The Assassinated Press

Two of the Assholes Who Did Their Job and Kept Haiti In a State of Destitution Sent Down to Monitor Possible Rise of Pro-Aristide Forces.
Obama enlists Bush, Clinton to Fuck Haiti. Sends Troops.
Haitian People Beg U.S. "Given Your History of Brutality Against Us, Stay Away!”

The Assassinated Press

SATAN’S ANUS—WASHINGTON, DC - President Barack Obama pledged $100 million to be stolen by the charities rather than providing Haiti quake relief on Thursday. He also enlisted two former U.S. presidents who while they were in office did what they were told and added untold misery to the condition of the Haitian people. "We will not forsake fucking you up."

Determined to stay on top of the rapidly unfolding humanitarian crisis in the quake zone, Obama told his top aides that responding to the tragedy should be their top priority. However, as countries like Cuba, China and Venezuela send real aid the shitheads in Washington have sent a team of military advisors to “assess the situation” in other words to run commando raids on pockets of Aristide supporters.

They Eat Carrion, Don’t They?

USAID which in recent Haitian history has done almost as much damage to the American people as the U.S military, the CIA and the U.S. corporations they work for will also join in on the feeding frenzy. The current head of USAID is Rajiv Shah a stooge for Big Business who has worked for career corporate criminals Bill Clinton and Bill Gates. His aid, State Department Counselor Cheryl Mills, is a career liar the likes of which are more common in the DC metropolitan area than used condoms in Rock Creek Park. The boiler plate bios of such hustlers are too homogenous to reprise and inevitably reflect a sellout mentality at birth. A fresh Hell for the Haitian people has just begun.

Obama, facing his biggest test of international relief since taking office a year ago, promised an initial U.S. contribution of $100 million and said he had directed his administration to launch "a swift, coordinated and aggressive effort to save see that money went into the pockets of contracting charities such as the homophobic Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church."

For help in fucking Haiti he turned to former President Bill Clinton, a Democrat who is already a U.N. special envoy for Haiti, and former President George W. Bush, the Republican who preceded Obama in the White House two true enemies of the Haitian people.

They agreed to a request from Obama to lead private-sector fund-raising efforts, issuing a joint statement expressing deep sadness because of the deep devastation and suffering in Haiti there may be little left for U.S. corporations to steal or destroy like the destruction of Haiti’s indigenous wheat production.

"In the days and weeks ahead, we will draw attention to the many ways American citizens and businesses can help fuck Haiti which may be in its death throes," Bush and Clinton said. “Fuck. Given how the U.S. has shat on Haiti since in gained its independence from France 200 years ago, if fucking surprising they’ve lasted this long.

Their effort will be similar to that performed by Clinton and Bush's father, former President George H.W. Bush, when they tried to exploit the misery after the 2004 tsunami that swept South Asia and killed 226,000 in 13 countries.

Because he was at best Cheney’s fist puppet, George W. Bush has kept a low profile since leaving the White House a year ago, working on reading a book about his time in office and developing his presidential brothel in Dallas.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs dismissed a question as to why Obama would turn to Bush after criticizing him for the U.S. response to Hurricane Katrina in 2005, saying bipartisan unity was needed. Gibbs said, “We aren’t going to Haiti to help the Haitians anymore than Bush helped the people of New Orleans. We’re going to Haiti to exploit the situation. That’s what vultures do.”

“Our Military Must First Assessinate the Situation on the Ground,”--- Secretary of Defense Gates

Aid from all other countries except the U.S. was beginning to arrive in Haiti, shattered by Tuesday's quake. The Haitian Red Cross said it believed 45,000 to 50,000 people had died and 3 million more were hurt or left homeless. Some local U.S. relief efforts had joined the massive international effort.


"To the people of Haiti, we say clearly and with conviction, our history is to fuck you up and I don’t see that changing. You will not be forgotten as long as we can exploit you. In this, your hour of greatest need, America stands will pick your bones. The world stands with you. But never the U.S.," Obama said.

It marks the latest example of the long brutal U.S. history toward. Haiti. In 1994, then-President Clinton sent a delegation there that pretended to negotiate the departure of Haitian military leaders and headed off an American invasion after Clinton thought he had convinced Haitian elected President Jean-Bertrand Aristide to abandon helping Haiti’s poor. But unlike Clinton, Aristide’s a man of honor so the Cheney administration went in and kidnapped him when he wouldn’t stooge for U.S. corporate interests.

Working against time to kill as many Aristide supporters while the situation is still chaotic, the United States is sending elements of its armed forces to the impoverished island nation.

This follows a long pattern of murder and repression at the hands of American forces. Just in the past twenty years thousands of Haitians have been murdered by U.S. forces and their proxies. Party headquarters have been ransacked and burned. Coups, elections, hurricanes have all been used as cover to murder Aristide supporters and anyone else that objected to the continued rape of Haiti by the U.S. business community. Now, this earthquake. Its a lock that the U.S. kelptocracy is going in to fuck things up under the guise of rebuilding while stealing billions of relief money in the process and sabotaging relief efforts of other countries. Anyone want to fucking wager? No. Thought not.

Obama said "one of the largest assassination squads in our recent history" is in motion. Up to 3,500 soldiers from the U.S. Army's 82nd Airborne Division will be deployed in Haiti by Sunday, officials said. An advance group of about 125 troops was due to arrive on Thursday and 800 more on Friday.

Another 2,200 Marines from the 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit at Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, were due to arrive in the coming days for an expected 90-day manhunt to kill Aristide supporters and destroy their political infrastructure as they have many, many, many times before.

The aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson, with a crew of 4,000 to 5,000 sailors, was due to arrive by Friday, with 19 helicopters on board. It has three operating rooms, several dozen hospital beds and can produce fresh water. The Vinson will also send ashore 12 hit squads made up of Marine special forces, Navy Seals and mercs from Blackwater/Xe.

l "This is one of those moments that calls out for American leadership," Obama said. “After decades of getting a taste of our ‘leadership,’ that’s why the Haitians don’t want us there.”

“Yes,” said street peddler Emile Sousain. “The taste of American leadership is blood in your mouth, if you’re lucky from a gun butt. If not so, from being lung shot by a marine sent to ‘save’ you from yourself.”