom to live in this gated community surrounded by hundreds of armed guards 24 hours a day."
"When I came to live at Coolidge," commented Ret. Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, "I assumed that the rest of the world would be on 24 hour lock down while I roamed free within the walls of the community. With poor folk like Mary and Joseph and their bastard kid, its like the common person has breached my privacy and disrupted the privilege I spent so many years cultivating. Ask how many rank and file soldiers I stay in contact with. None. What? You think I'm Smedley Butler."
As a consequence, the Nativity Scene was removed and sold to a nearby firing range, where gun enthusiasts, soaked with holiday spirits and the seasons good cheer inducing drugs, from 200 yards away mistook Joseph for Osama bin Laden and quickly dispensed with his
head. "Shit. They done shot all the sikhs within a 300 hundred mile radius supposedly mistaking them for Arabs," said Hiram Burnham, owner of a convenince store on route seven. "Who the fuck knows? Yamakas could be next."