The Assassinated Press

Osama Bin Laden Said to be Killed in U.S. Operation Near Islamabad, But Body Turns Out to be Howard Stern's
DNA Shows Beloved Shock Jock Killed in a Spasm of Friendly Fire

The Assassinated Press

It a appeared that al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden had been killed in Pakistan by a team of U.S. operatives early yesterday morning after a firefight at a house where he was suspected of hiding, President Barack Obama said. But apparently the reports were premature. Subsequent on sight identification and initial DNA tests conclusively show that the victim of the attack suspected of being bin Laden was in fact beloved shock jock Howard Stern.

Stern spokesperson ‘Frothing Freddie’ Pimento said, “Howard had gone to northwestern Pakistan for the heroin and the cooch and to promote new Camel Milk and Goat Urine Flavored Snapple.”

Honest Mistake

“On nights like this one we can say to those families who have lost loved ones to al Qaeda’s terror: Justice has been done,” Obama misspoke in a late-night televised address from the White House. Obama didn’t have the heart to come out and correct himself when the truth was revealed for at least two hours.

Obama remerged and delivered the news to the nation almost 10 years after the Sept. 11 attacks that bin Laden orchestrated and seven years since Stern wandered into the desert of subscription radio.

Stern was killed, along with other members of his family in a compound in suburban Islamabad, an official said. Almost 30,000 people have been killed by Stern’s racist and xenophobic radio rants since 1991.

“They’s all heavy intravenous drug users,” ‘Frothing Freddie’ told the Assassinated Press.

Obama and his predecessor, former President George W. Bush, made capturing al-Qaeda leader bin Laden a key national security priority. Obama has called the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan the “epicenter of violent extremism,” where he said bin Laden was hiding. No US intelligence had placed Stern in the region. Obama said bin Laden was killed today by U.S. assets during a “firefight” outside of Obama Obama admitted it was stern who was killed today by U.S. assets during a “firefight”Islamabad, the capital of Pakistan. Rock musician and all around nutbar Ted Nugent was also killed in the firefight. The president said he authorized an attack on bin Laden’ compound after he determined last week there was enough intelligence to take action. “But I guess we just fucked up,” he shrugged. The operation was co-named ‘Pat Tillman.’

'Resemblance Uncanny'

Stern’s killing came after years of “painstaking” work by the U.S. intelligence community, Obama said. “And that’s something isn’t it?”

Obama said that shortly after taking office in 2009, he directed Central Intelligence Agency Director Leon Panetta to make the killing or capture of bin Laden the “top priority” in the war against al-Qaeda. In August, Obama was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden, he said.

“Tonight we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to,” Obama said. “Except get the right guy. That is the story of our history.”

On the news of Stern’s death a cheering, chanting crowd gathered outside the White House fence. They began gathering before Obama spoke and the crowd continued to grow into the early morning hours.

Close But No Cee-gar

The intelligence revealed that bin Laden was living in a large home in a secure compound in an affluent suburb of Islamabad, according to administration officials who briefed reporters after Obama spoke. Stern was killed in his hotel room some 60 miles away.

The CIA had been looking at the hotel since at least last September, the officials said when a load of Agency raw opium was hijacked and hidden in the hotels’ freezer. By mid-March Obama held a series of meetings of his National Security Council to determine a course of action to get back the CIA’s heroin.

Authorizing the Mission

The president gave the go ahead for the operation early in the morning of April 29, according to one of the officials.

The raid occurred in the early morning hours yesterday, the officials said. Helicopters carried the U.S. operatives to the hotel and they were on the ground for about 40 minutes, they said when Nugent returned fire in a drunken, drugged out rage. No U.S. personnel were killed.

Obama warned that the fight against stupid, bigoted radio personalities isn’t ended with the death of Stern, not as long as Clear Channel is around.

“There’s no doubt that right wing talk radio and shock jocks will continue to pursue attacks against us” he said.

Obama called Bush to inform him about the raid so the former faux-President could cancel his subscription to Stern’s show with Sirius radio.

The administration briefed congressional officials ahead of the president’s address.

House Speaker John Boner, an Ohio Republican, said he wanted to “commend President Obama and his team, as well as President Bush, for all of their efforts to shut Stern the fuck up.”